Murder Murder

[vanes]

here goes

MIXED EMOTION AN VIEWS
killings violent police chasing innocent kids//
with auto's the size of lil kims tits//
nuclear warheads heading for the u.s.a//
nobody see's it, but its headed for central l.a//
lil kids crying no food to eat//
while bush eats healthy, and has a good night sleep//
politicians dont give a fuck, its just war//
u say 1 thing bad, they ready to poor...//
are blood of course, the soldiers family's cry//
coz murders on there mind, coz they gotta die//
fight 4 yo country,bush and blair both blind//
both of dem only got money power an domination on there mind//
some rappers like to rap about money, sum like da hoes//
some like the game, and some just like the clothes//
some musicans have a vision, but overs just shatter that//
some stay so real, but 4dat get gat rest in piece pac//


COULD NEVER B PIECE
oh shyte,
could never b piece when these kids lay in the streetz//
stomachs empty for days, u cant even hear there heart beat//
feet so small lack of vitimans, and even worse there eaten rats//
aint got no choice, to them rats taste nice like that//
the most precious thing to a kid is its family//
born into a world full of torture and its mum is sickly//
brother feeling suicidle and her sister so unhappy//
there no cure for this pain, coz that kid is me//
tyed up in emeotions its so hard to loosen the not//
its like ima trying to find shade, but its just too hot//
so much things to say to yaahl an not nuff words 2put it in//
if i told u lot bout everyfin,you'll probably dash this skit in the bin//
so easy to put a rhyme on paper an let it shine//
but no1 keeps it real any more, we all do it for dymes//
money causes problemz didnt biggie teach u anfin bout da streets
nigger man, ima sorry to say this, but there never gonna piece//


replied to: DROPZ, RULE, DETHLOK

[Mistral]

This was alright i thought....structure in this was ok, could be a bit better though i think, cause you have some short lines and long lines, try keeping them around the same length...also try adding some multies in to this to help it flow better...but this was ok...keep at it.

[vanes]

uppin 4 sum mo feedback

[-uski-]

this was pretty Good......structure Need work But it will Come...They Need to stay the Same Length Or Around the Same Length...To Improve Ya Flow add multis and Extend ya Vocab A bit.....Oh Yea can ya HIt Up Some of My Open Mics.....All and all a good read Keep it Flowing Peace....(v)........

[K.I.D.]

that was some nice shit dog it was good all around. Keep spittin that positive we need more of that shit. i cant link it but hit my open mic and tell me what u think

Holla at em.

[Amarant]

i thought this was a good piece and a good read.
wordplay was alright, not dat many multis try added a few in future rhymes, structure was easy to follow and flow was good although it fewll off in places.
overall gd piece.

hit my rhyme
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=98014

cheers

[vanes]

thanks fo yo reply's, uppin 4 sum mo results, keep em coming

[Kastaway]

word I was feeling this, especially since you were saying you are new to this... I would try to work on more multis and equalizing your bar lengths... Also try to change up your vocab a bit try not to repeat the words that you can find a synonym to.

[Endeva.]

didnt really stand out to me, but it was still good enough.......both verses could use some work, with multis n shit...but some in....vocab was ok....but that can always be improved...so yeah.....not bad....pZ

[Cels]

it was an alright drop...flow was alittle off...and structure was just ok


needs more metas and multis...vocab was alright

good since your new...

keep elevating and droping

[Gunna XL]

this was really good.

p.s i like the bush diss

[Pr0phiX]

vocab is pritty decent......flow was decent gota off a bit
few good lines some old concepts

[hound]

that was pitty good for most of it