Mockery

Have you met mockery?
Down the street Around the corner
That wrap around the wet tar
Black with burnt cars of mourners.
This is where the copycat takes shape.
The white line where the story of rape is written
In Spinal fluid oozing from a cracked spine
A book ripping over her head
Aged pages bled ink over the lead
Pencils sharpened in her navel
Body unable to reach to reach fabled
Towers of Babel. As she was buried
In the shadows of skyscrapers in twilight
Her eye sight fades to reflect the night

But the tale doesn't end or begin in any frame
Of refrence your brain can reminice
Step into a drip's ripple of a dungeon
Rotten mold plagued the erroded granite
He's enchained in rust, his hair congealed atop
His eyes, a dull blue with the view
Of the soul blocked
Absence of oxygen colored his blood azure
Which leaked from his chap lips
Cracked ribs burrowed through the muscle
Exposed, where the last bits of cloth
Hung on for their rather naked existence

Back track to the present tence
Looking down upon the white line
His mind registering death but not its cause
Molded into white bars
Melt into white stars

"Dream..."

Was her death a dream
Manufactured quilt sewns at the seams
His fingers cradles his stiches
The scars that carved out his cranial case
Forgetting the face veiled in night
Forgetting the blood on his hands spelling
This women's plight

He hung himself back in his chains, in flourescent lights
Filtered black- Each her wrapped around a wrists
With his back turned ready to be whipped

Who says
"Yes I'll put you send you back to nightmares
To lull them into reality
You are a copycat of the dreams I concoct
You copy what torture makes you to be"
Unreasonably.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=291685
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=292095

very poetic i loved it it got me kept me and wowed me this was a very solid work i really cant think of what more to add except that in work like this add bitter tragedy to push it even deeper to the readers soul.

This piece gives me the in the club---open mic---Hippie---grovey----old school poetry type fell...I thin kthat you worded it very well.....and kept the reader interested from begining to end....Some lines I had to read twice so that's a sign of AWWWW!!! ya know.....But overall this was a good piece containing all the elements to make it that......

http://img107.imageshack.us/img107/8...jtsa8384oh.jpg

Alright..you have a great feel for emotion/Imagery..i noticed in your last piece and this piece you dont focus off rhymescheme or to many technical aspects ...you focus on emotion/imagery and wording then it just seems as tho internals, structure, flow all fall perfectly into play..which is very shocking for a newer writer....so bravo! like i said your imagery/emotion..are definetly felt, your wording is very nice..however much like ur last piece u lack an essence of a perfect rhymescheme...which however in this piece wasnt to big a deal..because i personally believe this is much more suited for poetic scriptures (or w/e.)...then in the OM area. this is definetly a poem..and a very good one at that......so when it comes to topical work a lil more rhymescheme...cuz it does matter....however in poetry it dont..so just keep ur eye on that.....however you wrote this extremely well..and you are impressing people left n right including me..so be proud ofyourself..but keep writing with intelligence, confidence..and dont get a big head....

keep ups

Thanks Every One For So Much Positive Feed Back