No Sleep

[Neruda II]

Sleep deprived
Mind cries//
It moans and tears
with hopes and fears//
I cannot sleep
for sleep is weak//
why close my eyes?
to find surprise?//
I'll find a dream
A dream supreme//
and in this dream, no one fights
In this dream, there are no lies//
In a dream, you walk hard streets
and not be killed in concrete//
What a beautiful dream with no wars
In a perfect dream there are no poor//
Instead she cires, a girl forlorn
Easy to buy, a dirty whore//
Poor girl, cry no more
Busch says this is what we are fighting for...//

[Madd Preacher]

this was a nice little nursery rhyme...but names aren't what you use in poetry....gives too much solid detail...you need to be a lil more eccentric and not as precise....ya dig...but wordplay was simple...as well as the rhyme scheme....

but was coo none the less....


igido

[Dr.Gonzo]

Not to bad...the ryme schem was simple yes

i would say extend each line, make it more complex, more details tell your story, bring us inside...

and i think you might have spelled bush wrong...but i could be wrong

and i dident really get that ending, seems like you ended on a political note that had nothing to do with the rest of the poem

[Neruda II]

aight, its good to have feedback, but can i have sum good feedback?

[Dr.Gonzo]

Sorry if my reply wasent sufficent, just tryin to help ya up

if you dont mind peep my John Doe peice

[shawty"B"]

ok yah want gud feed back....... i liked the peice!!!!! that would honestly be the perfect dream too!!!! its an original YOU poem. it has your kinda vibe to it! does that help at all?

[Neruda II]

lol, yup that does help, (again thanx for the feedback) it did explain how i felt at the time, and it was kinda a personal poem for one reason or another. your mentallity seems to make it easy for u to get my poems, thats so fuckin cool, thanx again

[shawty"B"]

ur welcome...... i understand your poems so easily because its the kinda things that i think but could never find a way to write it down and that fact that you can find that is absolutely mezmorizing and thats basically y i ansered a shitload of ur poems because its my completely random thoughts that i think about for days written somewere in perfect form