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Thread: Words to Daughter

  1. #1
    DT534
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    Words to Daughter


    His life races before his own brown eyes
    He remembers all the events and lies
    He looks at his hands, remembering what they had been through
    From being born in a small town, to fighting in World war two
    He remembered the love of his life passing away years ago
    Remembered seeing his daughter get married, her face all aglow
    He gripped the bed rail, and winced in pain
    He was tired of being sick, his body was going lame

    He had held on for months, fought the disease hard
    People had cared about him, sent their best regards
    But they didn't understand, didn't know the full story
    But he'd be damned if he was gonna go out with no glory
    He had worked hard in his life, earned everything he had
    Had took care of his mother, got a proper burial for his dad
    He hoarsely asked for his beloved daughter
    She came in, and he asked for some water

    He drank his water, then started to speak:
    "I hope you know that im frail...very weak"
    His daughter nodded and leaned in for more
    "Tell my grandaughter i told her to mind mom and do her chores"
    "Tell her Granddaddys sick, but he's about to get better"
    He then hugged his daughter, gripping her sweater
    Both of their eyes swelled up with tears, and he gave her one last kiss
    Then he leaned back and stared out to space; he began to reminisce
    He then began to breathe slowly, his chest barely moving
    His daughter gripped him again, knowing his soul she was losing
    She then noticed he had stopped breathing, but then looked at his face
    He had a faint smile, and his eyes were staring out into space

    She closed his eyelids, and began to cry
    Then looked up at the ceiling, and asked "God Why"
    Then it hit her, she finally understood
    She started to grin, she knew her father would
    She walked outside and explained to her daughter
    But her daughter didn't understand, her speech began to falter
    ........................The Daughter Explained:.............
    "Feel good for him baby, Grandaddy now can rest"
    "All God did was prove to us was he only takes the best"


    Links:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...70#post4148170

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...93#post4148193

  2. #2
    Nice. COuld have used more multis though XD

  3. #3
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bud
    Nice. COuld have used more multis though XD
    Quit shit feeding..
    This was nice DT. Shorten the lines up a bit, they seemed streched. I know you were in a hurry, but next time, read over it about 3 times, to get the flow smoother. You had some great lines, that I know came from the heart.
    I liked how you threw some diffrent perspectives.. Just next time try to grasp the reader a little more, like throwing in some better vocab that people will probably know, not those big $10 words, but about $5 words.Nice work, keep droping.
    Last edited by Jon; March 20th, 2006 at 05:30 PM
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  4. #4
    DT534
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    thx uppin...

  5. #5
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    pretty good DT but what i had to say was all pretty much
    explained in Jons post, yes really...good creativity and flow
    i enjoyed reading this.

  6. #6
    r!PpER
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    hehe, dont think the lines are streched so much, cuz it flwos good, nice vocabulary used tho it could have been alot better, but that will come later.. good topic nice setup liked to read it, keep it up

  7. #7
    DT534
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    thx, uppin to the top..

  8. #8
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    hmm i agree wit jon on this one.. but chea this piece deffo had creativity..
    flow needs work, vocab 2.. i liked tha endin 2 this.. it finished niicely..
    this was pretty good but theres plenty of room for improvement .. 1
    ''Crying Is Blackmail''

  9. #9
    DT534
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    thx uppin

  10. #10
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    do check out my o.m if u koo
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