My Mistake

[Lingwistik]

ok, i know a lot fo you are gunna say, its not greatly complex, but it's a true story, and damn, it's making me incrdeibly sad myself, and if i getnominated for an award to be legendar or soemthing, not being cocky, i'm just saying if it turns out to be nominated for anything, i would much rather have it not win, because i wasn't trying to get into legends because of the story, i just wanted to write this. Know what I'm saying.

........It was homecoming night, Junior year in high school
we never talked before and everything was still cool
first words "wanna dance with my friend" before the song ends
after they finished I asked again but not for him
four minutes passed, I was hooked too fast
maybe it was the moment, or soemthin I never fealt in the past
I didn't know this feelin would last but it did
and to this very day i've never been able to understand it
I liked her from that experiecne, no words exchanged
but it just wasn't her frame, soemthing was makin me insane
before this, I was never chained to limitations on conversations
but somethin had my words strained, still up for debatin
I couldn't talk, was it satin, it sure as hell seemed
I would burn Inside, whenever she was seen
it was a horrific scene, even my friend Dave was her friend
he tried to help so much, beyond reasonable extent
But i was in this trance, and for some reason i can't
talk to this girl, my fuckin toungue's stuck in a cramp
then bam, it happened, the first time she ever said "Hi"
i can't explain the happiness, beyond anything in my life
for a little while, we'd greet eachother with a smile
then it stopped, and every step taken felt like a mile
I had no idea why, but i became deeply saddened
it wasn't depression, jut a state of expression patterns
Every second my mind staggered away from anything but her
i got tired of this feelin, and began to feel like a sucker
so before christmas vacation, i wrote a letter
i admit, 6 pages was too long, 2 would have been better
telling her what i felt, and how this hell was getting colder
and i thought, if she hates it, then it was all over
she hated it, so i turned a shoulder, at least i thought
a few months after, i saw her in my work's parking lot
I was caught by surprise, and i yelled out her name
she runs over and says "dave told me to come, so i came
but you guys are late, I have to go" and she left
and the feeling came back, since then it's been kept
but in depth, theres a story from a week after vacation
someone i thought i could trust turned out to be pervasive
went into her back pack, took out the letter and showed it
to all his classmates, called me a stalker without a motive
who did it? his name? was never told it, but someone close
what a roast, most of the story they didn't even know
yes, the letter explained a lot, but a stalker? what the fuck?
i see her once a day, twice if i had any luck
she wasn't in my classes, i didn't even know where she lived
Her last name was a mystery, someone explain this
Now I'm still pissed, but lets get back to where we left off
after the parking lot that feelin came back to the top
she started hanging with my friends, and we grew a little closer
she gave me her screen name and phone number, i got to know her
i wanted to show her the love i had, but was reluctant
we were getting closer, and i thought it would have fucked it
then she stopped talking again, a few weeks passed
and I got tired of it again, but it all came back
my group of friends went to the moves, Madagascar was the title
we didn't hook up, hell no, but at the end I was idle
because me her and her friend all ran back to my car
and back to my house, laughter didn't trail too far
but i got cut that night, emotionally it left a scar
a few kids also came to my house and one of them went to far
they didn't hook up, but I can't explain it in song
my mind fell off, faster and harder than king Kong
after again loosing interest, her school days ended
she was a senior, they got out early, 8 months after september
i didn't see her for a while, till she invitied me to graduation
so i pleasently went, and patiently waited
i saw her get her signed paper, she looked so beautiful
i hoped i'd see her again, before her departure was due
I saw her once more, at least i thought, we all went to the beach
but we didn't converse much, and i felt like the action of a leech
i sucked, and that was the last time i saw her, wait!
was it coincidence or fate?
I got a call from her "mother", inviting me to a party
for her going away, and i accepted gratefully and hardy
and it came out largely, "she talks about you non stop
she would be happy to see you there" and the dial tone dropped
it was a surprise party, i got the date and directions to the spot
i was scheduled to work, but fought to get this time off
the party was hot, but i only got to talk to her few
there were so many people, i can't blame her, what would you do?
but soon we left, we had some obligations, and i was saddened
that was the last time ever i saw her, and nothing ever happened
you see, it's my unsatisfaction to say she was from France
an exchange student, who caught my attention with a dance
she left June 27th, many girls have crossed my glance since then
but I swear on my life, my mind has never drifted
every day i pray she'll come online, but she never does
and i still wonder, if she also ever feels this buzz
call it what you want, love, the challenge, or even desperation
but i know it was soemthin good, and that you can't take away from
so i end this sad story with advice for whoever dared to listen
tell her how you feel, don't put yourself in my postion....................




