-
Mirror Image
My pen is petrified as i primatively perfect my craft
My paper is purposely pissing me off my words stretch i laugh
Fiending for a fix as i try and formulate a sick verse
This hurts, which works, i dream of personafying a quick hearse
I'll kill a fiend, fufill a dream, instill a scream
My rhymes save a thug, my grave is dug, stuck in a guillotine
My rhyme schemes are stressed, my mind needs a rest
Yes im an ill poet, you still know it, my lines need a test
Alcohol is apparently evil so im drowning in sin
Only if i mutilate my mouth will it turn from a frown to a grin
Im really a psycho, forget the tight flow, im too wild
I like to rape my own mind, change? thats futile
Unlike most of you pricks i didnt need a dictionary to pen this verse
Ive been expecting doom, since i left the womb, im friends with a curse
Council estate dweller so obviously im not just a sinner in text
It's strange what i despise the most is what the mirror reflects
My mouth of madness would disturb even the strongest heart
It's gotta be said death is short life is the longest part
Im twenty two suicide is creeping into my mind state
Im not that weak, i got my sleep, whats's blind hate?
I guess thats what i feel when i view platinum rappers
Im broke i see people wave their hands then put smack in them after
I look at them and wonder where did we go wrong?
If i possesed a fortune id help but sorry my souls gone
I find it difficult to concentrate on my rhyme book
Some of the crimes ive participated in would make the blind look
Crime is foreign to you but sadly its home to me
My girl wants a sober seed but my vices is all i oversee
Alcoholic? Well not quite there yet but im not far from it
My brain is intact, Heart my pain is in that, with a scar on it
I'll spit rhymes my rhymes at hip hops conscience hope my flow sticks
I put the punchlines away and only swore three times hope you noticed
Deeper shit from me, fuck what you think of the structure go check your favourite rappers lyrics, structure will be all over the place so dont be hating on my shit.
-
-
Wooooooow..
Nice..
just..
niiiiiice...
-
I liked it a lot, good flow and pretty good structure. You used pretty good vocab, i think you could do a pretty good audio with this verse. It was nice and long and was strong pretty much in all parts.
Good drop, keep on writing.
-
Suprise my shit is getting slept on too many haters on this site jealous bastards, uppin.
-
Damn, there hasnt been much feedback being left in here latley. I hate this shit, im discouraged to post anything, because of the noobs not leaving constructive critism. I either get a "that was nice" or a "boo that sucked"
Not a lot of people break shit down anymore, except for the older heads, mmy shit isnt that great but Id like a little better feedback then what ive gotten.
-
Alcohol is apparently evil so im drowning in sin
Only if i mutilate my mouth will it turn from a frown to a grin
That couplet is one of the concepts that stood out to me. I also feel ya with the lines about blind hate, I did a piece about that, its definitely relateable. I agree with what you said about structure, it's nice to see straight lines in text, but when the piece is used for audio there's less importance placed on it. The alliteration was a nice touch, and the vocab for the piece was a strength.
Please drop feed on my friend's piece, it's being slept on.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=224626
-
-
A kind of random topic but with some solid imagery and decent multi's to back it up. I think you should've taken this piece in a more original direction but you kept me reading. The vocab could've been a little stronger. The structure and line length were fine. A decent drop.
Keep on posting and please return the favour on my piece 'The Pain of Digging'
-
-
4 replies? This piece is nice as usual heads wanna hate ignoring nice pieces cause they cant do nothing better.
-
Man this shit was tight as hell, very surprised ur gettin slept on. The wrdplay was nice, the rhymes were sick and the flow was on point. really enjoyed readin this piece bro dnt often c things up to this level.
chek mine out plz bro, called "leave me alone".
Nice, keep droppin bro.
Peace :D
(by da way where u from in wales?)
-
It was a decent drop. I don't think you were persistant enough, you hadda lotta good leads but ain't keep them goin. You repeated a lot of shit a few times and kept goin off topic. Some of the better vocab was used the wrong way jus for the sake of usin them, read the definition in the dictionary first. Your rhyme scheme was really good at parts but like I said you weren't persistant, you would slack up. You got great imagery and great content but if you stuck wit a more particular topic youd have a lot more unique a versitle choice of vocab and word play. Keep up the shit, it was a better start than anything. -1-
-
coo piece, i saw some multis in here, you could of took this in a different interpretation, it was a bit straight foward.......I could predict what was going to happen, but i kept reading. IMO it was worth the read, just throw in some vocab in there and it will make it that much better.
Pz
-
Appreciate the feed, this isnt really a story type piece its more an introspective looking out at my neighbourhood piece, so wat i was saying was random. But you cant be hating on the flow/rhyme schemes/inside rhymes etc.
