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Lies part one
Question after question and still the charges he deny
even though he knows that he pulled the trigger than watched him die
Exspensive atthorneys twist the facts to suit there needs
relentless on the hunt for a verdict of non guilty stoping only to succeed
they wrap the jury around there fingers as the prosecution pleads their case
discrediting the prosecutions case from every aspect starting from the base
but under suspicion even the best breakdown and crumble
they juggle that many lies until they can't help but fumble
they always screw up because they think they can't be touched
but in the end its their own lies that leave them scorched
Burned by the web of lies they had spun
with his back to the wall he got no place to run
why did you do it? still we only hear silence
how could you commit an act of utter violence?
finally he breaks and spills his guts to all
its such a beautiful thing when the mighty fall
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Alright in some parts you rhymes were a little forced, and your flow cut off here and there... i believe you cut your story short, and made it go by as quick as you could. your structure was to spread out, making ur flow seem like individual bars instead of a piece....however you did have some good wording in the beginning, also your were pretty consistant...you did a nice job of hitting ur topic which is always a plus..overall you did an ok job...you have a lot to work on but its a pretty decent start.
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first thing i noticed was deplorable grammar.. spell check is a simple device on word that can be employed to make the grammar more aestheticly pleasing... it may just be a pet-peeve of mine, but nonetheless, you gotta work on spelling. anyway.. i liked the concept of this peice, and wish it could have been more expanded on. you were going in a great direction with every couplet, but the ending seemed a bit abrupt and left the scene a bit vague. like Spekz said flow could be worked on and structure was broken up, which skews the overall flow of the drop from a readers perspective, but at the same time this can be intentional to make the reader stop and think after each couplet. I think this was more elevated in complexity than most basic raps, but i still think you have a little ways to go on that... i know its a lot of criticism, but its all on little things you could do to polish it up a bit. this was still a pretty good drop, definately an entertaining read.
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uppin for more feed back... and yo i know i rushed that a bit look for a revised version in the upcoming days
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not bad..not bad at all..could have been a bit better...longer,more imagery and more creative and a bit more complexity and maybe use better vocab usage...rhymes were pretty nice..flow was descent...strucutre was aight i guess...overall this was a descent peice..just keep at it homie...peace~
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Rules & Lessons in Feedback<< LINK.
I HAVE TO HARSH ON YOU ALL NOW.
READ THE RULES.
CLOSED.
Reason: Horrible Feed.
-Brix.
