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Thread: 16 bars (bored...)

  1. #1
    Ultimate Fighter
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    Feb 2007
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    39
    Posts
    38

    16 bars (bored...)

    okay...you said this guy's name is punches
    let me punch him in the stomach and see if he crunches
    leave him puking up old elementary school lunches
    he can "produce" a market, throw up bananas in bunches

    peel'em back and mash'em in your damn face
    you're a disgrace to the whole human race
    i'll spray at you like a bitch using mase
    i won't miss a spot like Dirt Devil in this place

    i'm the self proclaimed man standin up to this bitch
    get off da mic little boy, this is grown man shit
    Natalie's your chick, but she sucks other mens' dicks
    i got proof, put this videotape in and play the clips

    i'm sorry i had to be the one to tell you dawg
    i feel your pain, take a sip of this here alcohol
    down you'll fall, throw yourself up against the wall
    make a call to rehab, sense...you lost it all

    a song with you wouldn't even have a beat
    i'd let you spit 2-bars then it's back to your seat
    you can't sit here, i need this space for my laun-dry
    back of the bus Forrest Gump, everyday not sor-ry

    matter of fact take my basket to the laundromat
    then stop by the cleaners to pick up my coat and slacks
    a man with heart and smarts needs a few lines to get stacks
    you have none, life stops short of crossing successful tracks

    success lies ahead in the hands of the beholder
    your life ends instead thanks to hollow tips in my holdster
    i'm about to fold ya, wake up! you need some Foldgers
    i'ma pull out my nine and save you like a closer

    and if that won't do then i'ma add some dynamite
    either way this battle's gonna have to end tonight
    i know you won't go without putting up a fight
    but it's time to night-night, so turn out your night-light.

  2. #2

    Re: 16 bars (bored...)

    much better, bro.. still came with a simple rhyme scheme though. nothing really wrong with that. came a lil' nicer with your multi's. flow was nice and smooth. seen a couple similes... not bad for a 16 bar keystyle.. keep on writing..

  3. #3
    Damn! Pusha Money is long Pusha C's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
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    3,256
    Battle Record
    51-33

    Re: 16 bars (bored...)

    This was a very simple open mic.It could have been better with better vocabulary. Although it had a nice flow to it, it was to plain. Your structure was average i think it could have been better.I liked the topic but you supposed to have ripped it. This was o.k though
    THEY GONE HATE ME NOW

  4. #4
    Fuck You Tony B's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
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    5,693
    Battle Record
    10-20

    Re: 16 bars (bored...)

    very simplistic, too much street slang. it's an open mic, wording and your personal portrayal plays a big role. not very creative at all, basic rhyme scheme. just my opinion, keep doin you
    - King Tone

  5. #5
    Resistance
    Guest

    Re: 16 bars (bored...)

    Very Simple,
    As Everyone Has said above me..Seems like an audio verse, because there was no wordplay or anything..
    So Plz don't post this on Open Mic, Because i'm tired of leaving feed on those who should've recorded there verse, and just put it in the audio section yo. But overall...Meh w/e you wanna call it..Freestyle w/e..So plz keep elevating, i see some potential..Keep it up..

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