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Thread: A Look Down My Lane

  1. #1
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    A Look Down My Lane

    A Look Down My Lane

    Green field carpet, fitted only yesterday
    an artificial reminder covering the tarmac
    Children pulling out invisible flowers
    tugging against plastic leaves;
    with sheets of faux Egyptian cotton,
    sold for $5 at the bazaar

    artificial materials surround the imperial courts
    a single kaleidoscope shapes up soporific thoughts
    calorific cuisines with the chef colorific the coloring
    she submerges with the waterfall, a machine furrowing
    the profundity of nature burrowing into our human roots
    with cards deciding fates of candidates in polished boots
    She emerges from within the waterfall, fresh anew
    baptized pure, her radiance in cotton giving off a hue
    bronze in color; contentment radiating from her shell
    charmed by the swooping seagulls, she hears the door bell


    I see the young mother walk away
    incipient nanny becomes their caretaker
    taking care of bastards born & racists bred
    Wearing white collar shirts & white suits
    they make sure they clean their white boots


    Desiccated from what time confiscated, she moves
    taking care of rich offspring, spoilt in all moods
    soothing an imminent ungrateful urchin she lunches
    on spare scraps fallen from their mouth during crunches
    of salmon seafood with gravy & bread,
    their beds made-up, their pencils with sharpened led
    she sanitizes their pristine clothing, whiter than all
    & it’s color enhanced on her skin, colored charcoal
    She glances out of the window, an invisible apartheid
    visible to its dwellers living a life serrated in a half ode


    On the other side, southwards the united lands
    A black commuter with a black suit, a black hand
    Hands him his black boots, clean & rinsed
    White cream dispersed, liquidized & vaporized
    He wears his black hat with its black band
    And I see him walk away proud in stereotypes

    Gratified with a cent, she earned crooked & bent
    an animate article used to represent, her soul lent
    to the schoolmaster, of the other neighborhood
    she returns back home, before her father returns
    an old caretaker, earning shillings for urns
    she hides the burns she had obtained in course
    of the ordeal, already fatigued she slept
    unknown to when ….
    Her father returned...Saw her burns & wept


    The traffic lights stop, the ghetto guide bopping
    His head against windowed music & the blonde
    Haired woman, with branded suits, creases her brow
    But for a moment the 2 are united in this free land
    There is the signal & the 2 part their cultures & leave
    .
    .

    .
    .
    And a lost souls navigates me across desserts of paradise
    I see beings of all color communicating & celebrating
    And for once, I can smile away my blues.

  2. #2
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: A Look Down My Lane

    Last edited by P. Mortuus; February 25th, 2007 at 01:10 PM

  3. #3
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    Re: A Look Down My Lane

    this piece was incredible, bro. the wording was just like reading a book - excellent. the creavity and flow was definitely on point. i love pieces like this, with the good vocab. its more of my style, i guess.... the amazing part, you stayed right on topic... a very emotion piece, too... the structure was good. your writing seems to always shine light on me. i plan on readin more from you soon, man.... i mean, maybe we can collab one day, and share somethin' new with RB.... im rushin' right now though, gotta change the babies diaper (my turn, lol)... the overall - dopeness and nobody could've wrote this better. i mean, shit, not even me. lol.... your very talented, yo, really. -one-

  4. #4
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: A Look Down My Lane

    Yup, thanks man.

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    Re: A Look Down My Lane

    well some wonderfull imagery effects you have here ill say that for one/////////
    emotion also was mos def packed in........
    vocab was nice and had me wide awake...........
    you had some interesting poetic word pairings and sequences...many in fact........
    so yeah all in all i say.the storyline as such diddnt exactly knock me out. but thats me looking for crazy and explicit or knowledgeble deepness all the time. but the skill level of this piece was high and the story did have its interesting parts

    so yeah was a nice write


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  6. #6
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: A Look Down My Lane

    Yup Thanks.

  7. #7
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    Re: A Look Down My Lane

    Wording made this piece a very solid and interesting piece. The flow was overly simplistic and sometimes it was so simplistic that it slowed the progression of the piece down. The transition from each stanza was cool and the content of the story was pretty good. The emotion was there, but I did like the wording of most of your stanzas. From that technical aspect it was really good. if the flow was a bit more complex, this would've been really nice, but:

    On the other side, southwards the united lands
    A black commuter with a black suit, a black hand
    Hands him his black boots, clean & rinsed
    White cream dispersed, liquidized & vaporized
    He wears his black hat with its black band
    And I see him walk away proud in stereotypes

    ^Almost read as poetry. But I like the wording and the description.
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  8. #8
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: A Look Down My Lane

    Yup that was the poetic part, the green parts are all poetry.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  9. #9
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: A Look Down My Lane

    Snap!
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  10. #10
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    Re: A Look Down My Lane

    Very poetic baron, i like how you spaced out the lyrics with descriptions and broke the story into stages. Could've kept on reading, very strong vocab but also understandable, which is difficult to get right. Strong imagery and the story moved at the right speed as well.

    Good work man, keep posting.

    p.s. could you please return the favour on 'the bank robbery'? i'm getting slept on to fuck.

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