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Family Vacation
Family vacation, meant to bring us closer together
A time in our lives, that we'll always cherish forever
My daughter, the older one, who's growing up too fast
My son, the yonger one, who's known to make us laugh
My wife, the love of my life. Whom i'll spend my life with
Camping at a national park, we're so happy and excited
We arrived early in the morning, and went fishing for fun
Then the kids went swimming, when fishing was done
The sun started to set, so we set our tents up
My son and I let my wife and daughter have the best one
Then after the tents were set, we gathered brush for a fire
For this trip to bring us together, was my ever last desire
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Sitting around the fire, delighted by the smiles on their faces
It feels good to do somethin with the family..
..without having either one of the children complainin they hate this
As time races, we decide to hit the sack and get some sleep
Just as I lay down, my wife ask me to get somethin from the jeep
So I get up, and tell my son to just lay down and rest his eyes
"I'll be right back, don't leave this tent unless I say other wise"
I zip up the tents door, and proceed to get somethin for my wife
The jeep's out a ways, so it takes 20 minutes of my night
I return, and give my wife what she needed. Then I go back to the tent
Open it up to see, that my son has disappeared in the time that I spent
I panic, ask my wife where the hell has our son gone
What in the world would have gotten him from the tent withdrawn
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My hearts pumpin, I run in to the woods. Screaming his name
"JAMES, come out get over here. This is not a game"
And I go insane, as I hear nothing, not a single response
He's probably scared, wantin his mommy and daddy...
.... I know for a fact, that's exactly what he wants
As I desperately search for my son, my wife looks for help
I'm scared for his life, no words could explain the way I felt
Next thing I kno, we have a whole police station lookin for him
And I even heard an officer say, "Look at this man, ....
....if he dont find his kid, It will just haunt and destroy him"
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22 hours later, 30 miles away, they find a wrecked truck
In a ditch, upside down, between tree's it remained stuck
No view inside, until they tow the truck out. My wife shouts,
A dead man behind the wheel, next to him were my sons where abouts
Both dead, bloody from head to toe. Both kilt from impact
At that moment, my pride had fell. No longer intact
Infact, the emptyness in my heart, was a horrible feeling
And I asked god, "My son, why was this man stealing?"
Why'd he have to take my son, even worst, his life
I dont understand, and I kno, i'll never forgive or forget this night
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Up for some feedback on this.
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DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this was sick as hell!!! somebody please put that in legends!!!!!!!!!!!
shit that was hot, i could feel it in the pit of my stomach...
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This was very well written. A nice comeback piece, eh tic?. Very nice work. :)
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Kinda late there buddy, been back for a week or two.
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that seriously put a tear to my eye man... fuckin a.... that shit is tight... wow, dude... serious.. you are.... wow... no words... A tear though man.... PROPS...
ANNOUNCEMENT
this man is a legend
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hmmm nice nice drop
the vocab was basic but thats ok this was still a dope piece and vocab wasn't really needed,the rhyme scheme was nice,the imagery and the way you expressed each family members personality was incredible,,the emotion was raw and quite solid,the structure was nice and this was a nice in complex drop, and also this is a quite enjoyable and legendary piece if you ask me......best work ive seen from you since youve returned man nice job
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Up for some more feedback
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Dope shit, on the real yo. I felt like I was watching these events take place.. which I was, in my head. Every sentence I read, I visualized it perfectly in my head, and that's what makes a poem/story good in my opinion: imagery. The only thing that left me confused is.... why would some random guy take a kid out of a tent and drive off with him?.. especially in a forest. That aside, I appreciate the meaning behind this story and it really was a touching piece. Good work Tic.. and that's word.
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Yo man this shit was very deep...10/10 to me....u used some great imagination on this one...felt the emotion inside me readin this piece....i like how it kept me thinkin if ya son was alive or not....great post man this should go down in history
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Thanks, up for some more feedback.
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the shit was really touchin' loved it
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well done..simple vocabulary...very nicely controlled meter...nice concept...very nice overall execution...your story was interesting and told well, there were enough details to give the piece depth, and it didn't lag so that the reader gets bored...you kept a quick pace throughout, or it seemed quick, maybe because you kept drawing the reader in, i never felt like a wanted to stop reading for a second...there are some things i would change, but this was very good..congrats on the legends nod...prolly won't make it though...
welcome back...
