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Thread: Vindicated From All Your Sins (graphic content)

  1. #1
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    Vindicated From All Your Sins (graphic content)




    Vindicated From All Your Sins


    The stench of gun powder and cheap perfume wafts through the dimly lit room
    Hollowed minds slumped over in puddles of brain chowder in a shower of doom
    Faceless piles of shapeless flesh ooze the mellifluous syrup of life through death
    The flicker of candles dance off a headless mess while the wicks fight for breath
    Garnet rivers run thick, while party ice melts in rum poured by the bedside table
    Walls peppered in buckshot & blood clots sprayed RED drip remnants of Mabel
    Supple breasts fully exposed through the soaked garments of midnight passion
    A ‘fashioned’ statement made BOLD by the business end of a barrel in tow
    Held by a face once loved, turned ashen and cold by the lack of compassion
    Daryl was told, “Stay away from this home” the reason this act of peril unfolds
    His boxers soiled in fecal matter, where matters of heart took shits on this life
    A shotgun took bits of his life & left his disfigured face blown off by the strife
    Hanging from the dust coated blades of her ceiling fan in a grotesque display
    The bedroom lit by muzzle fire flashed images of a jilted killer and pray
    Blast after blast body parts splashed on the walls in a bath of blood & dismay
    An aftermath taped off by the cops with the killer found in a closet the next day


    Mommy I loved you,
    …but you failed me deep, it killed me to see you
    up under those sheets,
    …w/ two sets of feet! I knew you were cheap but to spend
    ALL your love on this creep,
    …left me nothing but grief, since you left my father
    I weep, emotionally incomplete,
    …for YOUR love I compete w/ all the men that you meet
    I sit alone in my room,
    …crying for hours, dying inside trying to flower
    the seeds of a love gone sour,
    …I shower but can’t wash away this layer of filth
    So I swear to avenge my father,
    …as the slayer of guilt, to combat the demons you’ve built
    with the lies, deception,
    …and the tears that you’ve spilt,
    on the forgotten faces of family, examine me
    …I’m but a shell of the girl I used to be,
    insanity flows through my hollowed veins & my swallowed
    …pains bend the mind,
    that enslaves me, call me crazy, but I thought family came first
    …the way that you raised me,
    now I take a backseat to the bastards you meet on the daily!!!
    …Your little girls no more,
    She’s been beaten, bruised, abused and confused
    …by the lifestyle you choose,
    and the wayward path that you cruise, just a bedroom flooz
    …for every Tom, Dick and Harry,
    but tonight in the News you’re going to catch a case
    ...of cold blood & shotgun shells,
    for letting that man put his innocence taking hands on me!!!



    Her daughters concerns went unheard, even after the day she was taken
    Shaken by the events Marie barged in on the two shot gun in hand shaking
    She raised the barrel to Daryl and blew off the face that erased her virginity
    Mabel caught with his brains in her lap after the thunderous clap of affinity
    Marie turned to her mother, tears quickly streamed down her bloodied face
    She closed her eyes & pulverized Mabel…
    …with a salvo of double ought buckshot severing her head from its place


    Marie was found wide eyed and trembling tucked away in a hallway closet
    A year later @ the age of 12, Marie was released into her fathers’ custody


    'Vindicated from all your sins’

    -was annotated on her case folder filed with the courtroom clerk…




    By: Bounce

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  2. #2
    Banned
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    Obviously impressive....this one seemd to be much more real, and personal then your last 2 SS writes, atleast from my view...It seems as tho the topic u got, was ment for this piece, and the way you wrote it...it was a very touching sad story you portrayd....the 1st part of ur verse was very nice, it had many more internals etc..then ur last few aswell...specially in the beginning, it was flowing marvelously...just made me smile a bit cuz it was straight shootin.....i liked how you came so complex in the beginning..then brought it all to life and explaind it all with the story line in the middle..and the ending was very suitable and heartbreaking....i liked the way you sumd it all up with the folder line etc.


