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Thread: Sour Land. (Shakes off Rust)

  1. #1
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Sour Land. (Shakes off Rust)

    Sour Land

    There is a place, a lonely place, where few have ever walked,
    Where the grass grew green, and the buds blossomed soft
    Many were those frightened by its dreadful twists and turns,
    Animals; from squirrels, deer, to bears, watched the burrows burn
    Barren fields, blighted trees, great scars upon this wounded land,
    Tall hills became mirages to man, then appeared ruined and bland
    Dark and lonely, cloaked in shadow were its valleys and hills,
    The grass coated in dew, was moist after the breeze became shrill
    The slight stature hiding a core of tempered steel, dared the wastes,
    Poisonous gases flooded the fields, spoiled fruits of their tastes
    Neither its master nor servant, she channelled the hell of ghosts,
    While they sit and stared the light, waiting for self-approach
    Cold was the battle she fought against the demons of shadow,
    They fell through the glistening creeks, though the water was shallow
    Charging them to relinquish their hold, to stop poisoning the land,
    With a sharp branch in hand we swing, until their skin expands
    The earth, so long bound in winter, yearned for the blush of spring,
    The ice was so bleak, I couldn't stomach the reeking sting
    From each shadow and recess it stretched forth towards the light,
    The more we fight on the soaring sights, takes anger into flight
    But sick and grown old was the king, the land sour without him,
    In this visitor to an empty hall he saw his long sought salvation.

    Like a sailor long cast adrift he grasped the proffered cup and drank,
    Deep was the thirst of the king, long had he been forced to fast from fear,
    She was a mirror held up to him in which all past sin was washed away,
    In this clear reflection he saw strong timbers beneath the dereliction.


    She became the cornerstone on which his house was built anew,
    Where the sun began to shine again, and the flowers came to bloom
    A sound foundation, level and square, on which to raise him tall,
    Then he stumbles off of the pedastal, and waits out the fall..

  2. #2

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! evil king's Avatar
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    Imagary was the best thing about this besides that you always using this structure is getting old, the topic was differen't N'' good but you could've been more creative N'' put more emotion in it but it was decent just change ur structure for once.
    If actions speak louder than words I have nothing to prove.

  4. #4
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Slept.

  5. #5
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    I want respectable feed here people.

  6. #6
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    This was amazing, everything went together perfectly.. The flow was outstanding, as was the rhyme scheme, the way you told the story, and the twist at the end, absolutely fantastic piece. PROPS Nos.

    Nothing else really more to say, in my opinion man. Nice drop.

    pz

  7. #7
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Thanks I appreciate it.

  8. #8
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    gay.

  9. #9
    ..in chains? Naw!
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    Sup, Nos'. Ok, where do I start?! What I can safely say about this piece was
    that a lot of the mechanics of your piece, flow, description etc, were all in place
    and it was an easy read. I didn't really have to stop and think about what
    I was reading. But on the downside, I found the piece to be bland in a few areas. The message was clear and you're right about how our land will always be tainted by something. Its an on going cycle, but I guess we've just gotta wait it out.

    Its just, I didn't get into the piece as much as I wanted to because I wasn't
    interested in the topic. It gets harder and harder to please readers with
    original topics etc. But I guess its all a matter of trial and error. Props anyways,
    man. Drop a,line on any piece you see of mine. Keep writing.

    Brix.
    ArtificialIntelligence
    Sacred Scriptures Champ: 2006.....Brixton

  10. #10
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    The thing that stood out most was the outstanding use of imagry, however I felt as though you could have also incorperated the other senses as well as sight you know, to really paint the scene. I can see what your idea was, but it helps the reader to engage if they can smell something you describe, or hear it, taste it..thats the mark of a sympathetic and educated writer, they imagination should account for everything we as humans feel..just a thought. I thought the storyline was a little overdone, but its alot better than the whole 'I'm a wannabe gangster' shit that is more common of the board. I have a real passion for well written topicals. In some places your flow was a little skewed, it didn't really throw me off because I changed my pace to accomodate that, you just may wanna read it back to yourself, its a mistake I make alot. Overall, good use of imagry and a nice take on a rather familiar subject. If you could you wouldn't mind replying to something I've wrote? Theres a piece called summer of '89..thats a played topic, I know this so don't assume I'm being hypocritical lmao.
    Hello Darkness My Old Friend...I've Come To Talk With You Alone

  11. #11
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Great feed guys, thanks very much. I will hit some of your pieces Brix, peace.

  12. #12
    Soule
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    it was iight

  13. #13
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Wtf? Ur gay as fuck dude. Get the FUCK out of my thread.

  14. #14
    T.P
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    Okay,

    so you know that your imagery is the strong point of the piece, looks to me as though youve concentrated alot to make the imagery strong.. but it also seems that whilst you were inforcing that, you overlookd other factors of your piece, like your flow and vocabulary.. imo the lack of vocabulary contributed to making soem of the lines quite bland and sometimes as far as boring.. dont get me wrong.. its an intresting piece and i enjoyed reading it, but theres areas that need to be improved and therefore will make this piece alot better..

    look for my piece

  15. #15
    Banned Nostradomus.'s Avatar
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    Thanks Prophet, btw, this was my first OM/topical peice I've dropped in about a month & a half. I'll look for urs.

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