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Thread: Behind the iron sheet

  1. #1
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Behind the iron sheet




    Take me home, to the place I belong…
    West Virginia


    Sopping with sweat, stopping to rest, flopping in a mess
    Beside her guest, Little Lucy takes an unsighted guess
    ‘We’ve only got another five miles to travel, is that alright?’
    Said Lucy hoping she wouldn’t have to sleep here tonight
    ‘To be honest I’m dead beat, I can’t work another stride
    ‘I’ve been walking for a week, throughout day and night’
    The wind beats the trees, whipping the sodden bark
    The clouds shield the moon, this summers night is dark
    A lightening spark appears on the horizon, Little Lucy cries
    Unaware that her ‘guest’ is behind her, with malice in her eyes
    Her practiced disguise, has worked, tonight….Lucy dies
    That is the plan, so as the wood pigeon flies
    Little Lucy is captured, flung into an awaiting truck
    ‘Don’t just sit there gawking, drive you stupid fuck’
    Little Lucy, knows that she has ran out of luck
    Her broken heart, leaves a void in her soul

    Her heart coils, as she rolls, in the back of the truck
    Her mother will think she’s running amuck
    The truck’s backing up, reversing at high speed
    She bruises her knee, and grits her teeth tightly
    ‘Ok, get her out, bring her to the torturing room
    And don’t dare leave, until she rots in her tomb’

    I am masked, my oppressor slapped my face when I spat
    ‘Your mask is made of iron, you aren’t biting through that’
    I struggle, but I’m trodden to the ground, stomped in the face
    My hearts pumps in a race, as my shoes are unlaced

    ‘I have been raped, I am no longer scared of dying’
    She shouts to the world, and she is not lying
    ‘I am a shell of who I used to be, I lay in defeat
    Waiting patiently to die, behind the iron sheet’

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  2. #2
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Last edited by Witty; September 7th, 2006 at 04:56 PM

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  3. #3
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! mc pyro.'s Avatar
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    great peice right here topic was very creative in fact i dont belive ive seen anything similar what so ever the metas in here were crazy so many and all of them were great and fit the peice well the flow was also excellent to me it seemed like it came along and at the end of each line it paused i thought that was cool the imagery was pure illastration it was like seeing pictures through words very vividly and the rhyme scheme was full of multis which i enjoyed great job on this
    leave feed on the om in my sig
    hit up these om's wit some feed

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  5. #5
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    thanks.

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  6. #6
    . . . Tragedian.'s Avatar
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    nice drop right here witness...really did catch my eye..but ive seen better it seems u didnt try as hard as u couldve..flow was pretty nice off in a couple of lines...but still was nice...multies were there and were real nice...vocab was alright kinda simple...but pretty good...creaitve drop i must say...i dont see this done much and u wrote really nice to the pic...your deffintly someone i would like to have helping me elevate in topical...good luck in next season of SS...hit my new drop high school please...and maybe some tips to elevate wouldnt be so bad lol...peace man good job..
    Empire

  7. #7
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    this was set from start to finish. did strong and finished strong. caught my eye from the beginning!..really fresh the concept n this was somewhat original and the metaphors executed were nicely put and made!. liked your emotion and detail in storyline very adequate and percise!.

    Her heart coils, as she rolls, in the back of the truck
    Her mother will think she’s running amuck
    The truck’s backing up, reversing at high speed
    She bruises her knee, and grits her teeth tightly
    ‘Ok, get her out, bring her to the torturing room
    And don’t dare leave, until she rots in her tomb’

    ^^
    short paragraph. ALOT of feeling inplamented though..very casual and clean!.

    nice writing my dude loved how you worded your structure that complimented it very well in emotion and content in flow!.

    RTF on the links in my sig if so pls.
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    yeah deleted.......

    i dont like it really. i was just replying b4 coz u did to mine.lol
    Last edited by The Vortex; September 10th, 2006 at 04:52 PM
    .................................................. ......................

  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    this was an interesting piece...I liked how the poetic vibe gave this a good feel to it and it started off quite good to. I liked the overall sotryline/concept of this piece to. however, there was something missing in this. Maybe a word or 2 was missing but i know you wrote this for the TNL battle and will therefore keep my critique to a low just so that they cannot be reproduced by somebody who votes against you.
    Wouldn't mind a few comments on this piece, not much, a few will do:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=309053

  10. #10
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Don Gorgon
    yeah deleted.......

    i dont like it really. i was just replying b4 coz u did to mine.lol
    wow, just becuase I said I didn't like your peice of shit diss. lol you really are a fucking asshole, and you don't deserve to be looked upon as even a mediocre writer with an attitude like that...you will always stay on the level you are on...because you aren't good enough to elevate any higher. I actually came into this thread knowing that you would have deleted your postitive feed back...which is sad, so suck a dick and die fag.

    Oh and thanks for the feed Seti, I'll get to that link ASAP

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  11. #11
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    bleh.upping

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  12. #12
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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