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Thread: That Whichs is Taken

  1. #1
    Mc-trinity
    Guest

    Red face That Whichs is Taken

    She walks the streets so tenderly and discrete...with
    Blisters on her feet from walking as the world sleeps...
    She walks with a frown knowing every alley of this town...
    High heels touch the ground, as if they've been filed down...
    Every corner tells a story that this shorties experienced...&
    Every morning she's mourning, but that's as deep as this theory gets...
    You see, moms ran off and pops swallowed a sawed off...
    Cocked back the hammer and watched him waved his God off...
    That was 2 years ago, even before her halo was revoked...
    Before she got paid in coke for the art of
    the deep throat...
    She was just a kid then, scared shitless of life and religion...
    Before she aquired taste for jisim and her parents love was schisimed...
    Her dreams have been skewed with every bruise on her thigh...&
    "Love can leave a women blind....but so can black eyes"
    She's seen this first hand and known love to be a sham...
    Put her trust in man and watched the down pour on the damned...
    She's walked the streets and forfeited everything...
    Forfeited her very dreams with demons between the sheets...
    I mean, she's snapped her innocence into shreds n' bits...
    Returning customers think of her as that red head bitch...
    They've ran her name thru the mud,1/2 price when she's flowing blood...
    I mean, imagine having plenty fucks, but not knowing how to make love...
    Pillow cases soaked in tear drops from nights when she'd curse her god...
    She'd listen to her heart tick n' tock and pray that it would stop...
    Plenty of times she'd mark up he writst with scars and slits...
    She'd watch the blood drip and fall into unconsciousness...but
    Every morning she'd see the sunrise from tired eyes...
    Gaze out into blue skies and see nothing but despise...I mean,
    Imagine awaking every morning with regrets & "what if's"...
    Or with a sickness in your stomach that screams to be bludgeoned...

  2. #2
    God's Deciple
    Guest
    This was pretty good.The vocab. was pretty good too,not to many big words which i like and enjoy.You kept it pretty flowin.Liked the wordplay you used.Your structure was a lil messed up,but it coulda been fixed.Mainly cuz you had some long and short lines.Overall i think this was an ok piece,but it coulda beenn better.

  3. #3
    Mc-trinity
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by God's Deciple
    This was pretty good.The vocab. was pretty good too,not to many big words which i like and enjoy.You kept it pretty flowin.Liked the wordplay you used.Your structure was a lil messed up,but it coulda been fixed.Mainly cuz you had some long and short lines.Overall i think this was an ok piece,but it coulda beenn better.
    ye thanx, i was rushin this styll so yeah

  4. #4
    Mc-trinity
    Guest
    any suggestions

  5. #5
    Mc-trinity
    Guest
    any other suggestions or advice

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