Land of the Free

Here are my two links:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...63#post2247463
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...69#post2247469

I don't really know where this verse came from. I was just mucking around with multies, and the idea for this piece took shape.

Fuck flower power this is our hour,
Drop the bomb, and make for a sour shower,
As acid rain attacks all and treats all the same,
Pain causes all to complain along the same vein,
We'd look upon poverty in a different light if we all had no food,
The same reason to brood and if we were all in the same mood,
If every single one of us got screwed by the same dude,
The powers that collude would be viewed in the same light if the same blood feud ensued,
We'd all have the same reason to fight the powers that might,
Just write us all off as casualites to the night,
And bring down nuclear blight in the name of a white knight,
We didn't invite to lead our plight,
One that plunged us into a war upon a shore,
Where we had no reason to be on tour,
Where we didn't want to rest an oar,
To search for weapons that were never found in store,
One that removed freedom just to feed them fears so he could bleed them,
He opened pandoras box, took the horrors inside and freed them,
Treason now allows an indefinite incarceration,
Across the nation we're all on battle stations,
Just to fight for the oil incorporations incoporated nation,
And we're ready to do so without any kind of formal investigation,
Spending money on defense to help offense,upon a false pretence,
Because it makes perfect business sense, to right off lives as an expense,
The devil stepped out of the debris with a fools decree, so hear my plea,
If this is indeed the land of the free, why do they spy on you and me?


What do you all think?

I thought this was a decent verse the first four bars should of been left out they were a bit corny but after that the verse started to improve it was a good topic to speak on but i didnt think you got deep in the subject.
There was one or two nice lines but nothing more.
The structure was ok the vocab could be upped a bit and the flow needs work so when you read the rhymes they sound better.
Next time you write try to take more time with your verses and think about what your writing and i think you'll improve.

Return the favour.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=183307

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ok...first the start i thought had too much multis;you should've cut some of them out.and throught the whole piece i noticed you mainly concentrated on multis,and the flow kinda lacked in some places.You should concentrate on other things,such as message,emotion,meter etc.And i suggest next time you come up with a topic,and try to spit arround that topic(but as you said u were just messing arround with multis).and also i suggest you up your vocabulary so you can put more focus on your ideas,emphasize them better,u know?overall this was a decent drop.Keep it up!

And if you would drop a feed in "Battlefield"(in my sig) it would be apreciated.

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