Strength

Shallow grave dug within my own poisoned mind
Demons take flight within the recollected prisms
Shards of crystal to impale the fated heart sorrowed
Rainbowed against the steel of a stone pressed soul
pray to the gods he does not blemish me
Close the mausoleum door upon my comatose body
Lifeless as your words strangled me into harsh hypnotism
A breath shallowed by vengeance and fighting flames
Apathy drifting my tears to the oceanic ebb of time
please understand I tried to be the best I could
Chaotic gleams of indecision twist the cry of echoes
Anger, hostility, love, sorrow entwine the fragments left
Barbed wire form the halo you strategically placed raged
Cries of weeping willows taint the breeze with shrillest yawns
you played your role as well, I’m not solely to blame
Tears like gasoline fuel the emblazed instinct within me
Fight or flee seem null to void when encompassed in rusted chain
Fingertips shall wear to bone and blood to release the locks
Residue of submission worn ragged by the frictioned call
arise the wraith, scorned unwilling to bear the rooted swor
Seduced by lightning I showed you as you were meant to see
Hiding the inner venom from the licks of self imprisonment
Struggling to slip through the crack in your subconscious infuriated
Implanted delusions from my sorrow to your blind ego
you are of dust and to dust you shall return
Your hostile aggressions fanned the spark inside my lips
Your viced grasp attempted to steal my breath and life
Your vehement assumptions awakened the fallen angel
And your walking away gave me strength to live life for me
from amongst the ashes, the phoenix rose within her glory

Man your vocabulary is dope, i really liked some of the words you used, it was a very image inspiring depiction. That said i felt like some of your imagery was a bit misplaced or odd, one that stood out as an example of this is this line: "Cries of weeping willows taint the breeze with shrillest yawns" Taints brings a kind of negative cononntation (at least in my mind) but willows, breeze and yawns are softer words, while shrill is also a strong word, it kind of made a weird contrast. I got what you were saying but i feel it should have been worded differently. That aside your imagery was top notch and it was very easy to folllow top to bottom, i'm glad i checked this piece out, nice job man, just needs a little polish, elevation is the key.
1luv.

Thanks fam. I always look forward to your replys becasue i know your not afraid to throw a little critisim at me and what not. PM me the link to your boys piece and ill hit it up.

Man this was an excellent poem.Imagery was top notch and your vocab was dope.Imagery played a big piece in this and you really exicuted it very well.You were so presice with your wording which made this poem brilliant to read.Structure worked too.Every line for me had a special bit to it.Really nice drop man and this is my first time reading something from you.I'm glad I did.

Could you check out Natures Features

Thanks for the feedback Dyl i havent seen anything from you so ill hit yours up later tonight.

This is the best thing Ive read from you in a long time man. Last time I saw your pieces was over on Rb and they were lacking, to put it lightly. It seemed like you had just kind of lost the drive an imagination that you once had before with your writing, but judging by this... You've found yourself. The imagery in this was definately the high point, the way you used such original concepts to describe your messages was amazing. The vocab was pretty beefed up aswell, only further supporting the complex messages and metaphors of the story. Ya man, not much to say. Everything in this was on point and there wasnt a fault to it. Maybe creat some short stanza's out of a bulk next time? That's about my only suggestion. But ya, excellent piece, I'm hoping you're really going to get back into writing and spread the talent around some more.

Why thank you fam. very much appricated feedback.. and great collab with mind.. cant wait til we get ours up

WOW....thas wassup this peace is just dope plain and simple, your vocabulary was on point, the imagry was beautiful, the emotion was easily felt and your structure was decent, im look'n forward to more of your drops on poetry and ima keep trying to elevate in the subject myself, im still a new comer to this but im think'n bout going back to topical like i use to be but anyway fuck'n dope drop oh and ask'd you to PM me your request when you do i'll get it to you da next day k

IJL 4 Life lol

"Shallow grave dug within my own poisoned mind
Demons take flight within the recollected prisms
Shards of crystal to impale the fated heart sorrowed
Rainbowed against the steel of a stone pressed soul'

Your opener was awsome because you painted a picture
in my mind. I could actually draw what you wrote nice
job. Your vocabulary helps with the content of strength.
Definitely nice poetic touch.

Only critique is don't over do it with vocab you were on
the boarder with doing that. But eh I will let it slide lol.

"Struggling to slip through the crack in your subconscious infuriated"
The best line to me that symbolizes "Strength" when I first
read it that is, then when I kept analyzing that line it felt different
to me so I will stay with my first comment. It reminded me of
something in my metal struggle hence which symbolized strenght to
me.


Overall definitely a job well done. Very discriptive piece.
with very good content.


stay writing.

This was nice in the beginning I thought u were rambling, just trying to find something complex to say so u would stretch a point that is nonexistant but u came off totally different, I would like to say this is some of the best poetry I read but I cannot because celestial topics are too common now because noone really can make any good sublinary poems any more (I think) dont get me wrong this is extremely good and I can tell u have considerable skill, elevating and expanding always help....nice drop

Check Out: A Poet...A Pen (this is celestial too lol)

Amazing. Your theme had a great hook on the reader, created by your seductive imagery. Vocab was great also.

please check out my piece: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=294322

tight poem you wrote.
this seems like some shit that i would probably write or read when im into readin or writin poetry type shit you had some creative lines in this piece and you brought out feelings that seem unreal but real at the same time vocab was good wasnt basic