with open wounds and little tombs

[Loveless]

with open wounds and little tombs
ms suzie screwed philips flat-head til the bolts broke loose
with wishful thinkin baby hopin ma's cord becomes noose
cuz dr pro-choice makes her cold by pushin steel scopes in her womb
erasin family portraits and ultrasounds all the fruit from the loom
adulterous child i couldn't walk a mile in her shoes
considered filthy& vile guilty of murderin her child
commiting homocide when blacks are in the low percentile
unproud so she vowed never say this aloud
instead of then and not now she wouldnt let it go down
as we cried i said smile even though it hurt for a while
jesus forgives so forget , know how to handle it now
listen to yourself when it time to put the rubber on
and if not be prepared to bring life
listen to ya self when its time to put the rubber on
and if not be prepared to bring life
peace

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=305021

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304826

[Jon]

Hmmm.. Ok, you oviously haven't been here long. You need to use propper grammer. It really does help the reader, not trying to be a dick. The only quality that could matter at all that you did partially have was multies. You liked to repeat the same word over and over again, and in a small piece like this, it gets repetitive. I think with some learning you could have the potential of someone like Leximus or something. Good luck with your writing man, keep it up, I know if you set your mind to it and work at it you'll elevate.

Sorry for the short feed, but I'm out of time.