The Passionate Sin

[Fatal.]

The families all around gathered at the church
Beloved compulsion of jesus and the priests
Thinking of when Jesus died makes the feel hurt
It causes them to bow down and pray on knee
And give their blood to thee, it was slightly strange
Knowing that their love would never change
The priests that did the masses were sick of it
So they made a decision to give up and quit
The people that went were furosious and debated
They all turned crazy and the priest were now hated
But jesus remained in the church on the wall
But they didn't care about the priests nolonger
Only the jesus statue was their thoughts and all
The priests despised these people, they turned evil
They had thoughts in their mind of burning the steeple
Killing the people, burning the cross and the statue
This was their choice, they really didn't have to
So later that week all the people gathered once again
The priests arrived and their belief in jesus was all bent
They climbed up the church let a match and let it catch
It started burning, flames growing, rising it was trash
Hours later it was burnt to a chrisp, only remainings were ash

This was the passionate sin of the priests, that was horrific
People despised the priests........................................... .
..............They had them tortured and burned to a chrisp

Exactly like the people and the church......

The End.

[Fatal.]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...33#post4810833
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post4810853

[Fatal.]

up.

[Fatal.]

last up.

[Engivale]

I'm not so sure about this one. It's okay, but I feel like you didn't really tell the story that I think you wanted to. I don't know who the priests are or why they just quit their jobs and turned evil, or what the problem the people have, or why they're burning the church... No motivaton behind the characters that I can see aside from something about Jesus... it's vague.

Structurally this is alright, you switch your rhymeschemes though from ABAB to AABB a couple times and that will a lot of times really damage the rhythm, and it did so here. I think some of the lines were okay, but they lacked internal rhyme scheme to a degree, though some were better than others. I suppose as far as flow goes, my favorite part of this is:

The priests despised these people, they turned evil
They had thoughts in their mind of burning the steeple
Killing the people, burning the cross and the statue
This was their choice, they really didn't have to

That is pretty sound writing, I think it's the strongest part of this verse, but still, there is some work to be done I think before your next OM. Also, maybe go a little longer to help tell your story.

RTF on my most recent piece linked in my sig plz if can.

[Omega.]

But jesus remained in the church on the wall
But they didn't care about the priests nolonger
Only the jesus statue was their thoughts and all
The priests despised these people, they turned evil
They had thoughts in their mind of burning the steeple
Killing the people, burning the cross and the statue
This was their choice, they really didn't have to
So later that week all the people gathered once again
The priests arrived and their belief in jesus was all bent
They climbed up the church let a match and let it catch
It started burning, flames growing, rising it was trash
Hours later it was burnt to a chrisp, only remainings were ash

This was the passionate sin of the priests, that was horrific
People despised the priests........................................... .
..............They had them tortured and burned to a chrisp
^^
thats all that was really quotable...i mean you did good but i mean it wasnt no AWW shit but some nice shit...i felt you could have done way better in wording and word choice aswell and also your vocab and emotoin could have been way way stronger...but alll together this was a nice piece and see alot of great potential!.

RTF on Picture Perfect in my sig

[Fatal.]

thanks guys. the feed is very appreciated. i'll get to those links later on today. uppin for more.

[Endeva.]

well... i wasnt reallytaken by this piece, religious things arent really my thing, also you came with quite a simple approach, especially the first half, the actual story telling wasnt bad, you kept it going throughout, but id have liked to see a bit more complexity thrown in, i know people always say that, but theyre just noobs with nothing to say, whereas i mean it, and i dont mean 'bigger words' so to speak, just more excitement... anyways thats my 2 cents... pz

[Fatal.]

uppin for more feed.

[J.J]

it was aight, as Dev said im not a big fan on religious pieces but it was still not bad so dont take this the wrong way. it all flowed together pretty well, some parts were a LIL off but not much. rhyme scheme was ok but it also confused me at times. your vocab was pretty good too so just keep it up.

[FanQ.]

This was Ok, I felt you had some force Lines here and there and that lost interest in your versre, but anyway, your Imaginary was descriptive, but in a basic way. The creativity of this piece was Ok, Almost predictable. The flow was coo, kinda stumble at some parts, the rhyme scheme you used ABAB was coo, I liked it, but you didn't master it, meaning make it that very Much effective casue of your word choices. Overall this was Ok, work needs to be done on this. Oh and the Emotion was coo, Well really there wasn't, I didn't feel the priest pain, you've express about the people, but really didn't express it fully in your words. Peace

[Ble§§yn]

decent storyline, could of been more developed...the plot wasnt that exclusive but it did give the story life, some of the words brought the flow off...and the structure also, better wording and longer lines would have made this more interesting, interest level wasnt as high as it should be, what drew me to your OM was the title....i thought it'd be something crazy, something unusal but it wasnt....and that just brought my mood about it down, other than that decent story, i'd give it a 6.5

keep droppin....