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The Cabin...
The Cabin.......
On the outskirts of a Small secluded, mid western town,
were rumors of young girls bodies found bonded and bound,
When asked what happened townsfolk responded in frowns,
Signs of remorce, saying the lord extinguished her torch
"no foul play" in reports, she died prematurely of course,
Even as children her parents heard stories of his porch...
A social parasite and a product of inner pain and poverty,
Brain waves strange and thoughts not what they ought to be,
stalking mockingly and eager for some way to feel empowered,
The helplessness feeds the disease of this twisted prowler,
A sad, traumatic childhood illness thrown from a broken home,
This dark figure found an old forest road and built his own,
Now all alone, he takes quiet strolls when the moon is low,
Unknown to most he walks by the dorms when the school is closed,
This story refers to those walks and tragedies that occured,
A sick mans sense of decency and dire consequnces blurred,
A naive girl thats in the woods over weird noises she's heard,
His eyes are covered with a glaze of madness and crazed passion
this predator waits for his chance to attack and takes action,
before the young girl knew what had happened she saw his cabin,
Through confused beautiful eyes and the thin linen wrapping,
she came crashing on a bed with a table of arrayed contraptions
The man was laughing, mumbling and enjoying her struggling,
Spit trickled from his lips in his pockets hands were fumbling
He reached out, by the time she saw it she expelled to shout
she felt the warmth trickle out her mouth onto a slik blouse,
If only this young child could have taken a different route,
Sweet and innocent eyes with skin and hair as smooth as satin,
Her hopes and dreams and purity Lie forever inside..the cabin
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damn that was dope. i nominy this. seriously. if i wasn't so lazy, i'd do it now. lol. but i am lazy sorry. lol. off the hook flow. almost as ill as man. real dope on that aspect. imagery was none the less. structure was near perfect. awesome story telling techniques. kept me interested thru the whole read. great imagery, i saw it all. very near-flawless verse man. and i thought only i wrote those...lol. props.
peace
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LOL...thanx for the feed.......Appreciated....
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Nice storytelling brethren...
umm... I kinda like the 3 line rhyming scheme... and I kinda don't...
if it was a little more organized... well... you eased the transitions well enough... and it goes off ok...
the vocab was light... but you made up for it in interesting multis and such...
and if you know about this incident you should report it to the police asap...lol
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Uppin for some more feed-back...
leave a link and Ill hit up your OM's...
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Ay Kid Dat Was Nice...U Not On My Level Yet But Still lol....U Dope..1
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^^ok buddie....whatever you say....Uppin for some honest feedback..leave a link and I'll reply to your OM's...
thanx...
peace....
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yo kid that was an iight peace need a lil better structure but that was some good worldplay. That was some good detail in that nice flow and some good keystyles in there. all together that was a good drop holla
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Uppin one more time...
Ill return the favor......
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nice work - got better as it went along - imagery was good - scheme was decent - first verse had some awkward wordings but piece kept getting better as it went along - nice way to sum things up with your closer - keep it up - peace
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Your yhme scheme was great, your transitions were also good, the stroy telling wa tight and some of your multies were there but basic meaning two word keep this up
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UP..........
Leave a link and Ill reply to your OM's...
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Yeah this was well written...
Flow was nice, the multies in there made it more interestin. You were really creative in this piece and it made for a good read. Your words painted a picture in my head so the imagery was definatly there. And your structure made it easy to follow...
Overall nice drop
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Up................................................ ...........