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Thread: Unwanted Visitor

  1. #1
     
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Age
    33
    Posts
    408
    Battle Record
    12-6

    Unwanted Visitor

    Unwanted Visitor
    .
    *Window Breaks*
    .
    .
    Hiding in a vacant edifice, Trembling in my untied, Nike Air-forces
    Left solitary after my immense capacity of heartbreaking divorces,
    I heard a piercing Ruckus coming from the unilluminated domicile
    walking down the freezing hall, roof full of hundreds of frigid icicles
    Terrified, tip-toeing out the door with my old boyscout survival dagger
    Y did this happen? the whole concept of thought left me in stagger
    To make matters worse, all I could hear was the sound of thunder
    And we had a major Blackout, so 2 of my 5 senses were torn asunder
    Thunder strikes, I see a faint figure across the room in the distant silence
    Shattered vases, I saw his face, I was shocked he was behind this violence
    .
    .
    .
    I scurry to my room, called my Ex, she was drinking a bottle of liqueur
    And to think that her Entrepreneur was my own unwanted visitor

    Links: 2Hot2Handle
    Po'
    Last edited by Fo' Rilly; January 7th, 2006 at 05:45 PM

  2. #2
     
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Age
    33
    Posts
    408
    Battle Record
    12-6
    -Updated-

  3. #3
    All Things Must Pass. Issue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Looprevil.
    Age
    38
    Posts
    3,541
    Battle Record
    1-0
    Ok, this seems hella rushed to me. You had a decent topic, man, and some good lines. A lot of imagery and a some good idea's, the wordplay lacked a bit but I think you could of extened the piece it would of came across better...

    overall, as another 14 year old, this was a good piece, buddy, keep elevating and keep doing what you're doing and check my piece out, any of those in my sig, thanks (Preferabbly Fantasy land, and or William Nolan.)

    Thank you!

  4. #4
     
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Age
    33
    Posts
    408
    Battle Record
    12-6
    Meh, it was really rushed....i was tryna take my time....but then i gor bored....and i'll hit up ur OM ina min.

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Birmingham
    Age
    36
    Posts
    5,726
    Battle Record
    7-0
    feelin it stil... niice vocab, structure, imagery, aiite wordplay... hmmm u shuuda make it longa.. buh az it wah rushed it koo... keep dat shiit droppin.....
    ''Crying Is Blackmail''

  6. #6
     
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Age
    33
    Posts
    408
    Battle Record
    12-6
    Bump

  7. #7
     
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Age
    33
    Posts
    408
    Battle Record
    12-6
    Bump.

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