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Thread: Inspiration

  1. August 14th, 2006, 08:34 PM #1
    Tragedian.
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    Inspiration

    Inspiration
    I used to thug…I was the biggest ass on the street…
    Thinking im king cos ive never been beat….
    Walk right onto the bus and push kids outta there seat..
    Sure it sounds sweet…U name it I did it…used to rob kids 24/7….
    I even had people in churches telling me I aint goin to heaven…
    At 6 years old I tougher than grade sevens…
    Noone could stop me….everyone tried…
    If any kid ever got in my way..i would make sure he cried…
    Scare kids I tried..i was sucha damn bully…
    But know I have gotten mature…and im stopping fully…
    Everyone tried to stop my ways…but noone succeeded
    At one time my whole family pleaded…
    I was getting kicked outta every school for the way I was…
    When I got high…I would kill someone for ruining my buzz…
    I did shit no other kid does…..but then I fell in love…
    With the most perfect girl. You could ever speak of…
    Anything I thought of….she was above…
    She hates the way I thug…and I knew it to…
    Tryna act way to hard almost blew my shot to..
    But honestly I didn’t care…I thought thuggin ment more..
    Till last night when we talked…like we have never before..
    she got me to realize bein hard aint shit…
    so I finally grew up…and said this thug act…I quit!
    Sabrina. was my Inspiration to the choice that I made…
    And now we will be happy together till our very last days.

    I love you for ever and always


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    Last edited by Tragedian.; August 14th, 2006 at 08:42 PM
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  2. August 14th, 2006, 08:37 PM #2
    Vylint
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    The content was all you really had going for this peice, honestly. I'm not trying to be an ass but your flow was off and on throughout the whole peice, not to mention your word choice was bad and structure was horrible. I'm not tryin to hate, but content wise it was good...


    4/10
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  3. August 15th, 2006, 12:35 AM #3
    Tragedian.
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    uppin some feed..i hit up your drop...
    leave links.
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  4. August 15th, 2006, 12:58 AM #4
    Omega.
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    your flow was etchy and EVERY WHERE man was real messy but your some what witty and iight lines of content were the only koo part in this....you fell off at the most man.

    But honestly I didn’t care…I thought thuggin ment more..
    Till last night when we talked…like we have never before..
    she got me to realize bein hard aint shit…
    so I finally grew up…and said this thug act…I quit!
    Sabrina. was my Inspiration to the choice that I made…
    And now we will be happy together till our very last days.
    ^^
    honestly i think these lines were koo somewhat emotional but thats it .

    no hate.
    RTF. on the picture perfect link in my sig
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  5. August 15th, 2006, 06:23 AM #5
    menolin
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    pretty simple overall but your only 14, im not saying you aint smart its just it takes a bit of time. seemed pretty personal, your flow was off in places, you could work on your wording.

    you just need to keep trying and elevating

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305539
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  6. August 15th, 2006, 02:11 PM #6
    Tragedian.
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    thanks ppl but some text on how to elevate wouldnt be bad lol
    upp...
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  7. August 15th, 2006, 02:21 PM #7
    Ble§§yn
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    this was blah, boring topic....boring storyline, that school yard bully shit is played now even though you were tryna tell a story about urself it was still boring, predictable and simple....oh and ya flow was garbage too, u werent even tryna flow....u were jus forcing it too & it wasnt working, needs help....

    5 outta 10
    keep writin...
    Psychological Horing


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  8. August 15th, 2006, 02:28 PM #8
    The Vortex
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    STARTS OFF WITH BASIC RHYMES. WHICH WORK IN SOME ASPECTS BUT AINT ALL THE EXCITING YA FIGADEAL ME?.

    oops cut the caps



    then sum ish went nice tho f'sho

    Sure it sounds sweet…U name it I did it…used to rob kids 24/7….
    I even had people in churches telling me I aint goin to heaven…
    At 6 years old I tougher than grade sevens…

    apart from the last line which went off flow. and was missing a word or 2. like an adjective or verb or some shit.............


    had some emotion in there. cudda been more. cudda added sum visual imagery. some special effects ya nah mean.... to liift the piece. flowed ok.could be sharpened. and wording needa be fixed a lil...... rhymes could be elevated mo too............

    all in all was decent. stopped short of the mark tho. and should of revealed a bit more of a storyline in this case
    decent joint. stay poppin
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  9. August 15th, 2006, 02:29 PM #9
    The Vortex
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    AND take a look at this and comment. its not my usual flow. then again i dont truly have a usual flow. its 1

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304790
    .................................................. ......................
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  10. August 15th, 2006, 10:09 PM #10
    Tragedian.
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  11. August 15th, 2006, 10:26 PM #11
    Loveless
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    alright babe ive been where you are when i first started writing
    to correct the the lines that sound like they arent fluent i had to actually write my lnes down in bars and made sure the syllables matched up and then i began to understand multi's ya know i made effort to rhyme with every word possible between each line
    and it really helped i dont know if this was just your unique flow or jus a newb but anyway try it and see how it goes much luv
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  12. August 16th, 2006, 12:11 AM #12
    ASI.
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    not really feellin it overall to be honest iight but...sorry dog just keep elevatin!

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    Audio is Great.
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    KarosiveissosickKarosiveissosickKarosiveissosick

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    Yea your a vet and all with your 123,000 posts but um really....


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    Songs



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  13. August 16th, 2006, 12:17 AM #13
    P. Mortuus
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    Aight this was aight basic stuff, my man advice on this owuld be to stop the narrative sotryright if your gonna do a love write up...describethe girl praise her beauty and be intense with you description
    Stuf like describe her,
    " The fragrance of my beloved is more fragrant than a 1000 roses
    She is uniqueness in a shell, a beauty with no need for worldy poses"

    ^Stuff like that though i only spen couple of seconds coming up with it once you spend a good 40 minutes you will have createdan impressive piece...also after that move onto other topics as well, versatility is a virtue for writers lol.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
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  14. August 16th, 2006, 01:52 AM #14
    OnKor
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    I didn't really like this. It had a simple structure and seemed pretty mainstream. You had a pretty good topic and some ok flow, but that was about it. Try to add more complexity (such as multis, wordplay, similes & metaphors) and keep elevating man.

    5/10

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