A male writing for a female point of view

[White Shadow]

not really long but more of an educational versing kinda for people to see it as u read it sad thing is it actually happens to girls more then it we realise

[White Shadow]

sitting in her room bruised and bleeding
her fathers fists replaces the pain receeding
crying herself to sleep so hard that her soul is broken
verbally abused by words that shouldnt be spoken

asking god why all this has started
why her parents have become so cold-hearted
say not but one word will make dad snap
leaving a cut on her face from that hard slap

she doesnt fight back not even a push or a shove
just tears from her eyes because she has no one to love
tormented daily wishing to be free if she could
but she knows that day wont come and it never would

always there for her friend Sally and thats because
she knew Sally was abuse in worse ways then she was

often she comes to the house with her skirt ripped at the side
after her dad stood over her beaten body watching her with pride
they promised to be there for each other threw thick and thin
forever searching for happiness they could only find within

these hardships of their lives would never end or so it seems
the eternal search for freedom but denied their dreams

[Ascend]

It's straight. The flow was okay, vocab. could've used work and the structure was decent. You had good emotion in the piece so that upped it. I didn't like the fact you had like...No internals or multies. You need to work on that. And try to astray from simple rhyme schemes with and, hand, land, sand, kind of ending rhymes. Go for two and three and four syllable end words. It's still okay to use one, I'm just sayin' try to switch it up. Overall, not too bad of a piece. Hit Crossed Lines, in my Sig.

[Penlord]

okay, you asked for help with your writing skills. Well, I'm here to provide them.

Make sure your title always goes with your story, no matter what. Now, you're talking about the FEMALE point of view, correct? But you're writing a story as if you weren't even in her body. That was the biggest problem I had with this whole thing, trust me, you had some poetism, but take a deeper look into the poet in you, and express it in a way that no other person can touch. That's the only way to complete a real written topical.

Vocabulary is no big thing if you can tell a story excellently without the use of them.

Multies are great if they make sense. go to the Topical Hall Of Fame, and read Dancing With Rotten Flesh by -Twizted- (Me).

The first opening lines will give you an example of what multies are. A series of rhyming in a short space, that make sense.

I wish you luck on your conquest to be the best known writer.

Peace.. And I hope this helped.

[White Shadow]

yo penlord mad respects for the tips imma check out that hall of fame link u told me about but hey u kno how it is ,when ur at the bottom u gotta work ur way up to the top so every bit of advice helps but thanks again bro be EZ payce

[White Shadow]

hey thanks for the tip yo i want u to check my latest drop although it lacks in lengthyness i think i did alot better then my last drops still check the link holla at me with ur thoughts
peace

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...91#post5345291

[XM]

decent i see you've got'n better then what you've started with, i thought you would have progressed alot more by now but that isn't the case the case is that you've progressed, and that's wassup your elevation is coming along nicely story realy didn't fit the title but the flow was good and better then i expected, work on your vocabulary its a downfall in your writing but ya kno good work an props