-
Sea of Power
Yo
this is a rhyme that i ws concentrating on metaphors mostly, i thank you for tanking the time to read it
Like fire im spreading through the forest of rap
like water im spreading in the sink from the tap
im climbing the ladder, im on my way
im like a copycat buffy thats about to slay
all my feelings are pouring out of my mouth onto paper
im carrying evil in my hands like a restaraunt waiter
im taking my talent to a whole new level
if you cross my path i ask you not to meddle
because the fire in my eyes, the ice in my chest
if you survive my attack you must have been blessed
because no matter the consequence im gonna keep on battlin
no matter what my lyrics are they are always unsettlin
where i rise, my enemies will fall, and when they fall
i defend myself like a wall
and when the angels and gods finally call
ill bowl you over like a bowling ball
i will rip, tear and maul
and then i will rise up, and stand tall
shoot at me, aim at me, i will get up
i will absorb it like liquid in a cup
then i will return it at full force
while all your bullets veer off course
for i am the inventer, i am the source
of all the evil that is within your force
Power, doesent matter, when your battling me
look into my eyes and tell me you see
any kind of anxiety
right before you battle me
because im as kool as ice theres no heat on me
your the door, the way forward, and i have the key
i dont have mercy, so dont try and plea
you cant defeat me, for i am a sea
and i will hit you with a tusunami
thanks for taking the time to read it, feedback, ect, is appreciated
-
not sure where to begin with this...
first off i guess i should give you some props
- you did try some metaphors
- you kept on topic
- your rhyming was consistent
- you had SOME sort of flow
as i read this though i found a handful of trouble spots
- your metaphors didn't go anywhere, you have accomplished the first step of personifying yourself, using simile, analogizing your ability to something else... but after that you don't go anywhere far... the best was likely the very first lines and the last in terms of using some sort of metaphor
- your topic was narrow... this is a bit of taste from my POV but who cares about self grandizing anymore?
- rhyming was simplistic for the most part, very little flair and embedded rhymes... maybe you should take a little more time to think about how to end each line... don't get trapped into using something simple such as a 'ee' sound
- your flow was predictable and choppy... it doesn't even read as smooth as a nursery rhyme, I would say you'd really need a very interesting delivery to make this come out even half decent... the problem could be an extra syllable here there anywhere. Be aware that a little multi rhyme smooths a flow quickly as well
Overall... not a newb but definitely just getting warmed up... don't worry practice makes poetry so keep working, keep defining your style and expanding your subject matter...
pz
-
-
you gotta elavate
thats all im saying
3/10
-
