My Mind

[Trema]

Once upon a time...



There was a baby with visions and so much knowledge and wisdom
-it was mum brother and aunt georgina but something was still missing
living life always contained to much friction and decisions
-staying in touch with reality, the blood was always dripping
thinking and thinking till the thoughts would stop pinching
-the sudden feeling of bleeding would always result in me heaving
wake up i was only dreaming, not seeing what i was seeing
-everybody was fleeing but how could you flee without being
like a renegade it was, trying escape my fears daily
-it would only lead to conflict, so i handle my life carefully
my mind troubles my acts like an axe chopping away at facts
-one wrong move its like stabbing my self in the back
writing my diary mentally storing it in my brains libary
-suicidal thoughts haunt me,when tha past becomes part of me
pain is a substance that cannot be removed,you need the right source
-the courage and knowledge to conquer,any type any sort

www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=228966
www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=228592

[ITawAPuddyKat]

This was a good. I liked the imaginary you had in your verse. You had a very good source of Multi'z. upp your vocan and the Emotion next TIme, but overall this was a good verse, in the category of imaginary. nice.

[Trema]

^^^Thanks curz,...

[maja flava]

yo it was aight. i didnt feel any of ya metaphors, some of it didnt rhyme as well as you thought, and whether long or short bars, try to rhyme at least the last two or three syllables. yea, this dont sound much of a rap to me, more like a poem. everything else was aight, nothin stood out. respect.

P.S. ya dont have to take anything in account from a "newbie"

[Trema]

yo it was aight. i didnt feel any of ya metaphors, some of it didnt rhyme as well as you thought, and whether long or short bars, try to rhyme at least the last two or three syllables. yea, this dont sound much of a rap to me, more like a poem. everything else was aight, nothin stood out. respect.

P.S. ya dont have to take anything in account from a "newbie"

What, cuz your feed is hate just because i gave my honest opinion in the feed i left on your post, aint my fault that you wack,

Anyway i take all feed and learn and listen from what yaal say so piece!

[maja flava]

my feed wasnt hate, where do i say ur shit was garbage? u gave ur honest opinion, so i gave mine. i do thankk you for the feedbak, dont misinterpret this shit. respect. peace

[Trema]

my feed wasnt hate, where do i say ur shit was garbage? u gave ur honest opinion, so i gave mine. i do thankk you for the feedbak, dont misinterpret this shit. respect. peace

ayt stop free posting in my shit,

[warchild]

Obviously this was a deep verse, i think some of the lines were corny your metaphors fell flat you need to up your vocab so you can create better imagery this will give your verses more weight and help them stand out.
It wasnt too bad but it wasnt good felt forced a lot of the shit you was saying the flow was also weak up the flow come up with some more multies and your pieces will catch peoples attention, take the advice or dont.

Return the feed:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=229664

[Trema]

^^^Thanks for the feed, uppin