The Joker's Dismay

[Pious]

The door slams shut…

He crumples and weeps
Yells to the darkness but
Barely mumbles his speech ‘cause
The tongue was cut from his cheek.
He’s been there for a week and
He still refuses to eat.
There’s blood on the meat and
He’s not keen on the taste of his teeth.
Feces and vomit envelop the walls.
The cracks in the concrete resemble his skull.
He’s wishing the cell were padded
He’s had it.
All he hears are his fears screaming.
His tears are pleading.
But at least they’re not staining-
‘Cause his eardrums are bleeding
All over his pleats and…
…He hasn’t shown up for work all week!

“I want to play a game.”

High stakes, he’s aces high
His wife left ‘cause he left their life
On a bluffed bet!
But it’s not that simple, yet
‘Cause divorce isn’t intercourse…
…Their son is seein’ it!
And he’s feelin’ it, not pleasure but pain
His parents are foldin’
Over a fuckin’ Hold ‘Em game!

The door creeps open…

His wife gets dragged in, unconscious and
Bleeding profusely
Starvation has set in but
He’s filled with adrenalin-induced energy
A medical kit is quickly thrown to her side
Along with a flashlight
An axe?
And the will to keep her alive…
He scrambles and hacks but
The chain on his leg refuses to crack!
He hacks and he hacks but
Nothing will work!
His wife is starting to look
Like a cherry desert!
Breathing heavily he takes off his shirt
Wraps his leg up and prepares for the worst
He hacks and he screams!
The agony is obscene but
His poker face remains.
He chops through the tibia
Only the fibia’s left…
And it knows better then to call his bet.

Diamonds, Clubs, Spades, and Hearts

His rotting flesh combined
With the putrid scent
Of vomit breath but
In the silhouette of death
He scrambles for what he has left.
His nails grind as he crawls
The floor is too rough
But the best riches of all lie
Throughout the diamond bluffs!
He stretches a sore limb
With a whim and a groan
Grasps the first-aid kit
But wait!
It’s only holding a note!

He reads feverishly before
He furiously chucks it away
“IM SORRY!!” he screams
Through the gaps in his teeth…

.
.
.
And here the King and Queen lay
To the Joker’s dismay…
The day had come where
The two make a pair,
Defeating the aces-high.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...09#post5408309
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...20#post5408320

[Engivale]

Damn. Pious, you an alias or something?

Nutso, man, this was really, really good. Out of nowhere. Like, first I checked the length and was like, "Fuck." Then I read it, and it was over way before I wanted it to be. Was so damn well written it just went like fucking fluid. Gotta look out for you, man, you know how to write and nothing else to it... this was just well done. Story was cool, gory and shit, and kind of establishes a good beginning-middle-end. 10 posts and you know how to entertain and keep a good rhythm? Impressive. Not much to tell you improvement wise or whatever, maybe later when I start wanting to critique you, but right now - just a well-done, keep it up, man, I hope noone sleeps on this. Peep my latest piece if you get time, it's on the OM page not linked in my sig, that's something else.

[Pious]

thanks alot for the quick feedback... and naw, not an alias... just been writing for a while... only reason i knew how to post this in the cool way that i did was from rapverse.com cause u can set it up to center it and shit, just figured id paste it here and see if it did the same thing... ill check out your piece tommorrow, gonna go grab some sleep, later

[Atti]

damn, this is the second new comer I've checked out today who I'm just so impressed by. the concept of this all was brilliant, very up my alley. I love very teched out/creative pieces. the formatting of it was cool; actually reminds me a ton of how I wrote when I was first getting into Om's, because of my poetic influences. the style works, but you'll find that you're going to have to meet the Om community at more of a halfway point if you really want them to accept the works your putting out as a true Om. like with the final line, it didn't rhyme with anything.. and it kind of put me out cuz I loved the final lines themselves. also, at times it felt like you were going too far with the same vowel sounds, so by 3 stanza's down you're using these really obscure words that niether really help the piece or fit into the surrounding languages. so, just watch out for that. nice job though, I liked this.

[Pious]

Thanks man Ill watch for that next time

[Pious]

Thought this would get more looks....

[Tragedian.]

you from toronto to, dopeness. This was a very, very nice piece, flow was pretty much perfect expect for in a couple spots. You could have brought more multies into play but it was good, vocab seemed like you knew exactly what you wanted and you brought it to the plate. and the way you did the topic was very creative and deffintly didnt let me down. This was more than worth the read. check out my newest "dancing with my body of tomorrow"

[Pious]

^done.......................

[Pious]

Bumpin, leave links..............

[f-gee]

hmm dunno what to make of this

This had flashes on nice ideas/couplets but the whole story was so up and down between different rhyme schemes i felt it was hard to keep a track of flow let alone plot

the 'i want to play a game' segment was cool, liked the parents folding line

worth a read but i'd try to work on the layout of your drop and incorporate some more multies and more fluent story lines to keep the reader glued

after reading this i was a little bit confudsed as to the whole cards reference, if it was a metaphor then you could do with tightening the story up
anyways stay on it

give us a reply on Dark Matter if you're after a read

[Pious]

Thanks man.. ill chek it tommorrow when im not as concussed

[-=HazE=-]

how you put the flow together
i have no idea
but the concept was amazing
and the imagry altough gruesome was cool
you're structure was pretty cool too but im not sure how it made sense with the topic or writing
you have a strong voacabulary are good words choice/usage
stay up

[Pious]

My next piece will be better.......

[Pious]

bumpin for one last time.

[Ru Pious]

... i gotta say. you had an amazing concept that went with the title. i dont even kno why this got slept on. The imagry was real well written, nice use of words that you added to the structure<=== what made it perfect, but in my opinon, i think iff you had a bit more multies you verse would be fresh. Also the flow str8 ... keep up the good science..

peep the sig