He Killed Her

I trusted a player and he misjudged my intentions,
Guess there was no hope for us, but such a cruel intervention,
The tension to fall in love, feelings sprung to my attention,
He screwed with my heart in his glove, and even failed to mention,
That i was just one of his 'ladies' a raw slab of meat,
That he could toy with and beat, until i gave up to defeat,
Let him take me, under his wing and drag me along,
On such a short line of string, tight control, he watched over my every move,
Where is the loyalty in that? no wonder i failed to approve,
But i was blinded by emotions, a game i thought i never would lose!
Coming or going? i was powerless to choose, he made the decisions,
He forged the plans, it was him that stole my innocence,
He said he was a changed man, changed my ass! but try like i can,
I can't see the turning point, the day that this 'pimping' began,
Can't pinpoint the time, the second that he morphed into this fiend,
That scorched the childhood from under me, that burned more than it cleaned,
Cleansed by his evil, sold to the world, hung like a dress from a market,
Still i hadn't yet learned! He treat my like nothing, and worth nothing i was,
He told me i was stupid, that my looks were the cause, that nobody loved me,
Excentuated my flaws, i looked in the mirror, and i defied all the laws,
My face stretched and bleeding, my eyes sagged and red,
Tears strained my complexion, all beauty had fled,
Gone like the times, i lay happy in bed, dreaming of true love,
Now replaced with hate in my head, he put those images there,
He's the one to blame, he turned this bright flower, into a spiteful young flame
That hurt those who touched her, tried to break in, to the girl deep inside her
Tried to drill through that skin, she was so depressed, she was so confused,
She felt if she had everything, it meant more to lose,
He produced negitive vibes, he made her take those pills
So that she was rushed to hospital, unbelievebly ill,
He was the reason, her name was carved on the stone..
And he was the reason, she can never come home.

wow, i'm sorry, i just saw the thing about the links, i know it says first post but pleez don't close this, i'll get them now for you, sorry for the inconvinience..

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115243
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115818
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=115818

yo this was good kid ur good it was deep

^ You need to start leaving better feedback.

But this was nice here....You had some nice vocab through out the entire piece....the flow in this was good as well, it flowed pretty smoothly I thought....It was a nice deep piece, I like pieces like that....overall a nice piece, enjoyed the read.

thanks Credz, and the random guy that left me such a long list of advice! LMAO

anymore replies?

This was a descent piece, I can tell theres feeling behind it..good topic aswell, your delivery was good along with tha rhyme scheme..Imagary was good too..Overall this is a good piece, I really got into tha piece half way through, descent drop, hit my collab wid diverse Family Failures please :)
~1~

ok. Good . Almost very good. I liked the contence and how the story developed from something little ( like him playin her) to somthing so much more serious ( her death). The twist on the end was really nice. Hmm you structure was oright bit strached and it would help bring the piece in more if the lines were shorter. Would give more of an impact on the reader. Your flow was good , but fell off a bit on a few places and made me re-read , which i dont like. Having said all that the piece was a very nice read and keep doing it.


return the fev if u can:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=116179

thanks for the reeeplies! they were proper Bo i tell thee!

anyone else?

you know what... i was thinkin to my self.. this is gonna be wack... lol but as i read it... i was like damn... dis is actully nice i was feelin it vocab was there senceablity an depthness of o-rig ... nice read for the eye's healthy ...lol... but neway yeah it was good dunny... keep doin big like this... yep... 8/10

Caesar - On3