But please, leave feedback, this is one OM that actually means a shitload to me, and i'm going to say that, it does flow pretty well, and it would make an incredible audio, in my opinion, and i really want to record this


Peace and thankyou

Edit:http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post3128156
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=230272

[.Vendetta.]

man that was nice....since that was true...you brought out good emotion.....overeall that was a 9/10 i liked that

[wyte boy$]

man that was nice....since that was true...you brought out good emotion.....overeall that was a 9/10 i liked that

word but u 4getin tha 2 links......

[Lingwistik]

yes i know, i just re read it to look for soemthing i forgot to fix, i'm gettin links now

[Lingwistik]

fuckin ridiculous, I love how newbs get more feedback than I do, god damnit, 21 views and One comment, take soem fuckng time to read it, it takes 3 minutes, and you'll probabl be surprised,

so please jus leave feedback

[Lingwistik]

yup, waitin on some feedback.......

[Acey]

Interesting, a topic about love..simply put.
Many try to write about it, many fail.
And quite honestly this was purely looking at the way you wrote it not very good either.
It's more like you just took a pen 'n paper and wrote a load off.
thats exactly what i like about this piece, its so real ya know, it has all happened and i like how you didnt skip any details, one may think it's pointless to add you see her at the beach 'n didnt say anything, BUT that all comes back in the end when you say, don't make the same mistake i made.
It's very lifelike it's kind of like i'm a close friend of urs 'n you tell me this.. it has a certain passion.. sometimes it gives a feel of anger, sometimes dispair 'n even happynes.
a part a like was like near the end, when you got the invite to her party by phone..
and it came out largely, "she talks about you non stop
she would be happy to see you there" and the dial tone dropped

for some reason i like that, alot. it flows nice.. but thats not it.
it's like a part of hope. since you finally seem to get that sign u've been waiting for, that she likes you to.
then the story takes a unusual twist, u'd think after a line like that it would be the up set for an kiss 'n make up happy ending. but it didnt.
overall i liked the piece, but it definately could've been better looking at the technical side of your writing, 'n yes i am aware of the fact you yourself know it isnt quite complex. but im just saying what could've made it better as a whole.
overall not a bad piece, it's good you used writing to express how you feel that my friend is a real writer.. you've got the heart of a writer just need to polish your technics a little.

[Spoken]

yo good drop homie, good drop, rediculous emotion dog, sick, and good multi's in some lines as well, it was mad long, but for the most part it was worth it, that was a really good drop, the flow was really sick, it was easy to read, i think the only downfall was that it was a lil legnthy, other than that, shit was hot. Yo do me a favor and check da battle in my sig, vote fair please.

[Lingwistik]

thanx for the feedback, finally got some, and I know it's not complex, but, i think i wrote it not as complex, is because when i record it, i want to show as much emotion as possible, and still have the listeners beabe to follow it as easily as possible, so they can get the message nice and easily, I mean, you've seen my other stuff, and I think you can see how i can be very complex, ie. Summer, The Flight, Imagery etc.


i'm not trying to give an excuse, and i'm not argueing, i just wanna mention this to the other textees who might call it wack for that reason

Peace, and thankyou greatly for the feedback, I will leave feedback in other's pieces, and i will be honest

[Acey]

Yea i know man, i was just judging this piece on itself, i know what you're capable of

[Lingwistik]

lol, thanx ace, hehe


anywayz, anyone else want to give me feedback?

[Street King]

well this wasnt that bad, long but pretty good, nice story, nice rhymes, nice vocab in here, strucutre was there the whole time, great job on that man, i liked the topic, it was very interesting , i liked the creativitiy put into this, niced job on the smooth flow too, overall 8.9/10, good job and keep it up

[Johnny 6-feet]

You kept the story moving at a decent pace and you didn't bore me, which is difficult to do in an OM of this length. The imagery was straightforward but got your points and feelings about this girl across. There was the odd multi in there which helped the flow but i think you should concentriate on improving your rhyme scheme. Your vocab needs a booster shot, it was the weakest aspect of this piece. But i can see from this narrative that you've got potential, so keep on with your writing and you should see results. Oh, and btw...

my mind fell off, faster and harder than king Kong

^^my faveourite line in this piece, good metaphor^^

Keep posting, thanks for the rep on my collab with Para.

[Lingwistik]

thanx man, it's greaty appreciated, seriously, i respect so many more people if they would just leave replies, like, I leave feedback in people's OM's and they don't return it, I know that sounds a little childish, but i mean c'mon, I will get back to anyne who has left feedback, right now i'm goin to work, but i'll catch up with it later

Peace and Thankyou

[Trigon]

holy the emotion helped this piece out a lot... flowed from every angle
vocab was quite interesting too....

keep dropping... peace