Water in the hour glass.

[Atti]

This was a cool piece, despite my utter hate for long lines, it was still a great read. I know you've been hanging around the SS guys and shit alot and it really shows in this piece. It's very apparent the influence that Bounce has left on you, because this entire set up was very his style. To me you're really a sponge, you read styles you like and you mimic them almost to a tee, it's a good thing though. I used to do the same, once you start coming into your own more so you have alot of different elements and techniques built up to choose from. Overall, piece had strong emotion and metaphores, creative concept to being with... And actually had a cool storyline aswell. Nice job man, you're getting better and better with every piece.

Go check out my newest poem, These Pseudo Wings of Dov's

[Misunderstood™]

This was a rather long piece. I read it through a few times, and I must say it was worth it.
Had great emotion and flow in it. Keep it up bro.
Return the favor on "One Kiss"
1

[IL Duce]

Ok bro this was a very good piece overall but it was not your best piece.As we both know this was a hard topic and I feel you did a good job in presenting it.Well you always do.I liked the way you were very creative,it really stood out to me but as Myself said some lines were just too long and streched.I thought you had a very good storyline and displayed it very well with good emotion but could have re-worded bits here and there,but no doubt it was a great verse and I know as always you will be back again with a kick ass verse.

-Dyl

[Witty]

well mate you've impressed me once again,why can't you drop something wack so I can criticize you? lol j/p but yea this was a very good peice,the style you went for here was different from all the other peices I have ever seen from you,it was like something I would read from Bounce or Camarac.....which is definitely not a bad thing,I am going to have to disagree with Dyl,I think this IS one of the best peices I have ever read from you,it was very good and impressed me a lot. Your storyline was extremely well thought of,writing about Virginia and her troubles was something I don't think anybody else on this board would have thought of,and I think the storyline is what made this peice better than most of the rest of the peices you have written so far. Your concepts were very good and I liked how you set every stanza up with a bolded subtitle,it added to the atmosphere of this peice a lot,and made it a lot more interesting. Your emotion was as usual very good in this peice, you desrcibed everything that Virginia was feeling extremely well and with precise detail an example of this was in the first stanza when you ssaid that she cried in to the hour glass,this set up the rest of the poem very well and made it a very interesting read.You made the reader want to know what was going to happen next,which is a very important factor in any peice you drop. I am going to comment on the flow,I know that flow isn't exactly very important in Poems but my only criticism is that you could have maybe reworded some patrts to make it easier to read and a lot easier on the eye.......sometimes you sued big words in places that I didn't feel really needed them. Ok let's go back to the positive side of things now lol,unoike Atticus and Dyl I actually don't think the long lines had a negative impact on this peice at all,they were not streched and they did not seem forced,and therefore did not make the peice any less enjoyable or harder to read. As you well know,I am a huge fan of your work and I read nearly every peice that you put out on this board,I have a lot of experience of your writing and you are actually the person who helped me elevate my writing and got me to where I am now (for which I am forever grateful) and I know that you will keep writing and working until you have the perfect peice. And with every peice you write I can see you getting clsoer to that goal,and I think that before too long you will reach this goal, a place in legends is not far off for you (lmao @ me on some Mystic Meg shit). As I have said this is definitely a very nice peice and I really enjoyed reading it....I could go on forver with feed on this peice,but the England match starts in fifteen minutes,and I have to go prepare lol.....keep dropping this hot shit mate,you definitely do improve with every single peice that you write,and I look forward to reading ALL of your drops after this peice,to see how far you will go....I understand why your dropped out of SS ,you had schoolwork and shit which is understandable,but I hope that you will be back for next Season so that you can out your verses up against the best writers on the site.....it will be something to see for sure,can't wait for you to rejion SS and I also can't wait for your next Peice to be posted..........I also can't wait for the the England match to start,which is very soon....I gotta go,football beckons lol

pz.

[Dat]

Really enjoyed this piece, i would first like to highlight how you unified the text with words and structure that took stabs into the readers mind;

'Testaments- yet at the same time, hints of sadness choked
A single smile- Heart rendered blind to faith, hollow emotional
Fatigue- life of struggle followed a youthful haggard writer…
Gorged upon the flesh shivered thou poisoned existence…
Celebrated literature beckoned false potencies & laughter
Strangled- Ignominy in which male society looked upon so
Scornfully of her- ridiculed her being, yet for jealously they
Should surely fall at their hands with vengeance un-sensed.'

The unquestioned emotional violence in each bolded part really dig into my eyes, and stand out most in the stanza I selected. They show a raw feel for what the character you talk about is doing, feeling, seeing and hearing - while also throwing us back in our seats and keeping the factual presence of a third person story. This to me is done by your great talent of using multiple adjectives so many times at once, and also your idea of keeping the story based on a solid thought instead of saying 'He, I, they' etc and switching the presence.
All throughout, you solidly structure each line to build towards your meaning and ideas - it's done tidily and orderly.
Most artists may struggle with that, it being such complex language and all, but you really tightened the text and made it worth reading.

As well as the style of writing being sharp and aggressive, i would say that it may not be the best for all audiences.
Some people would have struggled to take in all of the images you tried to draw in each line, and some would have given up after the first line.
Maybe an improvement of this would have been to lessen or simplify the range of your chosen vocabulary in the piece, and instead of using such colorful words - use more generally understood terms;

'ignominy' could be replaced with 'disgrace' for a random instance.

Although this would increase the chances of the less literate population liking your piece, i would not recommend it personally as it would probably take away that jagged, complex edge which places the image of the persons emotion in our heads.

I liked the story behind it - although reading it gave me the impression you were talking about a story such as George Eliot - mentioning how male society looks down on her life for who she is.
Although similar, i'm not sure what or who 'Virginia' is, so i cannot fully contemplate whether the similarities are good or bad to me - however I can say that it was well worth my time to read into it and decide for myself on whether your writing style is truly as impressive as is apparent.

The ending of the piece was quite blunt in comparison to the main bulk of the story,

'Stones filled her satin seemed coat pockets, lined with velvet-laced red…
Focus became concentrated to silver ripples of freedom long forgotten…
A smile returns to the face of a lady interrogated by misery internal- &…
Would render the hourglass smashed upon liquidized golden venom.'

The two bolded stanzas are probably my favourite in the entire piece.

The first; when a person is interrogated - they are standardly made to feel intimidated, alone, trapped. This part has such a strong addition to the end of the story, showing how the contrast of bad to good can really make you appreciate something.
Bringing a smile to her intterogated person makes me feel like the impossible has happened, like somebody just did a huge amount of good.
It really outlines the 'happy ending' (if there is even one) but even so, brings a purpose to her suffering, which can inflate the imagery you give in your poem greatly.

The second part I highlighted means a great deal when it comes to summarising your poem. She is scarred, hurt, burned by the happenings. To smash something, such as an hourglass filled with golden 'venom' has an outstandingly great metaphorical value to this fact. Golden symbolises how unique and precious the experience has been, and how it does not happen everyday to ordinary people. It strengthens how the story is relevant to her and no other person, and how she has felt it most.
Venom, simply shows us that this golden event is not a nice one, and it makes us understand instantly that she has felt a bitter feeling, one that cannot be healed.

Grand piece, well done.

[Poeta Demonio]

Wow thanks man.