    FAVORITE LINES:

    Faceless piles of shapeless flesh ooze the mellifluous syrup of life through death
    The flicker of candles dance off a headless mess while the wicks fight for breath
    ^^just was very takin by this bar



    GREAT JOB BOUNCE....


    **please check my om...link in sig (afraid i might have missd it once again)....i think im stressin myself out, and trying to hard to impress...(just how i feel from others FB)..yet i think some parts of my piece i did ok on...idk lol, i would appreciate ur input regardless

  3. #3
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Holy shit. This was great. I've never read a piece from you before. All I can say is wow. Anyways, its not like my feed will help you elevate, you should be helping me elevate. I loved the way you had the multies flowing and stuff, its hard to describe. I loved how you worded it so you wouldnt have to add huge vocabulary words, but still get your idea across. This was pretty violent, I wasnt expecting to get this kind of peice. Anyways, here were my favorite lines.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bounce
    His boxers soiled in fecal matter, where matters of heart took shits on this life
    A shotgun took bits of his life & left his disfigured face blown off by the strife
    Hanging from the dust coated blades of her ceiling fan in a grotesque display
    The bedroom lit by muzzle fire flashed images of a jilted killer and pray
    Blast after blast body parts splashed on the walls in a bath of blood & dismay
    An aftermath taped off by the cops with the killer found in a closet the next day
    Quote Originally Posted by Bounce
    Mommy I loved you,
    …but you failed me deep, it killed me to see you
    up under those sheets,
    …w/ two sets of feet! I knew you were cheap but to spend
    ALL your love on this creep,
    …left me nothing but grief, since you left my father
    I weep, emotionally incomplete,
    …for YOUR love I compete w/ all the men that you meet
    I sit alone in my room,
    The first quote was spine chilling, but you put it into great detail. The second quote was wounderful, it was expressing the little girls reasoning for all of this mess. It was poetry I guess?. Anyways, this was the greatest peice I've read all year. I would nominate it but I dont know if im aloud to nominate SS peices.

    Please check my most current peice, "Satan's Pain". Its not nearly as good as this, but I just want tips, opinion, and feed. Thanks.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  4. #4
    Mikey B
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    wow-

    dope shit man. You describe everything in a casual yet intelligent way..fuckin dope--sorry for the short feed but all i have to say is dope--i have no suggestions and nothing to say bad about it either

  5. #5
    Soule
    Guest
    Mommy I loved you,
    …but you failed me deep, it killed me to see you
    up under those sheets,
    …w/ two sets of feet! I knew you were cheap but to spend
    ALL your love on this creep,
    …left me nothing but grief, since you left my father
    I weep, emotionally incomplete,
    …for YOUR love I compete w/ all the men that you meet
    I sit alone in my room,
    ^That was dope Bounce

    Your topic ..it was decent. Not an attention grabber but it was ok. But you capitalized on that by writing your great words. You took a "Boring Looking" topic and came back on top of it with a storyline for everyone to look at. The reason I quoted the lines I did, is because they seemed so important to the storyline. "For YOUR love I compete" .. <Great. I think that line explains every man going for a woman in the world Lol. Competeing for the one you love as the one you love just sits back and relaxes and waits for the stronger man to come out. It makes the reader wonder ..Are we so different from animals? I mean Lol ..it's halarious sometimes how the human intelect is so much similar to that of an animal. You've brought that to MY attention .. not sure if that's what you wanted from it but, that what I got. You did great here. Nice choice of words. I love this structure, it seems to flow so much better than that bar to bar shit .. Great job. pz.

    Hit up the soon to be link called "Bang Bang" aiight?
    Last edited by Soule; March 21st, 2006 at 04:22 AM

  6. #6
    Newbie Liyah's Avatar
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    bounce.......... bounce......... bounce this piece did not disapoint me ,dawg the whole energy through out yo shyt was tight .the words in the italics from when u put the girls point of view in to a story . and the outro of what happened afterwards the whole concept was on point .....excellent post .
    Only The Strong Survive...


