Fear of an After Life... (WOP Semi Finals)

Fear of an After Life

...Father & daughter took to the Santa Monica Pier
to celebrate her tenth Birthday. Love between the
two filled the affair, though smiles quickly disolved
as gunshots rang out in the air. Forced to relive an
event for eternity after leaving a life in despair...

Failing hearts pump the last of our earthly ties
Cries from those once loved betray our waking eyes…

Headline news, slain in a pool of rouge…
…gun powder fresh on my breath
Garnet rivers run warm as my flesh quivers…
…under a swarm of death
Fade to black, lungs pierced by the fierce…
…projectiles ripping though my back
Coughed up blood & guts stain boardwalks…
…where the tide talks of my attack
Killed in full view, my child’s world…
…is a picture of insanity
‘Father shot’ while daughter watched…
…a snapshot of calamity!
She held my hand as I passed into another…
…world of regret
The last words I heard were slurred by her…
…“Daddy please don’t leave yet”
It killed me to see her fade so swift as I bleed…
…and went ever so stiff
She screamed & beat her little bloody fists…
…hard onto my chest
No matter how hard she drummed she couldn’t…
…bring me back from my rest
I died tragically that day, while my daughter…
…tried frantically to save me
She called out to God & begged for my safety...
..."Dad, don't you die, I'm still just a baby"
Balloons in one hand whilst tears poured for...
...the man that she favored
Her heart now corrupted, she erupted...
…in devastated behavior
Grotesque images of her fathers murder…
…will forever haunt her
The bullets fired from an assailant’s gun…
…will forever taunt her
Police pulled her from my lifeless clutch…
…sobbing uncontrollably
She kissed me goodbye and stood strong…
…in attempt at consoling me

In a pool of my own creation I lay
Forever reliving my most tragic day…

Eternal occupant of Dante’s vision…
…of life after death
Trapped in ‘The Devine Comedy’, everyday…
…I take my last breath
I stay tortured on rewind losing my kid…
…for an eternity
Stuck in an after life where I can’t hold my girl tight…
…trust it’s disturbing me
Everyday I see my daughters’ precious face in dismay…
…as I’m spitting up blood
Her last words always the same, but I can’t return…
…her gesture of love
Slumped over a display of torn flesh…
…where I fall it’s a curtain call
It’s hurtin ya’ll but it’s certain law, the scene will replay…
...& I’m forced to relive it all
The devastation in her eyes only kills me…
…a million times
& a million lines would never describe…
…the pain in this rhyme
Leaving my child in disarray without…
…saying goodbye
Slain on the very day I created…
…that gleam in her eye
A birthday gone ever so wrong,…
…so I die in this Hell forever
Place a candle where I fell & I’ll keep that flame lit…
…w/the last memory of us together
I died the moment I lost you, but I’d die a million deaths…
...if I ever forgot you
& to burn and rot in Hell, sure is a blessing…
…once put to comparison
Fear of an after life without you…
…is the only thing this father is stressing!

A father caught in his own personal Hell
Tormented by the scene on the spot where he fell

...A man haunted by his past leaves this world
the one way he always feared. Eventually his
demons caught up to him and stripped him of
life that day on the Pier. He lived forever looking
over his shoulder, dead now on the day his baby
turned another year older...

Fear of an After Life

-By: Bounce

Replied to poethics collab and Mr. E's (avalons verse)

I already said what I needed to say about this...

But...

Bump!

And...good luck in WoP's Final.

See ya there!

Wow.

This was amazing. The story was amazing, and didnt get boring which kept me reading despite the length. The flow was flawless throughout, and the vocab was exceptional. But the thing that really stood out for me was the story ..I've read a few of ur verses and this is a little bit of a style change for you, and I think it pulled off nicely. I cant find anything wrong with it, great piece, great read, and keep it up.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=268657
^ Feed would be appreciated.

thanks

DAMN this was dope...your flow was incredible in this as well as your creative storyline..you>eminem when it comes to a piece about daughters haha..your structure and breakdown of the story was very helpful to absorb what you just read (in my opinion)..your vocab was fair, but with your structure like that..big words would kind of mess with the structure a bit..i also liked your wordplay you added in a few areas..nicely done with that Dante's Inferno shit..my favorite part was:
"Slumped over a display of torn flesh…
…where I fall it’s a curtain call
It’s hurtin ya’ll but it’s certain law, the scene will replay…
...& I’m forced to relive it all
The devastation in her eyes only kills me…
…a million times
& a million lines would never describe…
…the pain in this rhyme"
^^that had a DOPE flow..and the emotion was great..

