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!!! Laura !!!
This was sumthin i dun really quick wen bored on msn lol. Lookin for feedbak even thou its not like my quality shit but it all helps.
Chek it out,
It was this one girl, Laura, it was meant to be,
She was my best friend, always stood next to me,
To catch me when I’d fall, it was our destiny,
But for sum reason she fought it wuld be best to leave,
Didn’t know the mess she’d leave, now I toss and I turn,
Sleepless nights, endless days, I’ve lost what I earned,
But the cost weren’t concerned, nor the years that I wasted,
No one gives a dam about the tears that I tasted,
My careers just basic and she left me with shit,
Emptied the fukin house, she collected each bit,
Money was gone, I even respected the bitch,
Shuld of neglected it, but I culdnt ignore love,
We’d argue then make up wit a kiss or a hug,
I miss her so much, even thou I despise her guts
Another slut on this world to drive us all nuts,
Planted hoar, and nuttin more than a gold digger,
On the streets corners, and sellin a sold figure.
Hope ya enjoyed readin.
Feedback plz, peace
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aight man this was a nice peice overall to begin my feed. so great job. u had some multis i think throughout the rhyme pretty much which really shows u have a good sense in rhyme scheme. flow was great, since the multis and structure added to it. i think you could've added some more vocab not that u didnt have any but in my opinion, u could add a few more to make it complex. its an awesome rhyme and some pretty good imagery. nice depth. keep up the good job yo
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this was good... very interesting... had some good vocan...
showed how strong your feelings were for this gurl and this real aslo... you had a good flow.. everything was good structure was ok also.. keep up the good work yamean good work
hit this up its my piece http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=230970
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thnx alot, appreciate alot.
keep em comin :D
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Eh was ok, nothing really caught my eye, needs work. One thing you could do is try more complex rhyme scheme, more inner multis. Some wordplay and metaphors would also be nice to make this verse stand out more and make it a overall deeper piece. If you were going for seriousness and heartfelt emotion, try to make it more complex, not to the point where it's incomprehensable but just enough to provoke intrigue and deep thought about the piece as a whole. Keep dropping and elevate on your next piece.
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kk thnx for the feedbak, the wrdplay wasnt really that gd coz it was more of a keystyle thing. Thanks for tips :D
Keep em comin, ,Peace :D
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uhm not bad.. needs sum more multies and/or sum more internal rhymes . i know there was sum but not enuff as such...to give the flow sum more life and character.. vocab shud be extended alil more
format n flow was ok
decent drop
keep at it practice makes almost perfect
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THat shit was good...i liked the flow and triple syllable rymes at beginning...The last line was dope as hell caz that shit says it all right there...U got the emotion in it with the wordplay and good rymes...i give this a Great job and u could still elevate a little more but this shit was good
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Thnx alot bro, means alot :D
Keep em cmin :D
