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Thread: Beyond Deaths Horizon

  1. #1
    Newbie
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    Beyond Deaths Horizon

    Beyond Deaths Horizon

    Birds sing songs of melody, As i witness constant beauty
    Its like they're singing to me, No misery as u hear the seas
    Flow and the smell of fresh flowers, its part of god's powers
    Makeing sure those who can empower do not cower...
    ..From feeble minded fools who like to kill others n bring pain
    A place for the sane where love is explained n powerfully reigns
    Feeling arcane for the powers of god, insane for loving life
    Sipping heavenly champagne by my wife who gave birth to christ
    Violence is non-existent but bliss is full, a mothers kiss
    Blown to sons, Shown the way to caring to prove peace can exist
    The violent whom swerve off the passage get tossed into an abyss
    A firey hell where they sit an reminisce about this heavenly bliss
    The world of the deceased, where u go after your death
    The first seconds atfer you exhale your last painful breath
    When ur soul escapes its prison by cuasing insisions in the flesh
    An u sit in my land thinking "Life was shit, this is my new home"
    You play n laugh with others of the light, Then it hits your dome
    Your in the creation, our makers home, considered the final destination
    I helped u break the formation to pass into this realm..............
    ....Watching the life of my kids on earth, my expirement for better civilization



  2. #2

  3. #3

  4. #4
    Banned Ike Ill.'s Avatar
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    Wow, quite relaxing on the mind. Pretty well written I'd say! What gave you the idea of it?

    Anyway, I enjoyed the read, soft words with a soft feeling. Nice job. The flow doesn't matter, but your presentation was mediocre. But still, that doesn't minus from the OM itself. Good job, keep going and you'll be up there within' about 6 months.

  5. #5
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    rhymes scheme was good not simple in any pplaces

    complex vocab and complex drop overall

    flow was smooth and strucutre was prefect

    nicely done and nicely shosen topic.....

    good drop...keep it up...peace

  6. #6
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    yes..this was a very smooth laid back right...packed with emotion/imagery, i thought you really made this a nice right....not exactly what i was thinkin when i read the topic...but thats good made me keep reading...it was easy on the eyes aswell everything fit pretty well..thought you had a good vocab/flow was ok...structure was fine....good internal rhyming..etc....very nicely written piece..that was full of pictures!...good write

    hit up some of my ish!
    links in sig!

  7. #7
    Dank
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    Your in the creation, our makers home, considered the final destination
    I helped u break the formation to pass into this realm..............
    ....Watching the life of my kids on earth, my expirement for better civilization
    ^^avoide stretched lines like this.. takes away from the whole flow and makes it like reading an essay, ultimately destroying the purpose of reading an OM. Flow first above all.


    The rest was meh. A decent vocab. here and there, but it seemed generic. Topic was decent. Overall keep at it, and don't make your words so small. If it's a strain on the brain then people aren't going to want to peep your stuff. I'd have to say I enjoyed this so your doing something right. Relaxing indeed. Just read more experienced heads stuff and learn from them, but I'm sure you know how to elevate. Keep writing of course.

    7/10.

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