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Thread: Please Dad

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Dyl's Avatar
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    Please Dad


    Please Dad


    As soft winds sweep away the days
    I look back on life through a haze.
    Remember playgrounds, parks and friends,
    In childlike gaze that never ends.
    The laughter in a game of catch,
    Shall memory ever attach...
    To innocence in youthful eyes,
    Catching the ball to Dad's surprise.

    I recall my first bike, first wreck,
    Who picked me up, said, "What the heck?"
    Convinced me to give one more try,
    While, knees skinned, I forgot to cry.
    Just the joy knowing he was there,
    Making him proud my only care.
    There was nothing I couldn't do,
    My heart held fast that to be true.

    Though teenage years were kind of rough,
    I sure wasn't too big or tough.
    You taught me to defend what's right
    And never back down from a fight.
    So I learned the hard way to stand,
    Still, with each lump, I found your hand.
    Drawing from you an inner strength,
    And stubborn pride of equal length.

    But there the line of fate was drawn,
    As though I blinked and you were gone.
    I found myself facing the sun,
    Not man, not boy, fatherless, one.
    Eyes blinded by a void inside,
    I could not live that you had died.
    Alas finding it to be true,
    I could do nothing without you.

    Please, Dad, today just hear my call,
    I'm sorry that I dropped the ball.
    My life is wrecked, my knees are skinned,
    My emotions undisciplined.
    I can't get up although I try,
    Please don't be upset if I cry.
    Though I can't fight what I can't see,
    Please, Dad, say you're still proud of me.
    Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper?
    On his way down past each floor,he kept saying to reassure himself
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....

    But how you fall doesn't matter
    Its how you land

  2. #2
    Can't teach you my swag! D. Josey's Avatar
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    Good work on this one. It was simple, but the simplicity is what made it easy on the eyes. It had a lot of emotion, and that's what I liked about it.

  3. #3
    Parabylia
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    Holy Shit.....This Was The Best Poem I Have Read On RB. The Imagery Was Great. The Wordplay Was 100% Perfect. The Way You Worded Everything In The Beginning Didnt' Lead Me To Think You Would Finish It Just Like You Did. That Made Your Poem A Nomination For Which I Am Requesting For You. Keep Your' Work Up An Dont lose Your Creativity

    -Para

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Dyl's Avatar
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    Wow tanx alot bro.Really means a lot.Thank you so much
    Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper?
    On his way down past each floor,he kept saying to reassure himself
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....

    But how you fall doesn't matter
    Its how you land

  5. #5
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Well i quitte liked this. it had a sense of uniqueness about it...the poetic script of this inticed the creative mind many times whilst reading it. I liked the language, filled with all aspects of "great" imagery. I agree that this desrves a nom....goin there now. Keep up the good work, i really think you've improved since i read your last works. Not saying they wern't good, bbut saying this was just that bit better.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  6. #6
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    This is probably only the 3 or 4th poetic peice I've read, so I don't really leave good feed but I'll try. This was amazing, honestly. It reminds me of my dad, but he didn't die. At first I was like "wtf?" at the first two stanza's, about the third one was when I started to understand what you were saying. The last stanza was by far the best few line's I've read. You tied it up in only a few lines, what you've said the whole peice. It was nice. But, with all of this great praise, you did have some parts and actions you can improve on. The first 2-3 stanza's, I didn't feel as if you put enough emotion into them, in order for any of your peices to be extra-ordinary you'll need to have loads of emotion in every line you write. Other than that, this was a nice, enjoyable, simple piece. Oh, and just a tip for future refrence, don't try to get too complex with your writing, I think you do better when you're simple.

    I tried to give good feed.
    This was 985 characters.

    pz.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Thank you for feed

    uppin

  8. #8
    Banned
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    This one great Poem I Have Read On RB. The Imagery Was there most of the time Great. The Wordplay Was about 95% almost perfect. The Way You Worded Everything In The Beginning Didnt' Lead Me To Think You Would Finish It Just Like You Did.Dont lose Your Creativity and keep up the good work overall dope ass poem now hit up mines
    Ice on Steel.....

  9. #9
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    Nice, I loved the wordplay, the imagery was good and it's just a heart felt piece.

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