Lifes Perversion

[Kastaway]

<chorus>
Witness my life as a perversion,
No one wants to see my person,
as if I will cause them subversion,
so how could life worsen,
I need a new diversion
</Chorus>

Since my immersion, my person has only needed,
diversions from this world, to let me watch as it receded,
pleaded to the judge but he aint wanna listen,
glisten of the guns was my only wakin mission,
incursion of tha rap game new way to start dishin,
words of wisdom to the kids, inversions of my wishin,
pissin my heart onto paper as I felt my blood and tears,
washin away the years of watchin all my fallin peers,
it scares you beyond the greatest fears,
of watchin in the miror as your family disapears,
souvenirs of my youth bullets, shanks, and a noose changing gears,
I entered this rap game to get my crew careers,
cause it appears nothings changing,
just cemeteries rearranging,
exchanging lives for the drugs,
cause people dont care for thugs,
so tighten up your lugs,
slugs comin swiftly,
but whose gunna miss me,
if my life was ended drastically,
except a choosen few,
and thats why ima do,
all I can for that crew,
who knew my inner truths,
so as I fill up the booth,
sippin on vermouth,
feelin ruth for youth,
Ima fade away to darkness, as surreal images are produced....

<chorus x2>

just some older shit I used in a track...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=97978
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=97922
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=97934

[A.T.]

definately work on your structure... your flow would greatly
benefit from it... your rhyme scheme was pretty good though,
try puttin more content into your rhymes...
overall it was a nice read... just do what I mentioned, and you'll
be set
~AshY~

[Endeva.]

thought ya scheme was ok....for rhyming...but the way it tailed of in the second half...let it down...the lines dont have to be the same...but the flow jus fell....work on that,,,keep it more like the beginning and...you'll do better...pZ

[menolin]

aiight, nice concept, nice flow, and vocab,
but your structure let you down a lot in this peace,
but you got potential.

peace

[skitten]

Your structure was off. If you are going to change the way you do it in the middle of the song, hit enter. Make two different verses. Flow was good. Easy to read.

[Kastaway]

thanks for the feedback...

[Echo]

Pretty nice read. People talk about structure, but they don't say why. It just makes the piece look more complex when you shove those little phrases together. You'll get better feedback if you do that. Peace

[noncentz]

i like this but you know i like most of your work from before thisa is ill and all angles covered the strruct was aight but illness.

[Kastaway]

^thnx fam good lookin out with the feedback...

[A77iCuS]

it was pretty good, but i found some of the lines were kinda short and your structure needs alot of work.

[Kastaway]

^