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Thread: Inevitable Fate(Illy)

  1. #1
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    Inevitable Fate(Illy)

    Inevitable Fate
    .
    .
    .
    Curtains closed, lights dimmed, some faintly flickering candles
    Escaping satirical scandals, how malignant media mishandles
    Empty notepad as my words freely float around in atmosphere
    Blocked by brainwashing remarks of sharks eager to profiteer
    Of my thorough talent but unaware they’re destroying my skills
    Terrified to tell the torturing threats filling me as I utter soft shrills
    .
    .
    .
    Silently sitting still, awaiting for creativity to finally fall upon me
    But my mind dares not to free its power, so caged by boundary
    For they will steal my genius ideas like a mere thief in the night
    And so I refuse to ignite my ability to write as an undivided right
    I gradually gaze around me to see piranhas creepily closing in
    Put myself in mental prison, paranoia as my sweet, chosen sin
    For I feel bold beast’s breathe in my neck, desiring my demise
    All alone without any allies, craving for the moon’s dun disguise
    No one on eerie earth is worth my trust, guided by luscious lust
    Merely money as must, blinded by wealth which wakes disgust
    Trapped in careful consciousness that limits my sole potential
    Cannot shout out loud, gone is freedom as good life’s essential
    .
    .
    .
    Fluorescent lights shining down on me, no more pen nor pad
    Ghosts dressed in white coats staring, whispering: “how sad
    When you think about talent she had, artists always go mental
    They are lived by society until their fame turns too detrimental
    Getting locked up inside a fantasy world they came to create
    Example of mental clinic’s bait for it’s an artist’s inevitable fate

    Links:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...72#post3599972
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...82#post3599982

  2. #2
    Let's hug it out, bitch Ari Gold's Avatar
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    nice OM man. I liked it. Nice vocab, metaphors, everything was on point here. Liked the topic too. Keep it up.

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=256133
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    I Appreciate The Feed.....

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    Bump

  5. #5
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    Bump

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Young_Chopper317's Avatar
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    That shit dope I like how tha vocab comes in and everything I see no problems at all wit this flo

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    Aight Better Feed Plz....

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    Atleast Ur Peepin It.....Bump

  9. #9
    Newbie Absinthe's Avatar
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    I like the fact that you chose a topic rarely discussed- seemed like you had a pretty good grasp on a subject that you most likely really aren't familiar with, unless you really are a famous artist who has gone crazy. So - while you didn't discuss a life experience it was fully believable. There was some originality in the thoughts that might plague a person driven by craze, but a lot of it seemed beautifully stereotypical. What I mean by this is- You wrote it beautifully, but the ideas were very common. If you could perhaps, work in this piece, or another some - things that have made you think you were crazy- maybe do a tad bit of research on some symptoms of crazyness. I dunno, do as much as you need to do to elevate.

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    Bump...

  11. #11
    StRiNgThEoRy
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    Multies: Great when they appeared
    Flow: Great
    Vocab: Excellent
    Structure: Great
    Wordplay: Great
    Emotion: Evident

    ADVICE:
    Maybe some more multies but thats it...keep doin what u doin...

    PS: If ya ever wanna get down with a crew, u gotta spot at GD if ya wanna take it...

    VERDICT: 9.5/10

    ...fantastic....

  12. #12
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    i thought overall ya piece was gud,voab was nice, structure was ill
    concept was creative...emotion cud a been more desperate...the only
    thing about this peice i suggest you look at is ya transitions from word
    to word and line to line...it makes a differnce...some real sharp transitions
    in thurr...kills flow...example

    Curtains closed, lights dimmed, some faintly flickering candles
    Escaping satirical scandals, how malignant media mishandles


    first lines good...note the transitions in the second line
    escaping to satirical
    milignant tomedia to mishandles

    the transition kills the flow thurrs a couple more like that...so
    think about fixing that and ya drops will elevate to anutha level
    keep em commin... peace

  13. #13
    StRiNgThEoRy
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    yea, now that you mention that, i can see how the transition kill the flow slightly...thanks for pointin that out lol...

  14. #14
     
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    This piece had nice imagery. You had a colorul and well done vocabulary. Your structure was on point which lead to good flow. Nothing was really forced either so that helped it aswell. Good stuff kid!
    Roc-A-Fella !

  15. #15
    StRiNgThEoRy
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    oh yea, i was gonna say too, that the title 'Inevitable Fate'....well, fate you cant control so there really is no need for the word 'inevitable' cuz thats what fate is

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