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Thread: A Loving Mother.

  1. #1
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    A Loving Mother.

    A Loving Mother.

    Mentally she’s exhausted, from drinking one or two shots more plenty.
    But there’s really nothing to do around the age of twenty. I’m sure any
    Surprised mother with a baby due would probably do the same things.
    As the seed of me proceeds the in the early stages of her pregnancy,
    She looks at me, wondering if one day I’ll ever amount to something.
    To my mother, maybe so, but to the father of her child I was nothing.

    As 7 birthdays pass, displacement of danger starts to vanquish to me.
    Put in this horrid basement, their anger charts beyond a tolerable degree.
    Bickering, yelling, fussing all around, the house was never unsound.
    To the ground my mother once fell, whelps and bruises often abound.
    What kind of monster is he? Is life normally this way? Do we still stay?
    Questions of worry, fearing she is harmed everyday, glad she’s still ok.


    Now I’m 21, all grown up, and moved out a couple years ago, I was 18.
    And they are now divorced, but mother has many more painful things.
    Diseases have taken over her fragile, old, but still a very strong heart.
    In her deathbed a tumor lies on her head, affecting her greatest body part.
    Because her mind kept her sane, keeping my father away from her brain.
    Explaining the remaining love, refraining for me, will never fade away.

    And bless her my mother’s poor soul, as I stand at her stone burial site.
    As I read from this writing, started at the age of four. You probably might
    Not understand how she loves, despite beatings that potentially overpowered.
    As her “man” raised his hand, she’d act happy, as if he gave her a flower.
    Her motherly love never left, it still stands within her frail and lifeless hand,
    She planned to keep me safe till death, no matter what the circum stance.


    I will get links. I kind of fell off at the end. I had writers block through the whole peice, just trying to keep writing.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  2. #2
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Artificial.Intelligence

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  3. #3
    Hm, I can see what you mean about your simple concepts to mine. This piece was ok, gaze nice description and emotion... One of the best things about it was the way you write as if the flow is naturally coming, and the more basic structuring and vocab makes it seem like we're just sitting right in your head. Only thing I didn't like is the concept though... It's been done so many times over. I'd really like to see you get into so more ground breaking and original topics.

  4. #4
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atticus
    Hm, I can see what you mean about your simple concepts to mine. This piece was ok, gaze nice description and emotion... One of the best things about it was the way you write as if the flow is naturally coming, and the more basic structuring and vocab makes it seem like we're just sitting right in your head. Only thing I didn't like is the concept though... It's been done so many times over. I'd really like to see you get into so more ground breaking and original topics.
    Thanks for the good feed.
    Yea, I kind of do just think of it, then write it.
    The hardest part of topicals I think is getting the concept, topic, and twist.
    Uppin.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  5. #5
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Jon like i said in the pm, this was nice but i didnt like how u had started talkin about how she was gettin beat and stuff by the dad or watever and then start talkin bout how nice she was, but it was okay cuz u twisted it up, your imagery was wonderful, it felt like i was in your head readin your every thought of wat was happening, you lines were so long tho but its ok and your verse was creative, vocab was also good, i like the end more than the beginning cuz of wat i was sayin b4, but everything u wrote and how u twisted it made it seem betterr and more understandable, good job keep it up.
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  6. #6
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    Had lot of emotion in this, but it's been done a lot on these boards and gets a bit old, like most people on these forums, new topics and concepts are really needed for people to be original.

    Not taking anything away from you though, was a mature OM from a 14 year old (If you are 14 that is). Keep writing, explore new topics and vocabulary and no doubt there'll be a hall of famer entry with your name on it.

  7. #7
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Terry
    Had lot of emotion in this, but it's been done a lot on these boards and gets a bit old, like most people on these forums, new topics and concepts are really needed for people to be original.

    Not taking anything away from you though, was a mature OM from a 14 year old (If you are 14 that is). Keep writing, explore new topics and vocabulary and no doubt there'll be a hall of famer entry with your name on it.
    Thanks. Yea, like i said, new topics and concepts are hard to comeby.
    uppin.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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