overall this piece was amazing, i really enjoyed reading this..keep writing!oNE

please return some feed in my OM: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=268442

DAMN this was dope...your flow was incredible in this as well as your creative storyline..you>eminem when it comes to a piece about daughters haha..your structure and breakdown of the story was very helpful to absorb what you just read (in my opinion)..your vocab was fair, but with your structure like that..big words would kind of mess with the structure a bit..i also liked your wordplay you added in a few areas..nicely done with that Dante's Inferno shit..my favorite part was:
"Slumped over a display of torn flesh…
…where I fall it’s a curtain call
It’s hurtin ya’ll but it’s certain law, the scene will replay…
...& I’m forced to relive it all
The devastation in her eyes only kills me…
…a million times
& a million lines would never describe…
…the pain in this rhyme"
^^that had a DOPE flow..and the emotion was great..

overall this piece was amazing, i really enjoyed reading this..keep writing!oNE

^ What a dumb ass

bounce this was pretty good. it had vocab an imagery. it was like i was there feelin what they was feelin. it was a long read but it was worth it. it also flowed very well. this was just an outstandin peice. can't wait to read ya next thread. oh yeah could you check out this is my life feat. noncentz

Man ya made thats shit hard to stop readin even though it was long nice dude


votes needed: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=268198

Sick...but for some reason I couldnt pick out the flow.

But that just me.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=268944

yeah fosho.. i dont really like bounce much.. but i read this earlier at home and it was sure a nice piece.. maybe one of the best short story type verses i seen in a minute..
rythym was dynamic and constant.. imagery was yea!... interesting mettas n phrases throughout..................i've wrote slightly poems in this style b4.. different concepts tho.. n i dont usually go for the deep love attached mushy stuff.. but you put some good twists on this ish...so yeah

haps it should b nominated for somewhere.. i dont know if OM hof is best tho.. maybe poetry hof if there is 1

1

^ It's not poetry, it's a topical verse, for our topical tournie. All my verses are written for audio, so if you put this to a beat and record it's a song, which all topical's should be. I don't know what you mean by you don't like me much? As in just me or my writting? I don't even know you, so I'm assuming it's something I've done, maybe banned someone your cool with?

Now about OM HoF, I'm not concerned with that, this verse got me into the WOP finals and that alone is greater than any OM Hof nom, hell Hof has fell off big time.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bounce

^ It's not poetry, it's a topical verse, for our topical tournie. All my verses are written for audio, so if you put this to a beat and record it's a song, which all topical's should be. I don't know what you mean by you don't like me much? As in just me or my writting? I don't even know you, so I'm assuming it's something I've done, maybe banned someone your cool with?

Now about OM HoF, I'm not concerned with that, this verse got me into the WOP finals and that alone is greater than any OM Hof nom, hell Hof has fell off big time.

---

WOW YOUR AN ASS EATING PUSSY.. I BET IT WAS YOU WHO BANNED VORTEX...JUST FOR MAKING THESE CRITICAL COMMENTS.. THIS IS NOT FUCKING AUDIO STYLE FUCK OFF

AND KEEP BANNING PEOPLE FOR NOTHING JUST COZ THEY CRITISISE YOUR BULLSHITTY SOFT ASS POEMS,, GO HEAD N BAN ME AS WELL... I


FUCKING IDIOT

I DONT LIKE YOU EITHER COZ YOU THINK U DA SHIT.. AND LETS FACE IT... YOU AINT SHIT


1 YA MOM

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Vortex

yeah fosho.. i dont really like bounce much.. but i read this earlier at home and it was sure a nice piece.. maybe one of the best short story type verses i seen in a minute..
rythym was dynamic and constant.. imagery was yea!... interesting mettas n phrases throughout..................i've wrote slightly poems in this style b4.. different concepts tho.. n i dont usually go for the deep love attached mushy stuff.. but you put some good twists on this ish...so yeah

haps it should b nominated for somewhere.. i dont know if OM hof is best tho.. maybe poetry hof if there is 1

1

---

AND NO I'D NEVER BEEN BANNED B4 THIS NAME.. UNTILL YOU MUGZ JUST DID SO 4 NO GOOD REASON...FUCKING ASS BANDITS

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bounce

^ It's not poetry, it's a topical verse, for our topical tournie. All my verses are written for audio, so if you put this to a beat and record it's a song, which all topical's should be. I don't know what you mean by you don't like me much? As in just me or my writting? I don't even know you, so I'm assuming it's something I've done, maybe banned someone your cool with?

Now about OM HoF, I'm not concerned with that, this verse got me into the WOP finals and that alone is greater than any OM Hof nom, hell Hof has fell off big time.

---