Tainted tools for the devils hold...(verse 1) everybody read now

[The Vortex]

It was a dark night in the ghetto.



A shotgun blasts; the cartridge explodes on its journey
Split-second of flight…smiting vital-organs on entry
A mans body crumples and subsides in a vicious spasm,
He sees his whole life flash… in a momentary Phantasm
His arteries burst, the brain shuts down to ease the agony,
He leaves his torso in the guise of a ghost… defies gravity,
The fucking irony is he knew his enemy ever since young kids,
Then the drug-life done hit, loot, bitches, and finally the gun blitz
These barbaric streets of Babylon… nobodies keeping the trust,
Now his family weeps for weeks; as he goes 6 deep in the dust
Men or monsters; we love we lust, guns bust & we get murdered,
Dying hard for a futile cause, as fiends keep their nose powdered,
Big timers stay showered in gems until the snitch’s bark
The nark starved of narcotics goes psychotic in the dark.

Act like fools for the metal gold,
Tainted tools for the devils hold
One-by-one soldiers hit the deck
Drug-money guns & disrespect. X2








http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=206994
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=206316

[-Mindscribe-]

you have the template for a good song, only its short and lacks multi syllable rhymes.
you aint gonna make a song with one verse. you got room to improve, like use different concepts, add multis, keep the bars short and easy to flow. No one really NEEDS punchlines but it shows skill and craftmanship in a rhyme. You got potential, cuz i like the way you put your words together.
6/10

[Johnny 6-feet]

His arteries burst, the brain shuts down to ease the agony,
He leaves his torso in the guise of a ghost… defies gravity,

^yes^

Great imagery for such a played out topic, you gave it some new life. your vocab was strong but not over the top, your rhymes and flow were solid and you kept me reading til the end. I'll be checking for verse 2. I think you lost it a little on the hook though, i couldnt catch the flow on it. but otherwise a pretty damn dope verse.

keep on posting.

[The Vortex]

ey yo thanx for the comments... i get a bit bored with multies sometimes like i done em to death... I must dissagree with keeping the bars short , which is applicable but basicaly a different style than this
yeah i kinda rushed the hook, just temporary so ill work on it and hopefully have the part two soon,
I aint been writing much lyrics in a while so im just getting back on point u kno.

pz

any more ups

[warchild]

This was a nice verse but it was too short.
Your imagery and vocab stood out the most to me, you did have a nice flow in 1 or 2 bars but you wasnt consistent with it.
So just work on keeping the flow consistent add in some multies and i think youd be a good lyricist.
The imagery in this piece was real nice you was just describing actions in great detail that really made this verse dope.

Return the feed:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=207296

[The Vortex]

yo good looks out main ill work on verse two with that in mind

[Mono]

this was a coo verse homie a lil short though but I'll give it a 5.7/10 u gotta put sun more creativity but it was good homie jus elevate a lil more and you'll be alot better at song writin work on complexity and yo flow really thats about it ~1~

[The Vortex]

i dunno some peeps get ma flow some dont, sa''l good tho,
some things hard to judge if you aint heard it

any more comments,


uppers