User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 15 of 15

Thread: Penny for my Thoughts

  1. #1
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    35
    Posts
    20,486
    Battle Record
    37-7
    Awards Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF PS Season champ SS HW Champion 25+ Wins

    Penny for my Thoughts: Dyl & Pakaveli

    Penny for my Thoughts

    Dyl- Verse 1 & 2
    Pakaveli- Verse 3 & 4



    Desperation burns in Mary's eyes, as she lets go of an unheard cry
    She sits on a cobbled street hungry, with a mouth hot and dry
    Black pawed hands and scars from a lifetime of poverty
    Passers by ignore her broken cries due to their idiocy
    "Throw a penny to the beggar”, as she sits in a corner half dead
    Day after day slowly fading away, her life is left on a thin thread
    Every day half a dollar that constitutes her annual salary,
    Perhaps enough to buy a grain of rice and put on half a calorie,
    Soon a walking skeleton will be created and slowly evaporated
    And her painful journey of hope will come to an end and slated
    Her poor soul destroyed and no one to pick up the pieces
    As her body rots on a side alley from numerous amount of diseases


    Everybody needs somebody to lean on.......

    Ruthless people beat her and steal all the money she has left
    Leave her black and blue, and have her staring in the eyes of death
    She dies with unwanted thoughts as they now fly through her head
    Watching her kids die from starvation, wishing god would take her instead
    Burying them in a farmers field with a handmade cross and their names
    She cried like a weeping widow as she could not hide the shame,
    Of not being able to give her children the complete benefits of life
    They had not one penny in their pockets to help them stay alive
    But who was there to help her, with the nasty up hill struggle?
    Who was there when her children died, to comfort her troubles?
    Nobody, as she is left in peace and never to be found
    Where her body fades ever deeper into the warm soft ground


    Help The Unfortunate....

    Withered water stones provide water to the neglected needy
    Gangling appearance of shackling bones & eyes all beady
    The lime scale clouds enter the pitiful throngs of thirsty throats
    Whilst the wealthy pour wealth, buy properties and greedily gloat
    The negligence of a few resulted in the majority impoverished state
    The immortal unseen apartheid represents the modern segregate
    Animate the motion image of a child whose belly is filled with pain
    Captured images made to entertain the incipient masses who attain
    The fruit to quench their thirst, whilst the children of the land go bland
    Grand jury convicts them of becoming a black blot on the clean stand
    Walk away hand in hand from the crime scene, please empathize
    Realise that whom you ignore are the result of the materialistic lies


    “Don’t change the world, change your views”

    Peace in the world is only possible by having peace in the streets
    Bodily heat is the method of warmth, penny for the poor is a big feat
    The snow sheets the grit blanketed pavements and chills their bones
    They watch through rags whilst the pious policeman drags the clones
    Carbon images of each other in our eyes they are the one the same
    Lame and pathetic wanted us to sympathise for their personal gain
    So we deplore the poor ignore their chores to stay alive everyday
    “Hey Mom there’s a poor man” “John forget it, don’t look that way”
    Last edited by P. Mortuus; August 9th, 2006 at 04:02 PM

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Dyl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Dublin, Ireland
    Age
    33
    Posts
    4,719
    Battle Record
    30-11
    Awards 25+ Wins
    Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper?
    On his way down past each floor,he kept saying to reassure himself
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....

    But how you fall doesn't matter
    Its how you land

  3. #3
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    35
    Posts
    20,486
    Battle Record
    37-7
    Awards Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF PS Season champ SS HW Champion 25+ Wins

  4. #4
    dreadedfistofthenorthwest
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Elympia
    Age
    33
    Posts
    2,713
    Battle Record
    14-6
    this was really good. i liked both writers on this. and it made for a beautiful collab.

    Dyl - you came really well on this. the description was used perfectly, i had the whole story completely mapped in my dome piece. the rhymescheme although simple, fit the pieces emotion an sympthetic views. the flow was on point for both parts. i liked the picture an the vibes you were able to feed from its portrait. overall i really liked your part, out of ten i would give you around a 9-9.5 ish. there only minor flaws in this, that my eye had trouble pickin out. but i still loved it.

    Pak - you cease to amaze me ahaha. the emotion you put forth and the message was simply beautiful..the rhymescheme also simple, again, was very tight due to the emotion put in this. the overall structure for both pieces were even and kept straight consistently. the flow was tight i think it could have been worked with a little bit. but for a topic like this it was kept on point. the vocabulary was perfect, it wasnt overused with big descriptive detailing words that make it hard for the reader to follow but it was still really good. overeall out of ten again same with Dyl, i will give you around a 9 to a 9.5 area.

    really good piece here both of you. overall collab was extremely tight. the topic was well thought out and then executed well. overall out of 10 for the collab, around a 9.5 to a ten.

    -Peace
    The R.
    -The Illest Ever Kid-

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    3,288
    Battle Record
    28-5
    yea sum nice flow ideas starting off with dyl. just maybe a syllable or 2 out on acouple of lines. certain minor ish. but came thru strong still. and talking that sense that a lotta people Don't do. so that's 1......yeah flow goes strong and fluently is the imagery grafted as the tale flips. .some rhymes could of been a lil more adventurous in the crafting . but others was coo still on the 1 and vocab seemed to be used well. and had plenty of forward movement...


    on the pak ish. was delivered well. i see yo flow gettin titer each time u drop. so keep that up. coz ish b working out nice. always u jump in to deal with a few deep thoiughts........... rhymes seemed a lil simpliofied. even predictable in the 2nd lil joint.
    tho inside the lines was good. ending. was lil uhm! almost cool. but something misguiding going on


    was a tite drop still. i diddnt know dyl cud drop like that.
    .
    check out this when u got time

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304790
    .................................................. ......................

