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God - Around The World
In this globe we live in, it's a given, humans are struggling
People driven insane by all of the pressures they're juggling
Two ways out of the trap for most: athletic and lyrical
And every waking second of life, a birth arrives, a miracle
Empirical formulas developed, enveloping the masses in war
Whores rolling on the floors, sniffing and fiending for more
This is the reality, the true fatality, lives come and go in swirls
Lying in the clutches of tragedy dominating around the world
Texas, Ghana, Paris, Beijing, everywhere people search for a better life
Praying that the day won't come where husbands must bury their wives
Hoping that the strife will soon be over, lowered guns, warring stopped
Hoping there can be no more animosity between the civilians and cops
They seek the river, to bear them into the new age of destiny, it calls
Where humans can think and know not to destroy forests, building malls
Where bathroom stalls are no longer the biggest threat for the female
Where there will be no breakouts, because no murderers in these jails
Degrees hailed at universities, a peice of paper deciding you're smart
While younglings try to be rappers, and get disdained for these arts
And street smarts? It's a part of the survival education, no question
Youth learning to avoid prison, where they become slaves to erections
From the homo thugs in the cells, on the lookout to ring a bell or two
While across the world, AIDs infected Africans walk with no shoes
And Europe with booze, teenagers becoming alcoholics very early
Changing the rope of life from straight and narrow to frayed and curly
Plus the surly politicians get to rippin' on each other, death campaigns
Plotting a nation's certain destruction during the caviar and champagne
And The Game and 50 Cent are our children's heroes, all they've got
Corruption of these fake gansters have kids running to the Candy Shop
And it's hot, I mean, I can rap about it, so some are conscious, right?
But my naiveté blinds me to the fact the voice of reason sounds light
'Cuz they don't put up a fight, like mindless dogs following masters
Telling the world it's cool to have sex early and pick on a fat bastard
And so their souls wait for the masturbation of life, regurgitating peace
Where they don't condition your right to life with the terms on a lease
And thus around the world we go, until we can give ourselves freedom
And I gotta say it, damn, God would be nice right now, 'cuz we need him
In this globe we live in, it's a given, humans are struggling
People driven insane by all of the pressures they're juggling
Two ways out of the trap for most: athletic and lyrical
And every waking second of life, a birth arrives, a miracle
Empirical formulas developed, enveloping the masses in war
Whores rolling on the floors, sniffing and fiending for more
This is the reality, the true fatality, lives come and go in swirls
Lying in the clutches of tragedy dominating around the world
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Yeah... I got my old name back.
Feedback, bitches!
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I liked this, structure was nice, a smooth read. I enjoyed the rhyming in the chorus. You had a wide range of ideas, but some nice concepts within the piece, which was a strength of the verse. The subtle wording on some thoughts made the meaning hit harder. Vocab was good, and you kept with the rhyme schemes you had without falling off.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=197130
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Thanks for the feed... anyone else? Hit it up.
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Degrees hailed at universities, a peice of paper deciding you're smart
While younglings try to be rappers, and get disdained for these arts
i liked this line alot
From the homo thugs in the cells, on the lookout to ring a bell or two
While across the world, AIDs infected Africans walk with no shoes
liked this line again
Hoping that the strife will soon be over, lowered guns, warring stopped
Hoping there can be no more animosity between the civilians and cops
liked this aswell
ther are too much lines to qoute on here i liekd the topic like carl sed read smooth liked the chorus overall yeh real good read keep it up bruv -1- check for my post tomoz called "the good days"
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Thanks man. Uppin again. I'll check your OM.
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How can you say this is a smooth read? He obviously didn't write to a beat, or at least properly, because your lines are way too long. Way too long, plus you didn't have internal rhymeschemes or anything to transition your thoughts. Work on that.
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LMAO at the two of you.
Anything nice to say?
I mean, after Wicked's (I dunno wtf that is) comment
and Spoken Origami's criticism?
And word, I've never tried writing to a beat before, LOL...
I'll try it one day.
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Word... I know you were, LOL...
*Seen you do it before*
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Pretty nice.
Streched, but dope.
Work on some better vocab, i know your capabilities lol. Your structure is pretty nice, but your flow is off because of the streched lines. Just cut them down and this piece would be dope y0.
Overall, a nice read, worth it.
Please check my piece called "segregation era"
Peace
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This was eeehhh. I've seen you come better. The line length wasn't as much of a problem as I thought it would be. The problem was creativity. I've seen this same piece a thousand times. 1 out of ever 5 pieces is this piece. I'd go for more originality. Write something that you think noone has ever written. Think of concepts that you think noone else has ever thought of. If you do that, you'll be pretty nice.
Anyway, the best part of this story is...
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"Youth learning to avoid prison, where they become slaves to erections"
Buwahahahahahahahahaha!! Omg, omg, omg! Lmao.
*dead*
*back to life*
*dead*
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=197814
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I agree that ya lines were waaay too long ya rhymin was nice tho' I like the story line, dealin wit real shit....I see a lot of potential, I'll be lookin for some new posts soon! keep ya head up!
