Who Am I? (SS Verse)

[Johnny 6-feet]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328768
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328932


Who Am I?

I hit the bathroom, bladder bursting, stare in the mirror
Relieve myself, peel back the plaster, look at it clearer
I scratch the bite mark, it's fading, but scaring memory
A wolf attack some weeks back, true, its far from venomy
Remembering the beast, some kind of intelligence lurked in its eyes
It's ambush in the park was a murkin' surprise
I clean up and head outside, time's a quarter to nine
The stars are out, a full moon with a spark on the rise
I've got plans to hit the clubs, raise a drink with my thugs
Cut a rug, drain the bar dry, get some booty love
I make a dozen steps, then, stomach cramps, i'm doubling over
Sweat breaks, then freezes on my skin, grows steadily colder
It's agony that staggers me, leaning against a wall
The bite mark is on fire, losing strength i fall
Grit my teeth, utter a dull growl and then, in a state of shock
I watch the hair on my arm grow from complacent to lots
My beard flourishes, and somethings going wrong with my jaw
I stiffle a shriek, it seems to break, it pulls forward and claws
Are replacing my fingernails, this is the 9th ring of hell
A transformation from my nightmares, its painting a picture well
My shirt rips into tatters, like any of that matters
It feels like my brains splattered and served on madness' platter
It stops, thoughts are hard now, i fall to my knees
Peep a puddle a few feet away, then roar in desbelief
A monster stares back, now my memory fades
Escapes through the back door, and now comes energy waves
Instinct rushes through my cerebrum, i'm smelling the blood
A thrist crashes into my senses, i wouldn't quell if i could
I charge off into the night and, as a last gasp of humanity
The question 'who am i?' is asked then fades into obscurity

[Boxin Mics]

not bad at all, bro. very creative piece. imagery was definitely on point. nice and smooth flow. nothing lacked really. detailed everything at its best possible. vocabulary wasnt bad either. all i can really say is.. keep writing. good job, man.. overall id give this a 9.4/10.. only cuz your rhyme scheme was basic (simple). either way it still flowed nicely, so dont think im hating on you in any way. only giving my honest opinion. also many people i read from spit about transforming into something. like wolfs and blah blah.. other than that.. dopeness.. enjoyed it all.. keep writing..

[noncentz]

yeah you like my booty love dont you Johnny is that why they call you 6FEET lol nah this was graphic and fallowed topic and order wordplay was there could bea lil stronger but this was fire twin i liked the read alot peep our crew member side oor open mic twin i did a no no to DJ

[Kris Stubbs]

I actually think this peice was outstanding. The whole storyline was different. You played with it, captured it. Your vocabulary was real good. I thought your overall wordplay was great. The whole topic was nice to read. I think the flow was amusing, and it definately kept my interest to the last line. Good job man. overall a real liked peice. i also think you did a good job with the length. you didn't overdo it, you stopped perfectly.

dope read.

[HighEngineChief]

Are you a werewolf? WHO ARE YOU!? lol this was a dope piece my nig, got some originality to it and i liked the fact that at the end you still dont really know who you are, leaves something for the readers to keep thinking about even after the'yre done. Good drop Johnny Boi, keep it gagsta cousin.

Hit N Run!

Holla Back

[DC aka BeRLin]

very nice reading johnny...did a good job catching my attention from the start and i wasn't disappointed as i kept on reading...u worded this one real nice with a lot of vocab and still managed to keep a flow going...the story was kinda played when we realize how many movies were made about that transformation thing but then again i guess i haven't read many werewolf drops...lol....loved it anyway dog...keep spittin...guess u regaining ya full strength....

[Johnny 6-feet]

Thank ya kindly people. Uppin^^

[DC aka BeRLin]

that's a definite bumb....get active people

[Johnny 6-feet]

woo-pah! *uppin*

[.:~Digital~:.]

Yo this piece was good
Creativity was nice and on point here....... cant argue with that and imagery wuz nce 2...... your vocab wuz also on point..... but your flow seemed forced in some spots and so did your rhyming.... i pointed that out in the beginnin and close to the ending..... The topic was nce though ya stayed on it the whole time....... I think if ya fixed up the flow of it or atleast what seems forced this piece would be perfect - 9/10

RTF - http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=329145

[Verb]

Mutlies: Ish was on fiya, your multies were versitle. Not to mention frequenty. Almost every bar stacked a couple. good shit. I always like a verse with mad multies, it gets your tounge moving faster, like licking on some pussy...which brings me to my next tally.

Metaphors: I didnt recognize any if there were some. I didnt catch one; which you should have thrown a few in there. Metaphors bring to life the topic, the subject, the feeling, the background, the setting... you know what i mean. When you relate two things, alike or unalike, it makes the reader familiarize your words to maybe a memory of their own. Therefore, resulting in another critic hooked on your stuff. Blah.

Flow: The flow and structure of the verse was well. Written nicely, and almost composed. Line for line, it was though I could completely understand the tone. I mean dude was attacked, it was a knarly event for him, but he seemed aware and poised about the whole concept of change. Even though his entire anatomy was bout to be altared, he seemed accepting.
The flow was alright.

Overrall: From open, to body, to closure; the flow was consistant. The portion of the bar that gives feeling & backround (the base) was very illisonal. I liked the piece, real poetic. I also like the story concept. Overrall, it was a good read.

Stay up, and dont hesitate to return feedback or vote on a battle. Thanks.

[SmokaJoka]

This was actually pretty fresh....you had a dope approach to the topic...so your creativity needs no work at all in my opinion...and to be quite honest with you nothing was bad at all excluding a few comedic parts in my opinion...emotion wasn't valid because it wasn't really there in most parts except close to the end...originality was excellent...rhymescheme was good....imagery was excellent specifically towards the end...definately a good read...I'll be sure to check out your battle in SS as well...

Rating:
8/10

ONLY because it was so short...I feel like you could've put more to the overall story

[P. Mortuus]

lol...man it is good to have you back..this whole piece gave off that old school vibe..before when everyone was trying to edge out something fresh na mean...though times have changed good stuff is always notciable. Like this, i liked how you went about this topic and moved the narrative ahead so fast, though whilst reading it i coudl picture everything smoothly and the flow was easy to pick up and mantain to. All in all a great piece, if it was longer i may have nommed it man. Stay up^.