He sucked at talent

[Forlorn]

I have not dropped in ages and this is the result not to good a peice but still reply.Get better as it goes on. Thanking u

......He sucked at talent......
........So why did he try?....
......He sucked at talent......
Sometimes he wished he'd just die

Let me tell u a story about a boy that was talentless...
He spoke with a lisp, he had no knuckles on his fist...
It wasnt his fault it was the people that doubted him...
shouted at him, so he tryed to let his anger out in rymes...
But they sucked to so he did drugs and minor crimes...
He listened to music everywhere he went...
Got fired from his part time job his savings were spent...
left his mums house when she tried charging rent...
Moved to his dads where he became a ryme reclusive...
He stressed the elusive, strongly hated the abusive...
But he was still living surving resisting...Rebelling...
Against the world that never tried to assist him..
Rebbeling against societies views of a good person...
He ws the worst one..One day his blood thirst one...
It all went down in the month of febuary...
An awards ceromony...A group of celebrities...
No denial he went out with style.....A blast......
Home made bomb made them suffer the pain he sufferd in the past....

......He sucked at talent......
........So why did he try?....
......He sucked at talent......
Sometimes he wished he'd just die

[deacon]

you know what im looking past you saying this piece wasnt good...I actually like it alot. the way some of your words rolled off was really cool.....The chorus was ify but the verse was dope...keep writing....


ohh yeah had a nice twist at the end i really liked...

-1-

[J.Essen]

Dat was dope

[rule]

^^Un give an actual responce...he wrote something for you to read...you can atleast say a sentance.

Anyways

This was a good verse I thought. Youre right it did start off slow but picked up very quick. Your rhymes were good and some lines were really well worded. You brought this verse together nicely for not writting in a while. Good Drop.

[Maven.]

good to see you treach =)

The story telling aspect of this piece dominated. It outlined the basic things that were going on. I think if you had added some metaphors and wordplay in it would have been more effective. Maybe writing two lines about how he has to live at his dad because his mom started charging rent. Maybe explain why she did this, etc. You get the gist, try to elaborate on points with the use of metas and wordplay, because it makes the piece harder hitting. The ending was fairly good, I think it might have added to it if you had told us what he was thinking, or described it from his perspective instead of just being a narrator. It helps to show more than one side of a story.

Another aspect you can improve is flow. It's always good to write a piece that just rolls of the tongue. Try to make the syllables in your bars the same length, or close to it, so it all comes out nicely. I usually try to make my syllables around 12, but it's a matter of preference. Once you get your flow down, adding in more multies and internals becomes easier.

This was a good piece dude, but if you work on these things you will improve a lot.
Peace =)

[Johnny 6-feet]

creative as hell, although it little abrupt in the ending, a weird flow but still conveyed the meaning of the piece, great imagry here as well. is this based on real life? i smell shades of columbine here...

good work.

[Masahiko.]

that shit was hot
i could sit here and name a million
things that are tight bout this too
-the flow was tight
-you had some real hot wordplay
-*your Name* says it all
BOTTOM LINE
--------------------------
Deep Deep Deep
Emotional
that shit is Deep

[Forlorn]

Thanks a hell of alot guys this is best feed back i have ever gotten thanks maven......I will reply to all your peices...thanks appreciated heaps

[Lewd]

i like it man.i thought the story tellin aspect of it was coo and the topic was interesting to. your wordplay was good and it flowed real well. a great read...

drop an honest vote on this battle

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...hreadid=104874

[Forlorn]

Originally posted by Johnny 6-feet
creative as hell, although it little abrupt in the ending, a weird flow but still conveyed the meaning of the piece, great imagry here as well. is this based on real life? i smell shades of columbine here...

good work.

yes partly-Based on people that societys has made fee worthless and "talentless"

Again thanking everyone speciallly maven for his in depth reply...

[Prince Adem]

Nice storytelling technique... lyrically, it had some nice vocab and rhymes worked very well.... i liked the topic... we've all felt worthless and talentless at some point in our lives... and the end was top stuff

9/10

[Forlorn]

thanks fellow australian emcee

[-uski-]

yea so i havent read Any of ya past pieces so i cant compare but ny was this piece was Nice man i dont know why your saying its not good but it flowed nicely Kept on ya topic so it was actually really good ya structure was pretty Good Ya Kept It Consistant...ya Wordplay was Pretty Good And i can tell waht your saying Because of it.....So all-n-all man this was a Pretty Nice Read.....PeacE OuT MaN.....

[Peepers]

yea man this was dope, realy dope....

flow lacked at a few moments, seemed forced.....but the best aspect of this peice was the description and the emotion, you had a well defined character with unique traits.....thats good writing. was a bit short tho man, if you woulda made it longer, more interesting story, with a few extra aspects to the character, this would be even doper

return the favor

good peice

[Forlorn]

Thanks for giveing me feedback guys its MOST appreciated.