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Thread: Mental Purgatory...

  1. April 3rd, 2005, 05:08 AM #1
    ..IllThoughtZ..
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    Mental Purgatory...

    Mental Purgatory




    A man sits alone laced in perennial fires....
    where da desolated rebels roam and the churchgoers are liars....
    abrupt shrapnels of evil encase this mans mind and frame...
    his abbreviated tactics morph to descriptions of pain...
    this place was an abode of this man for many ages...
    a place where satans inauguration does not allow one to write pages...
    so he's forced to keep it in... indulging in his pen and his rhymes...
    acid rains on his head...causing thoughtz to deintertwine...
    No one knows where this place is...or this mans hidden alias...
    they are lost deep in perception...confused by lies and deception...
    this mans not an exception...he was bourne with no identity...
    dubbed himself the mighty deity but still succumbed to severe envy...
    he lives in unfair darkness... while others live in impartial light...
    as he awaits this equinox...where the day is equal to night...
    the sunny skies compliment his eyes...the darkness he chooses to defy...
    delegate the souls of da weak...his faction is becoming obsolete...
    they walk down da depths of hell...searchin for an evil tyrant...
    found evidence of sinning scrolls...soon to be triumphant...
    the faction senses the evil within proximity...but their peripherals see him within no vicinity...
    see trapped souls so they exempt them from da enemy...
    so finally they confront this evil...and approach him with severe exhaustion....
    little did this faction know dat this was only their deeper conscience...
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  2. April 3rd, 2005, 05:10 AM #2
    ..IllThoughtZ..
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    two links:

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=183176
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=182920
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  3. April 3rd, 2005, 09:15 AM #3
    iNFiNiTE A
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    4 hours and im the first person to comment.. damn this is a great peice...

    the vocab was used in the right times.. and it was a great read.. it had a great topic and you stayed on topic.. good job!
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  4. April 3rd, 2005, 10:13 AM #4
    ¤|-.Alpha.-|¤
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    Not bad peace son. Keep up the work.
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  5. April 3rd, 2005, 10:35 AM #5
    Haywood Jewblomi
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    This was a very good verse. Welll written, and nice flowing. Used some good vocabulary (although i'm not sure deintertwined is a real word, but it doesn't sounds that bad so it can slide). Dealt with some good emotions, and had some nice imagery too. Was a very nice piece in all. COudl do with some more multies really, but that's about it.
    I'm surprised they didn't delete me ages ago...
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    ............:vanja:
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  6. April 3rd, 2005, 04:48 PM #6
    ..IllThoughtZ..
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    thanks fa feed uppin ....
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  7. April 3rd, 2005, 05:24 PM #7
    Deviate
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    You wrote well here. It was an interesting story with good vocabulary and pretty good flow. The only real flaw I could pick from this is the structure was a bit odd and it could've been slightly longer. However, I haven't seen pieces from you before so I don't know if that is your style or not. It was, overall, a good piece with a good level of complexity and creativity. I enjoyed reading... Keep elevating and working at it though and you'll be writing great pieces.

    If you could leave feedback on "Tears of the World" in my sig I'd appreciate it.

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  8. April 3rd, 2005, 05:45 PM #8
    Da Naka
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    ya i agree with dev that was a nice peace just elevate a little.

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  9. April 3rd, 2005, 08:47 PM #9
    Illus'
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    Ok now this is the type of scripts
    I like to read. Very very well discriptive
    well written. Vocabulary and meaning flowed
    nicley. Nice touch good imagery very good
    imagery.

    "his abbreviated tactics morph to descriptions of pain...
    this place was an abode of this man for many ages...
    a place where satans inauguration does not allow one to write pages..."

    ^ Nice discription. Painted a well orchestrated picture.

    "so he's forced to keep it in... indulging in his pen and his rhymes...
    acid rains on his head...causing thoughtz to deintertwine..."

    ^ Nice imagery.


    Over all a well thought out piece.
    Nicley done.
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  10. April 3rd, 2005, 08:50 PM #10
    Illus'
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    Oh by the way are you the illThoughtz..
    That used to know Lyrical Remedy.?
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  11. April 3rd, 2005, 10:55 PM #11
    ..IllThoughtZ..
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    ^^^^^that name seems familiar but i dont think so...uppin
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  12. April 3rd, 2005, 11:02 PM #12
    yellow
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    man, Illthoughtz that fucking sucked. You must have felled in English. Never write some meaningful shit like that again. Give up on your dreams, for real. Let me see.... what was a really wack line?

    they are lost deep in perception...confused by lies and deception...
    this mans not an exception...he was bourne with no identity...
    dubbed himself the mighty deity but still succumbed to severe envy.

    Yeah, that one particularly sucked. Give up.
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  13. April 4th, 2005, 12:04 AM #13
    ~{ExClusive}~
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    your stucutre is decent your flow is a little off. you dont really have that good of imagery, try using some multies or something. overal i rate this a D
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  14. April 4th, 2005, 12:26 AM #14
    StuartStrange
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    this was a very good drop, yes the structure was off as mentioned above but i thought it added to the overall feel of the piece. vocabulary was widely ranged with some nice wordplay.


    (Why is Yellow such a bitch?)
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  15. April 4th, 2005, 07:33 AM #15
    ..IllThoughtZ..
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    ^^^^^i dont know but he need ta get da fuck outta my thread
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