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    Householdz


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    BEHIND ENEMY LINES(in a battle verse)


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    ClICK The LINK THATS ME .

  7. #7
    r!PpER
    Guest
    omg this story was like dope, written so good i could picture the whole thing! anyways, rhymes, mets, multies, vocabs.. no need to comment cuz theyre always good from you.. the story was really dope, nice angle of view, u made a very good piece here man

  8. #8
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone, I went with something other than my normal type of verse here...

    [YOUTUBE]Av7yOXafS40?hd=1[/YOUTUBE]
    "World Class War" Official Music Video
    We can use all the views we can get, please support the Father/Daughter movement in hip hop. Do us a favor and post on your Facebook walls and such. Thank you


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  9. #9
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    WOW...this was definately incredible......the rhymes were excellent, nice and complex...i liked the topic very different, interesting and overall creative....flow was really smooth continuesly throughout this whole peice...vocab and imagery was excellent too...this was a good read..very enjoyable.....

    my favorite part was


    on the forgotten faces of family, examine me
    …I’m but a shell of the girl I used to be,
    insanity flows through my hollowed veins & my swallowed
    …pains bend the mind,
    that enslaves me, call me crazy, but I thought family came first
    …the way that you raised me,
    now I take a backseat to the bastards you meet on the daily!!!
    …Your little girls no more,
    She’s been beaten, bruised, abused and confused
    …by the lifestyle you choose,
    and the wayward path that you cruise, just a bedroom flooz
    that was awsome...

    incredible drop overall...keep droppin i love your peices!

  10. #10
    T.P
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    Okay, i read this and felt every line and was just
    amazed at the feeling you manage to incorperate
    into every single line. Line after line was packed full
    of emotion, when other writers wouldnt be able to put
    half of the emotion in one of their lines that people are
    gripped by in one of your lines.. The first stanza set it up
    perfectly and from then on whilst you explained the
    story bit by bit i kept becoming more and more intriguied..

    Great.

    Looking forward to your next one..

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...85#post4163385
    ^A link so you can return the favour

  11. #11
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    thanks

    [YOUTUBE]Av7yOXafS40?hd=1[/YOUTUBE]
    "World Class War" Official Music Video
    We can use all the views we can get, please support the Father/Daughter movement in hip hop. Do us a favor and post on your Facebook walls and such. Thank you


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  12. #12
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    upping

    [YOUTUBE]Av7yOXafS40?hd=1[/YOUTUBE]
    "World Class War" Official Music Video
    We can use all the views we can get, please support the Father/Daughter movement in hip hop. Do us a favor and post on your Facebook walls and such. Thank you


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  13. #13
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    um anyone awake?

    [YOUTUBE]Av7yOXafS40?hd=1[/YOUTUBE]
    "World Class War" Official Music Video
    We can use all the views we can get, please support the Father/Daughter movement in hip hop. Do us a favor and post on your Facebook walls and such. Thank you


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  14. #14
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Positives: The topic was ok, but I really liked how you did it. Emotion absolutely ruled this piece, and the imagery was strong, especially towards the end. I absolutely loved the middle part, I thought the emotion, imagery, and the rhyme scheme were great. You are always one to come up with great rhyme schemes, and you did not dissapoint here.

    Negatives: Ima get picky Bounce. I really didn't like the line
    "His boxers soiled in fecal matter, where matters of heart took shits on this life
    A shotgun took bits of his life & left his disfigured face blown off by the strife"
    It's just a personal thing, but i think it ruins the read of the line when you use the same word twice so close together, also i really don't like the word "strife", especially when it is rhymed with life, it gets used way to often.

    This was a real good piece overall Bounce. Keep posting your stuff, OM and PS needs stuff like this.

    please peep when you have time http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=281475
    A few achievements here and there

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  15. #15
    You've Earned a Custom Title! jay one's Avatar
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    i stopped in the middle cause it's too damn long, what i read was hot though, keep it comin.
    Jay One

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