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Thread: Mature content

  1. #1

    Mature content

    times are changing, my mind is ageing
    a mans escaping as the shadow of youths abating
    i figured whats the use in waiting
    where have the signs been?
    matured more in the last year
    than the previous nineteen
    n' its crazy how this lifes been,
    age is a gun and its sight seeing
    killing the kid inside me, in a midsummer nights dream
    and as hard as it might seem
    i've got the longest road ahead
    its short when im happy, on the horizon when i'm sad
    where the strongest show their edge
    is where i'll be burnin a flag
    i'm really just a confused patriot
    from all the travellin i've had
    and i'm tired of, havin a dad
    i mean that in the sense
    that he never really acted his part
    the feelings that shoulda welded us together
    were dead sparks, trapped in an arc
    family doubts are oats
    that were scattered in his past
    he travelled from his problems
    but i'm gonna face mine
    by lookin in the mirror while holdin onto the hands of time

  2. #2
    Do I know You....
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Steel City
    Age
    44
    Posts
    756
    Battle Record
    11-21
    I liked dis piece tho at times it could have flowed a little better like at the end it didn't pull together as well as the beginning...family doubts are oats
    that were scattered in his past
    he travelled from his problems
    but i'm gonna face mine
    it just didin't hold me right there but your last line brought it back together overall I would rate this as a 8/10

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    3,288
    Battle Record
    28-5
    decent vocab, nice lil storyline...some rhymes cudda been a lil mo complex...the flow gets a bit choppy in places.... a decent amount of emotion comes thru on the real...

    nice drop still had its originalty about it

    keep up
    .................................................. ......................

  4. #4
    PhillyKat
    Guest
    Probably be better as an audio piece, since it doesn't look presentable with the short lines. You have a grasp of getting some emotion across, keep working to improve at that. Lines stood out as longer than the others, it depends on how you flow it however, if its awkward, edit the length of those.

  5. #5

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