How could she...

[MCtrini]

How could she hurt me, really she isn't worthy,
I reached the Nile when she was thirsty,
call her rough looks earthy, cause I saw potential,
for plainess... to turn presidential,
she was born residential n' didn't know bout,
parties, rap or bout going out,
she met me somewhere, I was showing out,
and poof like magic we was going out,
a diamond in da rough, I liked her lots,
wit me compliments just wouldn't stop,
I got her esteem to the normal levels,
on her first kiss I felt her first tremble,
so vulnerable, I felt so honourable,
to wait and let fate date the consumate,
could she really be traitor and betray dis kid?
could she really be concealing a nature wicked?

How could she hurt me, when I dared to fall in love,
a piece of me left, when my heart was robbed,
that piece fragmented as da ship went under,
as I changed my M.O. of "full heart plunder",
to "borderline sprung", and "speaking in tongues",
my soul consumed wit my planned victum (victim),
dis one was me... diversifying,
my diet from fly, honeys dat lie,
in bed faster than how time flies,
I wanted a girl both hot and wise,
and since she looked wise I went anti-clockwise,
and made up time for maturing wine,
an investment made, dat seemed to pay off,
new confidence revealed, her sexy layers,
understandably I made all da fellas lay off
cause before my work, they never even gazed her.

And now I heard that she hurt my heart and SOUL,
absurd it seems but da street did spread da WORD,
how cold it seems my thoughts can't stop UNFOL,
how strong it seemed the insurance of my HOLD,
I was something akin to a movie director,
I saw a star and went against da producers,
they all suggested a famous face, a girl grace,
or one who had no problem wit lace,
my muse had issues wit da ordinary
the picture I envisioned was not ordinary,
it was a timeless, wholesome movie flick,
only a special type girl, could move in it,
against all expectations the box office broke,
and like constellations, we made of stars and votes
kept coming in with critical acclaim,
the way we worked together, like Bonnie and Clyde
while I acted and directed like on Citizen Kane,
Didn't expect krptonite, from Lois Lane
but its all done now, she don't need me no more,
How could she hurt me when I loved her raw.

[MCtrini]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=286829
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=286818

[shazzzzzar]

this was actually a nice peice. at first i was a bit questionable about it, but its good. your vocab is what really brought the whole peice together for me. without that, this peice wouldnt be nearly as good. your rhyme scheme wasnt too basic. your flow fell off a couple of times, and some words dint really rhyme, it was kinda hard to tell what did and what didnt (rhyme). maybe consider using more punctuation throughout the peice, not jus at the end but in between; you had alot of places where commas, or semicolons should be, it would make the peice flow easier if they were present. but overall a good drop. ill be lookin out for more of your writings

[MCtrini]

Upping for more honest feedback.

[Ryan]

yo man this piece was pretty average...tha topic is pretty basic, but is still pretty emotional...

tha flow was a bit choppy an vocab could use a lotta work...structure was meh...you should git a hook an sort it into 3 verses...also center it next time...

but as is, id say 4.5/10

[MCtrini]

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[MCtrini]

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[MCtrini]

My two previous ups did not "up" for some strange reason. I"m upping one more time. Give some more honest comments on this one.

[MCtrini]

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