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Thread: Sworn Enimies

  1. #1
    Banned Synonym's Avatar
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    Sworn Enimies

    Sworn Enimies...

    The past events up lead to these bad moments we encounter
    Think about what has happen,and never regret one hour
    of time spent in the prison,while images face a collision
    of a censored vision,lies...were never seen or mentioned
    the divine passion,of two greatly respected assasins
    except two different worded captions,but similar actions
    so similar the resembles of each other as if they were twins
    Sworn Enimies,false images,like to lie as if they were Freinds
    a potrait of the two in the rugged and corrupt ghetto
    The two were rebles,deserve the right to conduct medals
    mind cleared up like meadows,except there was no rose pedals
    the heroics seemed special,and in the empty hall remains echos
    exploding in the atomsphere,in life there held captive here
    contact with fear,life of the heavens far above the stratusphere
    plus the enimies never dreamed so big,no job or no kids
    There feeling hid deeply and they were sure to hold it
    then on saved from there fate like a rejuvenation from Moses
    he was wrong he knows it,fregrance of the deep aroma of roses
    misjudged by the oldest,converted to the coldest
    then his eye closes,and still remains a killer who poses
    a house full of roaches,and he writes in is book full of couplets
    and then is interuppted,as his Sworn Enemy approaches

    Last edited by Synonym; May 28th, 2006 at 06:35 PM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    NONCENTZ AKA WORD~PERFECT noncentz's Avatar
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    a little simple yet beautifully thought and delivered lack umph but that can be worked int his was over all a nice drop
    to love something,is to die for it ,if you do, your a martyr , but these days music is morbid, false carters ..prohet's for prophet no lie, look how our last martyr was crucified. to put it in it symplicity, you aint true...you wouldnt sacrifice a few dollars for authenticity..

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! chitown_mex11's Avatar
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    i liked this i dont think it was that simple it wasnt really complex but not too simple
    i think u threw in some good multies and the overall story was good
    good format and smooth rhyming just use some better vocab next time and you'll be straight

  5. #5
    The Notorious E.N.G. Engivale's Avatar
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    don't listen to any of the morons who say "use better vocab." What they don't understand is that you can probably more easily convey a message using simpler language, and it also will tend to sound better if you use a combination of small words rather than longer ones for your rhyme schemes. There is no reason to open up a dictionary or thesaurus when writing rap, and you have a good grasp of language, your vocabulary range was fine. That being said, I wasn't a huge fan of this, it seemed to drop off emotion wise in the middle, I don't think you really cared all that much about your subject. but not bad.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."


  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! chitown_mex11's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Engivale
    don't listen to any of the morons who say "use better vocab." What they don't understand is that you can probably more easily convey a message using simpler language, and it also will tend to sound better if you use a combination of small words rather than longer ones for your rhyme schemes. There is no reason to open up a dictionary or thesaurus when writing rap, and you have a good grasp of language, your vocabulary range was fine. That being said, I wasn't a huge fan of this, it seemed to drop off emotion wise in the middle, I don't think you really cared all that much about your subject. but not bad.
    moron?? dont talk about otherz when u know nothin about them i been into rap for yearz and i know wut im sayin and yeah his vocab range was fine but using more complex wordz makes it better because anyone can write a bullshit verse with really simple wordz

  7. #7
    Banned Synonym's Avatar
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    can you not make my OM thread a debate please,up!

  8. #8
    Banned Synonym's Avatar
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    uppin please.leave feedback

  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title! I Am Unreal.'s Avatar
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    I was checking the t.i.t forum when i saw this link...
    This was fucking dope. Not tons of imagery but it was a sexy read with great metaphorical bounds. love how you escaped the traditional style of writing 2 bars that rhyme and then using internals to captivate, you had about 10 lines rhyming off of one word. thats nice and hard to do some times. overall this was a cool read and i liked it.

    pm me to collab.
    On the wings of maybe..

  10. #10
    Banned Synonym's Avatar
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    thanx man up.

  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Donald Trump's Avatar
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    First off all its pronounced enemies...

    Second this piece was cool there was alot of emotion and structure emotion was decent throughout the whole piece vocab was childish but it was ok because it made the poem complete good job and overall i give this a 3/5

  12. #12
    Simple? *scratches head* eh... Not really. This was a strong piece man. In the begining you had some awkward wording that really fucked me up but as it went on you straightend everythign out and it resulted in a very poetically harmonized drop. The flow was pretty unique aswell, it had some creative and unpredictable touches to it which I always love to see. Uuuum ya, thats about it man, great piece. I've never seen you or your work before but I'll keep my eye out now, because this was pretty impressive. Keep up the good work.

    It'd be dope if you could return the favor on my new Om,
    In the Shadows of the Livingroom
    Thanks alot, I really apreciate it.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  13. #13
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Symbolic.'s Avatar
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    uppin 4.
    Glue - Symbolic

    soundclick.com/gluemusic

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  14. #14
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Symbolic.'s Avatar
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    last up guys.
    Glue - Symbolic

    soundclick.com/gluemusic

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  15. #15
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    meh, seemed pretty simple. Dont get me wrong, it was a greatly thought out piece, but so were Mr and Mrs Smith, and the other movies made about the same concept. Disreguarding the topic, I think you worded it out pretty nicely. Not many good words, but you kept it simple and it ended up ok. Next time, use bigger words, like, more than 3 syllabols. And DEFINATLY work on the multies, if your going to have big lines, then you want as many multies that you can fit in your verse, it keeps it going, and the reader wants more. Keep writing, I think you have great potential, and if you stick with it, you could be in the HOF. Good luck, and if you could, could you check out my piece, "Sinful Lips of Joy"?

    pz.

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