Alchemy

[Haywood Jewblomi]

This is my first piece in a while. Haven't really had the time of late to write, but I thought I'd post it. It's only really one verse of a song, but I thought I mayeb just as well see how you all react now. The links are at the bottom.

When I write, words flow through my mind like a river of gold,
Cold thought become as hot as the oceans are old,
I’ll scratch my words on the tower of Babylon with the philosopher’s stone,
And use the throne of Atlantis as my holiday home,
I’ll walk on a knife edge as I spit a laser beam,
This blade runner lives in nightmares like when robots dream,
I’m human language in the form of an emcee,
So whenever you rap, remember you’ll just be quoting me,
I’ll firestorm through Hamburg and blow up in Nagasaki,
I’m the iron curtain; your money chasing ways couldn’t get at me,
Your verses are one part sulphur mixed with two parts lead,
Selling chemicals and firing bullets is all you’ve ever said,
You think the fast route to riches is by speaking that alchemy,
When that way of thinking died out with medieval mentality,
I’ll walk the desert and turn my back on a Midas dream,
Because I’d rather die of thirst than drown in the main stream,

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...68#post2840868
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...27#post2840927

[M9nd Fl_lkt]

Hey man this is actually one of the better pieces ive read on this site, that doesnt mean much tho cause theres a lotta shitty writers on here, but this one i loved the content. it was a little short tho like u said only 1 verse but it was nice. the only thing i noticed was that u need to make ur lines about the same length for flow, but other than that, this was a good piece.

"So whenever you rap, remember you’ll just be quoting me,"

was a nice line i thought. when ya get a chance can ya critique these of mine

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=214926
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=215739

[sILLable]

DAMN...very ill...you gotta love noobs and there replies^^^^lmao...very dope piece..somewhat poetic...i like your rhyme scheme....your vocab was very ill...your wrodplay was very ill....it had originality....creativity....lots of complexity..just a little short...keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

[Haywood Jewblomi]

Thank you for the compliment! I'm intending on turning this into a full 3 verse song, but currently this is the first one. Thanks for the replies so far. Upping 1.

[Route 1]

I thought it was good with the context but ur rymin words were really weak...U had a good kinda style of big words and imagination in it but work on ur rymes...Ok flow and a very good thought plot of stuff and nice lines...The atlantis one suck in my mind the most...elevate and keep it up

[reckless fire]

its ok but my view you strech out the words to much and have you been watching full metal

[Haywood Jewblomi]

Nope, never seen full metal jacket. A lot of mixed opinions here. I'd like to see some more feedback. Upping 2.

[the_madhatter]

I liked it. There was a good word usage and imagination, but the structure was a little off in some places, like when you get to the third bar, stretched lines can be murder. I know for a fact. But this ain't bad either. Good drop. keep doin ya thang.

[Haywood Jewblomi]

Upping 3! Thanks for the feedback so far.

[Daemon]

I hate fucking kids who think all things of alchemy are based on Fullmetal Alchemist. That's hardly fucking alchemy --- alchemy is the changing of one base metal to another, pretty much. Not turning a rock into a cannon.

And your wordplay was pretty decent. The babylon line and philosopher's stone reference was good(also note that FMA didn't start the whole Philosopher's stone thing, if anyone who watches that show actually thinks that), and the ending worked pretty well also--- I liked the whole Midas thing, and the final line has been used a few times, probably. The third line was stretched though.... =\

Overall, 7.5/10. Keep dropping...

[Haywood Jewblomi]

Upping 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Haywood Jewblomi]

Upping 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Drama Queen]

I'm diggin this piece, especially the wordplay you are using. The concept was good, done before I think but still worked out nicely. The vocab was excellent for you found a nice balance between basic and complex. Flow was good, in some lines it was a bit off but overall pretty good. You used nice pictures to express what you were trying to say here, the last line sums it all up in fact. Had poetic feel to it, loved that...

G'luck in SSJR too

[SunSpit]

Yo diz was a real nice piece. Nice vocabulary,pretty good flow, and good strucure. I don't think i eva read 1 of ur pieces b4 on my otha name so i'll b readin more of dem on diz name. Keep writin. Good Job.