Footprints in the Sand

[Loch Loco]

This Is Dedicated to a friend who told me this story, and gave me the hope I needed to keep living
-thank you

A Desolate Beach Side View and Each Eyes Glued to Infinity
The Feet I Move are in misery but Sea Shine Soothes My Entity
The Iniquity of Life Injures Me; The Dark and Light hold Synergy
I hold my cold heart at a Pinch and Squeeze.........
..................... and watch the flaming horizon Singe the Breeze
Two Sets of Footprints Trail my Stride and My own Pails Beside...
The other set that never Fails to Hide: My Lord who Sails the Tide
Yet my Smile is Frail Disguise, and as of late I've Noticed a Change
When I wake up after a night of Pain I can't find Hova's Remains
His Footprints Erased, Or is it likely that he Abandoned his Son
When Dire Hours Begun he swept up and Managed to Run
A Phantom by Clone, Banishing me to Suffer All On My Own
To Crawl by Tides Comb......
......The further I Roam the Tougher it is to Call On My Home

I prayed to him, fell on my knees and displayed my sins
Dear Lord - we have a bond that I'm Afraid to End
And as I lay in sand, struggling against the waves again
I feel like a trees displacing limbs, further from were I've been
In dawns sweet hour when the sea leaves debris powder
Why are my foot prints the only ones I see scoured

Then a Light Illuminated the Sky creating the Greatest Divide
Out from Still Integrated Rise Descended a voice Inflating Surprise

My son I never left your side, instead in the depth of your demise
I lifted you on my shoulder and carried you every step from shore to sky
The foot prints you see aren't yours - they're mine

In Essence I Felt Him all Along, now my heart can Still and Calm
Cause when I Feel a Chill Alarm, I know he's lifting me....
.................................................. .........with his Filling Arms

[Loch Loco]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...35#post4374335
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...56#post4374356

[Loch Loco]

uppin for feed

[Daft]

haha seemed pretty good, tho some parts seemed too long when it came to the over all flow of the whole structure, multis was nice tho for sure, but sometimes seemed like u forced em too much ya feel me?... do like the fact that you took the footprints in the sand story n reworded it to a rhyme... nice...

btw... can u peep my peice Bar Wars? right on man...

[Loch Loco]

thanks.....
and I'll look at your OM when I have the time
Thats my Word

[Temp Gurl]

Pretty good the image u illustrated was good sometimes the words lost u a lil but it was still a good poem not long but a good length

[Bounce]

You done pretty well on this, imagery was strong aswell the meter of the peice due to the semi multi strings. I won't call them full on multi strings becuase you didn't really nail them down fully in a four or more line scheme. You had a hint of them there and I am sure we shall see you pull them off in the future. It;s nto an easy thing, that's for sure. I liked the peice for what it is, nice take on a topic that's been done. Your line set up needs work though, It did not fit the page well, and that tends to be irritating tot he reader. Good content, nice style and imagery. Watch your word usage thought, you killed the read for me int he first line with that flaw in there.

'each eyes'.... that just was like finger nails on a chalk board, shit hurt the opening of your verse. Just little flaws like that dependant on the importance of the passage can really hurt a peice. There were a few other spots were this was also true. Watch those things, sometimes they don't harm shit, but in that line it hurt because of the signifigance of the line. It makes you come off as forced and impacts your intent.


Other than that I can see potential in you, so I'l be looking at your future work.

[RhymeSwift]

im not crying.not crying..............good peice..................like the wordplay here.p-e-a-c-e.no-hate....................

[xPunisheRx]

Finally a talent on this site, props for the drop

flow was nice and delivery was good, nice multis and good vocab and on topic

thank your friend for the good idea and thank you for the good read pz