The Poetic Change

The Poetic Change

As the vigor pen hit the paper, thoughts came rushing to his mind
Seeing feared images, remembering his many dreadful past times
Feeling all those emotions, some avid, and some, very painful finds
When all the while, his future relies on his willingness to survive

As he jots the first stanza, his eyes illustrate his first beloved death
Tossed it aside then, but somehow found its way back to his brain
Its reign campaigned for many stages, sorrow continues its vain
Suicidal thoughts, cries an weeps of sorrow, he has no purpose left

He forgets the poetry; his dearest pains have already done him in
Internally he yells for help, but the past continues to retain his soul
Brought down by thoughts, these agonizing burdens take their toll
He sighs in disbelieve, for his next action that is brought to attention

As he lifts the knife, his life flashes before his eyes, he’s then ready
Thoughts before murder never occurred that it was going to be him
He writes his last note, prays, then turns the light switch on very dim
Then he drops his knife, laughs, picks up the phone and dials steady

Then he arrives at the doctor’s clinic, which at last answered his call
Instead of causing death, he uses his advantage to a change of pride
This continuous stress has caused him to go a little on the wild side
With this simple choice of manhood, his new gender will stand tall

He didn’t kill himself, but all of this pain did do something strange
Because this poor poet, called the doctor to get a female sex change

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=289561
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=289576

I kinda fell off at the end, but hell its original. Plus, I had writers
block and I have a kidney-stone problem... Ouch.

As the vigor pen hit the paper, thoughts came rushing to his mind
Seeing feared images, remembering his many dreadful past times
Feeling all those emotions, some avid, and some, very painful finds
When all the while, his future relies on his willingness to survive

As he jots the first stanza, his eyes illustrate his first beloved death
Tossed it aside then, but somehow found its way back to his brain
Its reign campaigned for many stages, sorrow continues its vain
Suicidal thoughts, cries an weeps of sorrow, he has no purpose left
^Ok parts

the piece wasn't as original as you try and make it out to be, but it was alright. the rhythem of the whole piece was deffinatly off. you had no internals or anything like that to back up your statements, so it was more like reading a story than reading a song. you have to read it quickly for it to even flow in your head. the wording and everything you had no problem at all with. your meanings were on point, you didn't just write shit down that didn't make sense, you seemed really edgy towards the end but then almost jumped back on it, sure if it was longer you would've come off it. but it was good. choice of words was great, you just need to work on those internals like i said. keep up the good shit, pz.

!Nash

the opening part was my favorite, the piece seemed like a topical battle, because of the twist, seems like you were inspired for the ending of an old rstl battle or something. just remeber, not everything you see vets do is right. the internals were lacking, there were a couple, but regardless you could od better IMO, the rhyme scheme was pretty weird, didnt really work with me, but oh well, its your style, nd its original so that is good... decent piece

hit up my piece, "Inbetween Dreams"

Ill Edit With Feed Soon Pm me a Reminder

hmmmmmm....
Not really your best work.
Don't get me wrong it's a decent OM.
The Ending I personally didn't like. But yeah It is Original and well-writen so keep up at it. The imagery was okay at the most same with the emotion.
Overall. 7.1/10