-
Madness
aight im still werkin on my writing skills gimme your worst and best criticism yo
Im gonna lay down some lines for a troopa on the front line
Sleepin in sand every night in the grind
you'll neva approach hs kind he's outta his mind
a trained killa trained to filla boddy bag
with some body wearin a rag
blazin an ak witha full mag
it's so sad
goes from chllin in boston in a bachla pad
to drivin a humvee in the streets of iraq.
promised his dad he comin back with his head in tact
in fact
he writes everyday to let him know he's okay
someone said he got a debt to pay to his societay
to ensure the american way and cheaper prices to pay
at the gas stations
wipin out any threat we facin
but this threat comes from one man's personal basement
bush one couldnt erase it so found a replacement
his own son took hold of this might gun united as one
under god
planes crash in from abroad
no time to pause rippin out chainsaws on you and yours
and the whole country applaud
we all saw it comin the war march was on
he found an excuse to use and abuse his ability to make headline news and fill his fathers shoes
startin shootin fear man cant think if his mind aint clear
and how do you dare say we shouldnt go over there
drop bombs in another hemisphere
masses of people becomes axis of evil
ya say man I dontbelieve you
watch em come and grab ya whole crew
just ask anyone in guantanamo been there for 3 years or so
no callin home no pickin up a microhone
just a lost face of a diferent race with no family to help trace
and no lawyer to help break this hold they got over your life
teach you next time to think twice
to stand in front of bush and his big knife when sadaams in his sights
now we stuck with no way to exit no plan was tested
people arrested for meddlin and messin and causin distress
when they was really speakin truth and tryin to let loose
the fact that were just movin targets for an enemy with no regrets
and they never forget the evils that we've done in the past
got em to fight for us left an they all got gassed
for many soldiors there's no comin back
meetin there fate in a muslim iraq carryin fallen brothers on backs
coverin tracks and tryin to escape back to this great place
this great disgraice of a country that gets hit and shoots up the place
ya see I said before that we went to war with no master plan
now stand up and say get our boys outta the sand
-
A poll isn't necessary, since the more valuable advice is to take in the advice from the feedback.
It was good that you wrote to a topic, since you're just starting writing, this will help you improve. The concept's been done a lot, and there could have been more creativity. You had some multis, keep that up. Read some other peoples and open mics to get a feel for ways to structure your verse successfully.
Return the feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192481
-
2 links or this gets closed.
-
-
juss work on vocab and work on ur structure...cuz u had long lines followed by short lines which will give u a bad flow..
~one~
-
you should work on ur shit.....fix ur vocab to a higher array of words......and fix ur structure and u'll be good to go.....peace
-
realy wat i think is to work on the vocab a bit,:)
