Immense rage, as they engaged on that suspensful and vengeful day
smoke filled the air, so the blue sky s'now gray, even the sinful pray
gentle play, has now transformed to the fight for rights
despite the night, war eyes, make the sites seem bright
with delite to fight, and chances they wont greet thier wives
the heat from fire, and weapons that would delete thier lives
receivin' vibes, bad and good, as people take their souls
the defensless kno, some confused with death, as they try to wake their foes
race for blows, the gates are closed, and the entrance cant be breached
scared to speak, even the strong must go on, but they to are farely weak
the kids rarely peek, the adults know they are scared to death
gasp for breath, as the kids cry , scared to see open flesh
the old are blessed, as they stand by, but dont see reason for war
leavin' the poor, bloody, and know they jus fightin' to even the score
bloody and gore, fightin for wat?, nothin' at all
as the enemy comes closer, their rushin' the wall
fists up for the brawl, worth is lost, rings are like sandles to wives
seein' the signs, all this becuz the gods had to mishandle thier lives
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) but you really did a good job on it in my mind... you really have grown as a topical head i believe... although, at times it seemed to me that you didnt plan the story out well enough 
but it still turned out ok... you almost seemed to go over the top with it and put an extra twist on it... the emotion was good in the piece aswell, along with the multis that i was pressuring on you... you did a good job with both of yours... the flow was good, although the structure was a lil off near the end but w/e i dont care about that... good message to it, and i liked how you didnt explain the war itself, but the effects of the war onto the innocent like the children and the wives... that was quite amazing to me... now wut we really have to work on is your vocab, bcuz it still isnt up 2 par quite yet... soon though, i'd say the best way 2 do that is read others and use thesaurus' and shit..
Originally Posted by NYisBack
