Abandoned

[Play-Boy187G]

Mommy's cryin I don't know why
she puts on her coat and sighs
picks me up her lips touch my cheek then she says goodbye
still confused I let loose a cry
look through the door wait who's that guy
I scream louder still unattended hopin that this news'll fly
I look around and I'm alone
hear a sound...she's comin home!
It's loud and ringin' then I hear her voice change to dial tone
It's cold I grab my covers and snuggle
but with these little hands I struggle
shivering and shaking fast I realize that I'm in trouble
I make as much noise as I can
hear a voice and it's a man
dressed in blue with a badge and name tag,Tom, he takes my little hand

(9 years later)

every month another family
just once I'd like the chance to see
what it's like to belong and be involved man thats my fantasy
I cry every night for mom
and reach out far my palm
and hope she'll take me along damn my sympathy is gone
It's time for me to leave
a crime for me to grieve
I'll achieve my freedom tonight at just around three
pack my back pack up
take some snacks but not enough
cover my tracks and dip out the back this weathers gettin rough
made it a few miles to an alley
it's cold the rain'll drown me
missin persons sent out and it was Tom that found me

(4 years later)

I'm controllin my block
always strollin with glocks
sittin sideways in the whip steady throwin them rocks
runnin with a reckless crew
screamin fuckin respect us blue
hate The Boys as they patrol tryin to make us loose
squad car turns up my block
my shits burnin damn I'm hot
snatch the glock and hop out the drop runnin from the cops
hop a fence run through a shed
bullets rang out 'Play! he's dead'
'I got the fed' I stood over Tom as he gasped and bled
tears filled my eyes quickly
peers looked at me sickly
*screamin* now I understand mom shit I wouldn't of picked me!

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...98#post3310898
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post3310952

[Play-Boy187G]

uppin for feed................................

[Jeremy King]

the rhyems were basic to my opinion on this
you need to elevate on your flow cuz i just was not feeling it too much as i read, you didnt use good vocab nor did you have good decriptive words so that peoplz can feel you when they read something about "abandoned" work on your vocab adn the flow

[cLOUD9]

aight u need to work on ur structure u were all over the place....vocab an complexity needs to be upped....this was too basic of a peice....align ya syllables together it would be sicker that way...or count ya words an more less match that to the bottom bar...you'd have liek 5 words in one line an liek 10 words in the next line..try matching them....7 words to 7 or 8 words a bar????

[FUBAR]

okay....

this was basic without a doubt. One thing you shouldn't stress on is one
syllable rhyming. (Not that it's bad or nothin.) But if ya can learn how to rhyme using two syllable rhyming +
it will really help make your topic more
intresting to where people people will feel the topic more.

example:

I was born as a thorn to become the world's greatest nemesis.
Creatin all this scorn I adorn redefying all the times like genesis.

now this sucks for multies but it should give you an idea of what i'm talkin about.....hope it helps.

[Ike Ill.]

The idea of it is pretty good, just take out the "gangsta" shit.

You don't needa talk about "rolling with glocks"

Talk about the real life, this the internet G. lol.

[Dont Doubt Me]

i cant post about your rhyming skills or anything like that but this shit was amazing dude its deff somethin people can remember after they've read it. its tight man keep that shit goin.
-TONY-

[Spekz]

the rhymez were basic...and the shit twizted said is exactly right!...dude a piece like this dont need that shit in there, if u right'n bout pain and hurt come hard with that shit....bring some complexity to the lines..up your vocab, and things will all come 2gether..it wasnt terrible..but could use some work..and im sure that everything will come with more dropz..igh..no hate good lookz

igh

keep atz

[Play-Boy187G]

Good lookin on the feedback ya'll
Upp^^^^^^^^

[I_Me]

yeah i understand where you coming from in this piece , i see that you like writing story lines which is good cuz basically ALL the people on here cant do that, but keep up the good work