  6. #6
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    35
    Posts
    20,486
    Battle Record
    37-7
    Awards Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF PS Season champ SS HW Champion 25+ Wins
    Appreciate both comments thanks, ayo vortex i checked ya linkage na mean

  7. #7
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    35
    Posts
    20,486
    Battle Record
    37-7
    Awards Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF PS Season champ SS HW Champion 25+ Wins
    ^^^
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Dyl's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Dublin, Ireland
    Age
    33
    Posts
    4,719
    Battle Record
    30-11
    Awards 25+ Wins
    Thank you for commemts people.Vortex i'll hit that link up later
    Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper?
    On his way down past each floor,he kept saying to reassure himself
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....

    But how you fall doesn't matter
    Its how you land

  9. #9
    I'm Twisted. FanQ.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Age
    34
    Posts
    764
    Battle Record
    1-0
    DYL- Ok. From your part, it was ok, I'm sorry but it didn't really grasp me as a reader. Your imagination was there, very well discriptive, not fully though, I see what your saying though, The emotion was very much powerfull you shut it down in that category, but its your approach that made me lose interest in your piece and your wording, it seem so basic, "She cries like a weeping widow", thats a ok metaphor its just didn't appeal to me that very Much, Its the word choices in your parts thats' losing it interest, (in my opinion) as a reader. Ok drop By DYL kinda disappointed though.


    Pak- Ok. This was a nice drop in your part, I like your word usage, the imagination was coo, the flow was readable, it felt so intense in your part that really brung this collab out its best features. The emotion was there, you did a good job with that, almost complex but it got through, Nice job on your part.


    Conclusion- This was collab was good, need a few here and theres adjust ya know but this collab turn out to be good. Great Job guys, keep writing.
    It's my own space, my own time, when I'm just out there letting my thoughts go. It's part of my day like eating, and it's one of my favorite parts.

    Louise Kent


  10. #10
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    35
    Posts
    20,486
    Battle Record
    37-7
    Awards Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF PS Season champ SS HW Champion 25+ Wins
    thanks appreciate the comments.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  11. #11
    The Notorious E.N.G. Engivale's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Knoxville, Tennessee.
    Age
    38
    Posts
    5,350
    Battle Record
    1-0
    Awards WOP Champion
    Good piece, guys, I enjoyed how you guys collabed this and decided on a topic and really developed it. I've read a lot about helping the poor, mind you, and this really is not much different or over the top, but it is still solid. pak, I liked the flow of yours a little bet better than the way Dyl approached his verse, but honestly, I think a few internal rhyme schemes could really have helped this piece to flourish, but it left as an all-too simple ABAB throughout and pretty much never gets inventive as far as the rhymescheme goes, but you do manage to keep your syllable counts even enough consistently to deliver this piece in a rhythmic manner.

    I, of course, am a stickler for internals and use them to the point of incredible excess in my own pieces, so knowing you could care less for them, you probably could just as soon disregard my wanting you to use them. LoL. I just think they make lyrics sound so much better and more fluid. Pieces like this tend to take on more of a poetry feel, rather than being able to sing out loud as a song.

    The topic was well presented by you both, I did enjoy the emotion you conveyed about the mother who had to bury her children because she didn't have the money to feed them. This is good work, a solid collab, I just am not prepared to call it "Fire."

    I rarely really love much of anything, though, even from you Pak, and I think you're one of the better writers on this site. Keep on bringin' em, and I implore you to try and change your language to incorporate a more fluid scheme for your next OM, I really wanna see how you would approach a style of writing more like mine. Maybe I'll keep my next one really simple on the rhymes and just tell a story? I have written a book, you know, I don't just write lyrics. I'm capable of some metaphors =D.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."


  12. #12
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    35
    Posts
    20,486
    Battle Record
    37-7
    Awards Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF PS Season champ SS HW Champion 25+ Wins
    Lol, appreciate your comments and yeah i'll write my next one with more multiples/inners and all..Thanks for the pointers, it's appreciated.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  13. #13
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    35
    Posts
    20,486
    Battle Record
    37-7
    Awards Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF PS Season champ SS HW Champion 25+ Wins
    ^^^
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  14. #14
    that was deep kid i really like ur style

  15. #15
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    35
    Posts
    20,486
    Battle Record
    37-7
    Awards Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF PS Season champ SS HW Champion 25+ Wins
    there were 2 people in thi =/
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

Similar Threads

  1. A Penny For Your Thoughts
    By Sandy in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: June 9th, 2011, 05:05 AM
  2. if i had a penny
    By unadored in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: March 30th, 2011, 09:03 AM
  3. Penny For Your Thoughts
    By Ebolorama in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: December 5th, 2008, 01:05 AM
  4. Penny for Ur Thoughts Part 1 (the Question)
    By Na~Ledge in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: March 23rd, 2005, 10:31 AM
  5. A Faceless Penny
    By Mesmerize in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: December 27th, 2004, 02:27 AM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •