16 Lines
House Rules
Blind Spit
Due Tommorow at Midnight
200 to vote
Topic : Frosted Glass
g/l, this is my check
Exact
Fiyashawty
16 Lines
House Rules
Blind Spit
Due Tommorow at Midnight
200 to vote
Topic : Frosted Glass
g/l, this is my check
Check.
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Frosted Glass
Scantily served, a delicacy of sappy pine trees,
Oaks play dirty as jealousy devils the needles,
Zoological bliss meets a snow rabbit on his knees,
I serve with rackets for a game of singles,
I am by myself. I kiss a pane. Pain kisses me.
The pane is silhouette stricken of luscious lips,
Advances towards the better puzzles thee,
Hymns tickle harpsichords, the organs sway hips,
They sway hips of a broken wine bottle romance,
Nether combustions of nuns proposing these
Bountiful perspirations on your neck of rants,
Mellowing kinetics perform YOUR slow tease,
I cry. Winter is here. He is in my room. Under the covers –
the same earlobe of the generation is back to writhe,
Solemnly, suddenly he ALWAYS tears apart summer lovers,
Too late. I have already died. December this
IS A DAY SHY.
There was no presence of forewarning on that unforseen morning
That the defenses of my heart would withdraw into mourning
As they wrenched him to omission for his depraved dereliction
His act of unintended homicide had clenched him a conviction
On the first visitation I beheld his tear-born eyes
Gave a kiss of consolation, frosting glass that would divide
That loathsome pane of separation was our spring of devastation
Entire longing for caressing, but it offered no negotiation
Every decisive shard incised my heart with unmarred precision
While the subtle inch of crystal ruptured, instigating scorned revision
Amidst one such reunion he gravely voiced his condemnation
His blood destined remuneration, this my final visitation
I coveted a parting contact, greeted by the barricade
So once again I fogged the portal, conveyed my love left there to fade
The glass decayed into remainders of the suffering of affection
And now I'm bound to pain of livinglife excluded from connection
Edit!Originally Posted by Exact
this was a good battle both came well written and structured...
ok
fiya- you had a nice vocab and delivery. but i felt your emotion did not really keep up well and really did not catch my attention.
EX-you came really almost flawless i mean you had some blank areas but stil was nicely read. your emotino and vocabulary really came out and just stood out through the whole verse.
V/ EX.
Thanks. Upping #1.
Exact- I'm not to pleased with your verse, and NO it's not your rhyme-scheme. Alot of people try to do what you do and ending up not connecting the lines right and forcing thier rhymes.Overall, this was short and a good verse. The character emotion in you're verse was very good, you've showed it with words. The transation, was very good. You're vocabulary was on point. The imaginary, was good and you've detailed/portrait emotion in a good way. This wasn't very complex, very Much straight to the point. Overall, Nice verse.
Fiya- Who is Silent? Emotion, there was plenty and No I'm D/R'ing. Anyway this was a cool verse. Readable/flow was decent. Nice vocabulary. The concept was ok, I felt you could've thought up some creative shit than this. You're approached, I felt it was in a order of "Opener/background Info, Cause and then the effect". I don't know it just felt that way. The Imaginary was cool, you had couple of metaphors going there. Good wording. Overall Good verse.
V/ Exact. I felt he came more harder with his emotion along with his wording. His piece felt moe interesting to me. Overall good match. Peace.
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Upping # 2.
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Upping # 3.
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Upping # 4
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Up #5. Please vote people, c'mon.
In case anybody can't tell, mines about a woman visiting her husband in jail
oh and upping
Which makes it worse...
do you even do topicals?
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